16,729,438 ways to torment Hoid

[Aliroz-The-Confused]

1: Kick him in the shins.

2: Kick him in the nose.

3: Kick him in the stomach.

4: Call his haircut stupid.

5: Tell everybody that he pulled a dead bird out of his hair and threw it at your grandma.

6: Pretend to pay attention when he tells a story, and then ask questions about a different story halfway through to break his train of thought.

7: Repeat the things he says in an irritating voice.

8: Steal his chewing gum and replace it with soap.

9: Make up stories of embarrassing things he did thousands of years ago, knowing that there are very few old enough to remember those times.

10: Purchase the naming rights to a Nalthian laxative and name it after him.

11: Ask to hear a story and then walk away partway through.

16,729,438: Tell everybody his real name is Clarence.

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

12. Spoil stories

[Vielence She/Her]

13. Talk when your not supposed to

14. Interrupt his jokes

[al_lan_mandragoran]

15. Talk in slant rhyming

[Ookla the Newt she/her]

16. find those notes that Ulaam took while Hoid was cursed about what Hoid did and publish them, widely, in as many places as possible. 

[Vyzkel He/Him]

17. Take away his sense of style

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

18. Out quip him and leave without telling him who you are

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

19. Support Design in all things

[Myst He/Him]

20. Use reverse psychology, and start telling him a story, with a not-so-obscure moral about art and it’s purpose 

[ThroughTheLivingIlliterate He/Him]

21. Accept his gift of a flute and then attempt to play it in front of him every time you see him

[Vielence She/Her]

18 hours ago, Booknewt said:

16. find those notes that Ulaam took while Hoid was cursed about what Hoid did and publish them, widely, in as many places as possible. 

OH MY GOSH BAHAHAHAHAHA

”I suspect I can milk this one for DECADES” -Ulaam

”…he did.” -Hoid

16 hours ago, KnightSkye Reforged said:

18. Out quip him and leave without telling him who you are

He would hate that 

4 hours ago, IlliterateDragon said:

21. Accept his gift of a flute and then attempt to play it in front of him every time you see him

Unless you can actually play then you refuse

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

22. Be completely honest and up front with him at your very first meeting, then walk away and never interact with him again.

[Keke They/he]

23. Reverserevser it and patiently sit and wait for the end of his story then say “wait what sorry i was zoned out.” Each time he finishes it. 

24. Walk up to him randomly, tell him literally everything you know about him including his name and everything else etc etc, even his real personality and stories he has told. And then walk away. 

[Ookla the Newt she/her]

25. Have Cognitive Cloudflare take away his ability to tell stories 

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

26. Set fire to his hair

[Vielence She/Her]

27. Tell terrible jokes. All. The. Time. 
28. Only talk to him in rhyme. 

[Vyzkel He/Him]

29. Interrupt his stories with your own twenty minute story that is in no way helpful at all.

[Ookla the Newt she/her]

30. Only talk to him in slant rhyme

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

31. Speak in Iambic pentameter and pretend you don't know you're doing it.

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

32. Speak in trohaic tetrameter and pretend you don't know you're doing it. 

[Keke They/he]

33. Constantly trip him at the worst moments.

34. Be me and mess up your words constantly.

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

35. Use the wrong "You're/Your" in a verbal conversation.

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

36. Speak in such a way that he knows you are misspelling the words but can't prove it.

[Keke They/he]

On 11/24/2025 at 10:55 AM, Ink and Embers said:

35. Use the wrong "You're/Your" in a verbal conversation.

 

3 hours ago, KnightSkye Reforged said:

36. Speak in such a way that he knows you are misspelling the words but can't prove it.

Best ones yet. Im gonna do these irl now to annoy everyone 

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

37. Correct his verbal spelling, and refuse to acknowledge any protests that he's right.