8/25/25 PaulSB-Twilight'sRift, sub 10 - 3490 words

[Paul SB]

Attempt #10!

Mostly I'm interested in suggestions to trim these without losing important content, to include an overdue apology, a reminder of the mute character, hiring help, and nearly getting caught by resellers.

[Appol PhD they/he]

All right here I go!

Overall: I feel like the two chapters here have opposite challenges to work through. The first one is character-focused, and has some good development in R and T’s relationship, but it feels a bit too scattered to come together. The second one feels tighter from a plot standpoint where one event clearly leads to another and is important for a larger plan, but the characters don’t feel super fleshed out here. These could both be cut down pretty heavily if that’s the goal here, or some elements could be reworked like giving M a more distinct way of rushing in to save the day.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. Most of this doesn’t feel necessary with the commentary about A and JR maybe having a thing not really adding much to the story. If you’re looking for places to cut this could be a start (or it could be reworked).

Pg 3. To be honest, I kind of forgot Too was here. I think it’s fine for her to pop in and out as needed, but I think there needs to be more narrative logic around when she does (or in other words, it feels a bit random right now).

Pg 4-5. I think the characters summarizing their feelings like this can make them feel too simple, but I still think this is the strongest part of the chapter so far. It’s good that T and R’s dynamic feels tense, with the ability to get better or get worse.

Pg 9. I think most of page 8 is fine for setting the scene, but it feels like a lot of this can be trimmed down.

Pg 11. I don’t think I’m getting enough from the conversation itself for it to justify being played out in scene. D and M read fine, but they don’t stand out and I feel like I wouldn’t be missing much if this conversation were a paragraph of summary.

Pg 13. I think it’s good to have some action to show that M is important, but this doesn’t feel like it shows us anything distinct about him.