Paul SB - Twilight's Rift sub17 - 4488 words

[Paul SB]

I think Im forgetting my attachments. I made sure this time by sending a second email. Sorry for any confusion.

This submission gets to the nadir of the story, where our intrepid crew feels they have to give up their objective entirely, tuck their tails between their legs, and go hide under a rock. I hope you understand not only why they reach this conclusion, but why there isn't any real argument about it. It's immediately obvious to all of them because of their own life experiences. However, if you think something in there isn't realistic, let me know what you think.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I think the main beats land fairly well, though I don’t get a strong sense of conflict and complexity here. It’s not an issue that nobody argues about the decision, but it feels overall like things are going well enough and are pretty cut and dry to the point that I don’t get a ton from this that I wouldn’t get from a couple-page summary. That being said P’s narration is pretty enjoyable and hits at the differences and interpersonal conflict in the group—I just don’t get the impression that it matters right now.

Still, overall I’m more invested in these threads than I was for a lot of the first half, which lines up with your own thoughts on the last submission.

As I go:

Pg 3. I think it works to have other people been having these dreams we didn’t know about, though it does feel like something’s missing for me to be fully engaged. Maybe there could be more of a focus on the atmosphere this creates all throughout the first part of the story? Just spitballing.

Pg 4-5. Nice to get some answers! I’m invested enough that it doesn’t feel like boring exposition, though I do hope the story keeps expanding on this dynamic.

Pg 6. I like the setup of the characters having to choose between continuing the mission and going to Twilight’s Rift. I think knowing more about Twilight’s Rift and why V thinks they should go there could give the choice more weight.

Pg 7. It’s nice to know that V is on good terms with the protags, and it could help to get more specifics on why.

Pg 10. Not remembering the heat feels like a pretty big oversight. It can be okay for characters to make basic mistakes, but it can feel a bit bland unless there’s a character-specific reason the story delves into.

Pg 11. I do find P provoking ME to be very entertaining. It plays with both of their personalities in a fun way.

Pg 12. I like that P finds them beautiful, and it could help to know in what way given that it’s not a human way

Pg 14-15. It’s nice to learn about the different customs that the T have, but I don’t get a sense of why it matters to the story

Pg 16. The bit about the larva and the nursery is a bit of what I wanted with the last comment, actually. The nursery being important to T matters because the larva believes it is connected to the protags through nursery