Paul SB - Twilight's Rift sub21 - 3808 words

[Paul SB]

Hello again. I hope you're enjoying the ride. A writer suggested that I try using epigraphs at the beginning of each chapter, so I'm giving it a try. They are quotes, either from real people or from books that would exist in the universe of the story. Some are from the humans' holy book, which should give readers some insight into the society. Most of those are toward the beginning, though, and I'm not finished adding them in. Let me know what you think.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: It’s nice to get more of a picture of how the story will be progressing in the ramp-up to the climax. I’ll talk about each of the chapters separately.

For the first one I think it’s good that we get a bit of a broader perspective from R and I think what’s missing are the stakes. Since it sounds like getting a bit prescriptive with suggestions has been helpful, one idea I had is for the protagonists to need support from R and have to convince him that the D and T will be helpful in letting them achieve the long-term goals he mentions. If they’re forced to convince him for the plan to go on, it shows why the scene is an important moment. As with all my prescriptive suggestions, this is just one possibility that hopefully at a minimum helps convey where my critiques are coming from.

With the second one, I think it’s good that M recognizes the threat here and begins to scale up, but I don’t think we need all the details from the news cast or the young man. Though my biggest comment here is that his measures feel pretty basic and not something we need a whole scene with it for him to set up. I think this works better if he sets up a more specific defense/counterattack measure that we know about but the protags don’t, so we know that they’re walking into more danger than they realize.

With the third one, I like R’s suggestion as a way of moving the story along, though I feel like most of what happens in the scene before then feels like set dressing. One thing I wanted was a bit more about Too’s character. Maybe some stakes around Too’s role here could help as well. If the conversation rides on her and she has to overcome challenges to communicate with the T then she’ll feel more important. Or maybe R’s suggestion isn’t received well by the other humans but Too sways them by backing her up? Lots of possibilities here.

I'm not a huge epitaph fan in general but I think these work fairly well. I don't think they'll make or break the story for me but I think their inclusion makes sense. 

As I go:

Pg 2. I’m liking P’s character voice here, though I need a bit more on what the stakes are/what the protags want to get out of this.

Pg 3-4. I do like the long term projections and the joking about it, but I need a bit more on why this conversation matters to the protags right now. Obviously R being a benefactor makes him important but right now it’s not clear to me why making progress with him understanding the T is actually important for their plan.

Pg 7. The fact that M recognizes the threat of the D is a nice hook. I’m hoping the rest of this shows us how he’ll be escalating things for the upcoming story beats.

Pg 12. I like the attempt at Too being unsure of who she is, but I think we need a bit more than her having no idea at all.