Paul SB - Incompatible, sub10 - 5064 words

[Paul SB]

Sorry I'm a little late here. My internet was down for the last few days, but I got a hotspot today to tie us over until the new router comes. So here's the latest. It's a touch over 5000 words, but since the last one was only 3000 I thought it wouldn't be too outrageous. 

In Entry 16 A meets with a corporate insider who doesn't know about the plan to turn the homestead into a safe house for runaways, but is very interested in the night club being built as a front. This guy shows up several times later and my one concern about the character is that he might come off as a stereotype. So if anyone thinks something should be changed, let me know.

In Entry 17 the engineer from a could chapters back shows up at the homestead to let A know that the maglev track nearby is working and she found a secret tunnel running from the lab to the maglev. A group of EU scientists have arrived and are trying to figure out what the secret lab was being used for. In a way this is off the main plot line, but it's important for thematic purposes, and the lab and tunnel end up being key to the climax. 

Have Loads O'Fun and Excitement! 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: These ones read pretty well once it’s clear what’s going on and what the stakes are. It’s nice to see A having agency and making important decisions.

I think what’s missing is some of the background on the world and character here. It feels odd for A to have so much responsibility right out of the gate as a young refugee, so I think we need a bit more about how she gets to where she is. I think we also need more on why this restaurant idea specifically connects to her personal arc and is meaningful to her.

As I go:

Pg 2. This is a fun interaction. I think what I need more of is background framing on what A is here for and why it matters.

Pg 3-4. I want to like F’s personality, though I think I need more context. If it’s reprogrammed, why is it able to be so tongue and cheek?

Pg 6. All right now I’m seeing how this submission connects to the last one. I think we need to know what A is up to earlier.

Pg 7. It’s good that A is showing some backbone, but I need a bit more about why she thinks this strategy is (or isn’t but she’s trying anyway) to work on W.

Pg 12. The last entry had a good sense of the stakes/importance I was looking for because it was clear why the meeting was important enough to be shown. With this, I’m not as sure why the conversation is important enough to be shown.

Pg 13-14. The detail about company and stories that show the different culture critical of capitalism is good, and these are the kinds of things I’m looking for when I talk about wanting each moment to feel important for A specifically instead of being something that feels like it just kind of happens.

Pg 16-17. These are some fun details, though so far I don’t see the thematic connections to A’s story.  

[Paul SB]

Thanks again for the input. I've made a few changes to address your suggestions. It usually doesn't take too much, but it's always good to have somebody else to catch things we as authors miss.