9/22/25 - PaulSB - Twilight's Rift, sub 14, 3954 words (LV)

[Paul SB]

I keep getting word from the only person who is giving me critique that my attachments aren't coming through. It's entirely possible that I'm forgetting to attach them, so if you missed the last one and want it, let me know.

 

This submission hits the midpoint, which is a lot more action than talk. I'm mostly looking for any suggestions about realism, anything I might have missed.

Thanks a bunch, and have Loads O'Fun & Excitement!

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: The good news here is that I think the basic plot works well enough. Get in, things fall apart, make a frantic escape. However, I found myself not being especially engaged, and while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with these events per se I found them to be pretty nonspecific—or to put it bluntly, a bit generic.

I think the best infiltrations are able to focus on what makes this one specifically interesting based on character dynamics and setting. So I think the main challenge here is taking the shell of a plot structure that works and making it feel unique to this story and set of characters. Which unfortunately means it’s hard for me to give specifics, since I think what I’m feeling is the lack of pieces that engage me rather than anything being flawed on its own if that makes sense.

As I go:

Pg 3-4. I think the plan itself is set up fine, though I wonder if we need to see all of this in action. Feels like the kind of thing that can be summarized since this feels like a pretty stock standard way of going about it

Pg 7. I like the dynamic of ME using religion to shut people up for the sake of the mission. Maybe we could get more of this earlier so we know from the start what she provides to the team?

Pg 10-11. I can see why R’s lingering on A being in potentially mortal danger, but I’m not sure if the story needs to tell us all of this

Pg 12. I think part of the reason I’m not fully engaged is that I don’t know how powerful this robot is or what it can do

[Paul SB]

It's funny that the women who have read and critiqued this story were unconcerned about the simple nature of the action at the midpoint. I'm not too sure what to think here, except that I lost interest in action movies decades ago. Also, remember whose plan it was. The protagonists are escaped slaves, whose only experience with a heist comes from watching movies. I also trimmed a whole lot out of it in an effort to get my 250 kiloword first draft down to around 100 kilowords. Maybe I need to watch some good heist movies and see what I can do. There are a few things that absolutely have to happen, one way or another. The psion has to die, they have to get the McGuffin, and A has to have her near-death experience. The reasons will be more clear after a couple more chapters.

As far as the robot is concerned, the protagonists wouldn't know anything about it. The Meritocracy is a slave-based economy, like the Roman Empire was, and that sort of economy does little to encourage invention, since there are plenty of slaves around to do the drudge work.

[Appol PhD they/he]

I've clarified this a few times on previous submissions but my comments aren't about what logically makes sense for the characters, but what makes for an interesting story. The story can make the plot, characters, and setting however it wants with infinite possibilities, so why is this heist interesting enough to demand our attention? That's what the story needs to answer. 

I thought some more after posting this about why this didn't work for me since as I mentioned there was no glaring flaw, and I think where I've arrived is that I don't get a good sense of tension because the decisions don't hold much weight. I think when a heist goes wrong typically stories will focus on the specific wrong decision the characters made--trusting someone who betrayed them, disregarding one of the traps that ends up springing on them, etc. This is important because it creates tension where it feels like the characters could have succeeded if only things had gone a little differently, so the choices have a lot of weight. I think that's what's missing here. 

[Paul SB]

I see. In the original draft the alien mercenaries make more of an appearance. Their ships were hiding in the same ring as the protagonist's ship, and they failed to look for it. What I failed to do was point that out, and have them remonstrate themselves for missing that detail. My thought was to have the ship's computer contact them to let them know that there was a drop ship incoming, so they can rush the job and kick themselves for being so focused on getting it done they didn't think enough about the other people who were trying to pull the same heist. Thanks for pointing that out.