7/28/25 - PaulSB - Twilight's Rift, sub06 - 4998 words (L,V)

[Paul SB]

Hello again. Here's the next installment, which starts with a flashback and ends with the introduction of a protagonist who is going to be with the whole series. If you haven't read the earlier material and want to go back and comment on it, you're welcome to. Likewise if you just ant to read the summaries in the email then move on to the current submission, that works too. Let me know what you think ...

[Appol PhD they/he]

All right, let’s dig in!

Overall: There’s some good characterization here, though I feel like most of it comes from the doctor (who I’m guessing isn’t going to be a recurring character?) rather than R herself. I also think M in the second chapter has better characterization than the protagonists, since he has a distinct role that serves the worldbuilding (psion) that connects back to the plot (makes him more powerful if he gets the crystal) and shows the specific way he plans based on the person he is. So right now my main takeaway is that we need a lot more of that for the protagonist group because most of them don’t feel that fleshed out in comparison.

 Right now the corporate plot also feels pretty disconnected from what A and co are doing. Which can be fine for a sci-fi story, but right now it kinda feels like they’re taking place in two different universes entirely rather than expanding on each other’s ideas.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. The doctor’s characterization feels stronger than what we get from a lot of the protagonist group, honestly. It’s a fun dynamic with her working to help R but being very flippant because she’s seen it all

Pg 4. Well it’s not really the genes changing with epigenetics. Could be a jumping off point for worldbuilding to explore why epigenetics is taboo despite its usefulness as a medical treatment for rich people, etc.

Pg 7. By this point it feels like we’re retreading old ground and the story is losing momentum

Pg 10. Is there a reason the flashback can’t be a separate scene? If it’s framed as being a dream then it’s less reliable and controlled

Pg 11. I feel like this is the first bit of interesting characterization we get from P—that her strong sense of sexuality lets her see the problems with the church restricting it.

Pg 14-15. This is good for helping me understand the setting while still telling us how the plot will be progressing.

-What’s the advantage of developing that specific virus for this plan?

[Paul SB]

Hello again, thanks for taking a look. I'm glad you like the doctor. You won't see her again until near the end of the third book, and she's in the fourth as well, though in both cases in minor roles. M is a major player in the corporate intrigue, but his prophetic dreams lift him above that role later. As to the corporate intrigue and the escapees, they are on a collision course, which will become obvious in next week's entry. I would be inclined to ask how much of the material before that point is worth keeping, but I would much rather wait until you (and anyone else who cares to jump in) get to the end, though the slow week-by-week process makes that kind of broad perspective much more challenging.

I was able to fix the epigenetics bit with a single sentence. "Every bigot who’s on top of the totem pole wants everyone else to think that they were born superior, so other people won’t try to compete with them." That's really the point of genetic determinism - it's a way for high-status people to discourage lower-status people from competing with them. Thus we have Social Darwinism and the myth of the meritocracy that underlies a whole lot of our society's lies. Thanks for pointing that out.

If I separated the flashback scene from the wake up scene, the second part would be really short (around 600 words) and feel like an afterthought. I could break the two scenes and then expand on the wake-up scene, but I'm not sure how I could keep that going. P is their Chief Gossip Officer, so I'm sure she could come up with all sorts of juicy things to say, but that might be more boring than character-building.

As far as the virus goes, M said pretty clearly that he wanted something to distract the president of Spencer Corp from his black op. The details of the virus don't much matter, though it does show how slimy corporate leadership gets. I could trim that bit back by cutting out the back and forth between him and Other M about the pros and cons of the two candidate viruses.

Later!