8/04/25 - PaulSB - Twilight's Rift, sub07 - 3863 words (L,V)

[Paul SB]

Back for more! Thanks to all who read and comment. Feedback is what we're here for.

Entry 01.11 is debriefing and goal setting. Entry 01.12 our heroes make an abortive attempt to steal the alien artifact that started the whole adventure. It would be easy to assume the artifact is a McMuffin, but that would be way too easy and predictable. For the first part, are my characters' reactions to A's proposal realistic? Do we understand the other characters well enough to see that, or do we need more from some of them. In the next section, do the aliens seem alien enough, and scary enough? In my original, colossal draft I had several entries from the aliens' viewpoint, which humanized them, but also made their future interactions with our protagonists more understandable.

 

 

Twilight’s Rift Summaries by Entry

 

Entry 01.01 - Introduces two slaves who live on a luxury cruise liner and are trying to escape by meeting someone who claims to be with the local equivalent of the Underground Railroad. The person turns out to be a creep who is trying to exchange a way to remove the cyanide capsules in their necks for sex. Fortunately the ship's priest shows up before the protagonist flattens him with a stool over the head.

 

Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-001 - Meanwhile, at the HQ of the biggest corporation in the galaxy, the Security Chief meets with the President and the company telepath to discuss a plan to use a stolen alien artifact to bait spies from rival corporations by putting it on a cruise ship.

 

Entry 01.02 - This is a Save the Cat moment for a character met in the first entry, where she consoles a young kid crying in the night.

 

Supplemental Entry 015BBB3//-000 - A mercenary company who have an advanced spaceship sneak onto the cruise ship to steal the alien artifact and are massacred by the company telepath.

 

Entry 01.03 - One of the six bunkmates who is mute and in some sort of cataleptic state (similar to what psychologists call “stiff man syndrome,” like in the Robin Williams movie “Awakenings”) inexplicably wanders down to the lowest deck of the ship. The others follow her and find a strange alien spaceship jutting through the hull of their ship.

 

Entry 01.04 - The mute character attaches herself to a column on the bridge of the alien spaceship, while the rest spend a little time exploring. The ship’s computer informs them that the previous crew are dead and they are now the crew of a ship that has some advanced technology.

 

Entry 01.05 - The escapees (except T) fly a shuttle down to a middle-of-nowhere planet to try out the night life, and immediately split up in spite of A’s insistence that they stay together. A asks R to tag along with P to keep her out of trouble.

 

Entry 01.06 - ME heads straight for the nearest church, and in spite of her own doubts, betrays them.

 

Entry 01.07 - I is sent to keep P out of trouble, but when P slips off to a private room with some random man, R sneaks away, mumbling to herself about not wanting anyone to know the truth about her.

 

Entry 01.08 - ME leaves the church with her mind spinning, looking for the others. She finds P on the dance floor, but someone shoots at them. In the chaos T is stunned and has to be carried out by ME, A, and P. ME swears she didn’t turn them in, though it’s doubtful anyone believes her. With help from the computer on their new ship they find that R has been captured by a labor reseller company.

 

Entry 01.09 - A refuses to leave R behind, so she and T bust her out of her holding cell. Delirious after a brutal interrogation, R confesses the homosexual desire she has hidden for years, which baffles A but doesn’t convince her to leave R behind.

 

Entry 01.10 - This is mostly a flashback, where an unconscious R revisits the moment when she was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 16. On waking she is tended by the frivolous P, who tells her that her secret is out, though it was T, not A, who spilled it.

 

Supplemental Entry 014BFF1//-002 - This entry introduces a major antagonist, who paid the mercenary whose ship the protagonists have stolen to get the alien artifact. As president of the second most powerful corporation in the Meritocracy, he is quite ruthless, as is his second-hand man, who heads R & D and designs biological weapons.

 

Bon Apetít!

Edited August 26, 2025 by Paul SB

[Appol PhD they/he]

Looks like I never got the email with the word doc. Would you mind checking if you sent it and if so resend it to me? Thanks!

[Paul SB]

16 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Looks like I never got the email with the word doc. Would you mind checking if you sent it and if so resend it to me? Thanks!

I emailed it to you last night. I was at work until late, but hopefully you have it now. I wonder if you're the only one who didn't get it or if I did something wrong when I sent it out last week.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Okay, time to dig in!

Overall: It feels like this is the first time we get the shape of the main plot, which I think needs to come way sooner. I don’t think the attempted heist necessarily does, but in my mind figuring out this high-level plan to get the crystal should be chapter 2 right after they get the ship in chapter 1. If the story wants to keep the other scenes, they could easily be reworked as being necessary to get access/entry to this ship, etc. Of course, this is all prescriptive, so feel free to take it or leave it.

Aside from that, not a lot else new I’m noticing. Again, mostly I’m glad that we have a shape of the plot starting to develop. I think the aliens work well enough as a threat that advances the plot, which is all I think they need to be doing right now.

As I go:

Pg 1. It feels like there could be something here about being homosexual vs homoromantic, but I think the story needs to be more precise here if that’s something we’re supposed to be tracking.

Pg 2. It feels like the story’s stalling a bit by having them stand around and talk about this

Pg 4. This feels like one of the first conflicts that ties the plot, characterization, and worldbuilding together in a good way. I think we should get to this point way earlier in the story.

Pg 6. I feel like there should be more justification for looping ME on this when she literally just sold them out. Not abandoning her is one thing, and trusting her with this is another entirely

Pg 8. Not sure why they’re stopping to shower. If their ship is designed to be lived in, shouldn’t there be something like that there?

Pg 9. The computer is also confusing me, since it sounded like they had boarded the enemy ship.

Pg 12. I’m willing to believe the infighting given their lack of experience with this, but it feels like things have gone too smoothly for them given that