9/15/25 PaulSB-Twilight'sRift, sub 13 - 4244 words

[Paul SB]

We're getting close to the Midpoint here. It will really hit the fan in the next submission. In the meantime, there's a planning session, and a second attempt to steal the (not exactly) McGuffin (You'll see in a couple more chapters why it isn't actually a McGuffin). Naturally anything you can give is appreciated. In Entry 01.24 they look at computer records of an attack by alien mercenaries. Originally I wrote out that attack, but was advised to cut it. I'd like to know if anyone thinks actually showing the attack might be a better idea, even though none of our protagonists are in it.

Have Loads O'Fun and Excitement!

[Appol PhD they/he]

I got the document, but it’s probably worth resending to the whole group in case people are catching up later!

Overall: Good news is that the plot works pretty well here. The plan is engaging because we have a reason to believe this time will be different (better gear), and then things go awry in a way that prevents them from getting the crystal, but gives them an opening to keep following the lead and putting pressure on.

Some of my LBLs are moments I liked from the characters, which are my attempt to point out examples of how a chapter like this could go from “reads well enough” to “especially engaging and publication-ready” if played into. But of course expanding on the good elements can be more subjective than fixing issues (which is already subjective to begin with), so ultimately they’re just ideas. Hope it still helps!

As I go:

Pg 1. I like P tying sex back to the religion she doesn’t have any respect for as a character-specific form of irreverence

Pg 2-3. A lot of the reflection doesn’t feel necessary to me, though I like the note about P not believing in asexuals existing

Pg 8. I think the convo with the guys mostly works since it’s focused around a plan with a clear reason why it should hopefully go better than last time (better gear), though I think the few times the convo drifts off topic could be trimmed if you’re looking to cut word count.

Pg 9. I like the detail about R putting armor on Too. Shows R’s concern and her desire to treat Too like anyone else

Pg 11. I think the banter works better in cases like this where it’s about something plot-relevant like the tunnels. It’s a good way of showing characterization and worldbuilding without the story pausing.

Pg 13. I think the M mercenaries showing up works fine, though ideally there’d be a way to show this in a way that doesn’t require a whole explanation afterwards to explain what happened

[Paul SB]

We're getting to the midpoint, which is going to be a whole lot of action, so the next few entries are going to be light on character and conversation. So I have to have some fun before all hell breaks loose. of course P relates everything to sex. It's her job. I'm glad you noticed the bit about dressing Too in armor. A couple others who read this before did, but some didn't. 

As far as the alien mercenaries go, originally there was a chapter where an agent of President M hired them, then the attack itself was split into two, as the strike commander was killed by the psion and another has to take over. Nice and bloody, and I enjoyed introducing a new species, but since none of the main protagonists were in it, I was advised to cut it. I still had to show what happened, though, and aside from them watching it on camera, the only other way I thought of would be to make it into a news broadcast. The problem is that it would have stood out as fabricated, since none of the protagonists were in the habit of watching the news.