9/01/25 PaulSB-Twilight'sRift, sub 11 - 4959 words

[Paul SB]

Poor Old Michael Finnegan is ready to begin again.

 

Mostly I'm looking for trim suggestions, but anything that jumps out at you will help. Also, I critiqued another participant today and asked about story theory basics. That's something I realize I haven't brought up here. I have a story beat sheet for this one, so if anyone would like to see it (though it will spoil everything) I would be okay sharing it.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: Not a ton to add that I didn’t hit on in LBLs. I think the third chapter is the strongest because it really pushes ME’s character and forces her to confront complexity and contradictions—it’s a tricky topic to handle well, but from a pure characterization standpoint I think it’s well done. The first chapter is good at making side characters feel more connected to the plot, though I’m not sure why R’s improvising instead of planning more carefully and it would be nice to get a better picture of what the company actually wants. The second one doesn’t feel necessary to me, and could probably be cut entirely without much issue.

As I go:

Pg 1. This already feels like a lot of characters in the scene at once

Pg 4. Since some people are staying behind, who’s here? Pairing ME and R seems like it could cause issues

Pg 5. I like the detail about having to actually sing to blend in, but I don’t think we need to see the singing in action

Pg 6. Feels like they should have gone over the plan beforehand instead of R catching the all by surprise

Pg 10. Most of the corporate scenes have worked for me, but this one isn’t holding my interest as much. I think the key thing here is that we don’t know if a big change or decision is coming out of this, so it feels like a lot of info with not a lot of story behind it.

Pg 12. As written I don’t think this chapter feels necessary. If it gets cut entirely I probably wouldn’t notice anything was missing.

Pg 14. A’s gift is a good narrative touch here that helps to complicate the relationship

Pg 16. I like the moment of closeness followed by argument, though at the start it feels like they’re rehashing a lot of old ground and then A’s accusation at the bottom of the page feels a bit out of left field

Pg 17. This is a good beat (though it probably warrants a content warning of some kind), though I think I need a bit more than ME crying to show how T and A figured it out

Pg 18. The note about R seeing it is good for complicating the situation ME is in. Despite my above comments feeling confused in the moment I think this chapter comes together pretty nicely.

[Paul SB]

I'm glad you liked the two main entries. However, the supplementary entry where M has his Truth Dream is a major driver of the plot, and starts him on a long redemption arc that doesn't complete itself until the end of the third book. The villains don't get a whole lot of screen time, but I try to do better than cardboard. Based on your comments, though, I think I could end it with M making a statement about where he intends to go from there. 

[Appol PhD they/he]

3 hours ago, Paul SB said:

I could end it with M making a statement about where he intends to go from there. 

I think that could really help!

[Paul SB]

Of course there is the problem that at that point he doesn't exactly know where he's going, but at least he can speculate.