Paul SB - Incompatible, sub09 - 3003 words

[Paul SB]

Hi everybody! I hope we're all enjoying the trip to Mars. In this chapter our hero sets out to see the abandoned homestead that she intends to turn into a nightclub, which is a front for a safe house. I am not sure if I did a good job of building tension in this chapter, though it's already a bit long. There turns out to be something unexpected lurking in there, so it needs some good, dark details to set the scene.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: As an isolated scene, this one reads pretty well with a nice sense of progression as A and the others slowly work their way through this secret lab. I think most of the work needed is to make this feels like it matters for the larger themes and plot. A common way of approaching this is through character stakes—how does every detail we get feed into what A wants out of this situation, and what decisions is she making that could determine success or failure for what that is?

As I go:

Pg 3. Is A in charge of these people? That’s what the dynamic feels like but I’m not sure why she’d be put in a position of command.

Pg 5. I know I keep harping on this but my biggest thought is that we need a clearer sense of stakes/importance. The scene reads pretty well but if the story is about A’s journey I’m not sure why this matters for it.

Pg 9. The details that suggest this is more mysterious/important than a standard drug lab are good, and do a bit of the work on the above point about making this scene matter for the larger story. I’d suggest frontloading some of this.

-Are the embryos human or alien?