6/9/25-A song for silence sub 24-ginger_reckoning-4838 words-(L)

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all! Thanks for reading, again. This week is mainly fallout from the events of last week's submission. Just mainly want to see what works and what doesn't like usual, and to see if the big event makes sense to happens here, ie, follows logically. 

Also looking to see if the flashback in this chapter works for the big secret it has been established to be earlier, and if the introduction of prophecies here doesn't seem to be too out of left field. I want it to feel a little like that since it is supposed to blindside the reader as much as A, and I feel like the setting has been established enough as a trope-filled magical world for it to not seem random, but I want to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

I have finally decided to give feedback before Sunday lol.

Overall: Lots of LBLs compared to my usual, but today that’s a good sign. I think this section reads quite well overall, and my main comment is just that character arcs are good but could be specific and precise in the story explaining how they’re progressing. For example, S gaining more respect for A after seeing her pain is good, but it also feels a bit nonspecific to S’s character because it’s how a lot of people would naturally react. Honing into a particular aspect of that could help the moment stand out. 

As for the prophecy, I think it works well for the reasons it was intended to. I think tying the brutality of it back to the humorous tone like we get a lot of early on also helps it feel consistent even though it's a new concept.

As I go:

Pg 1. I see the attempt to have S understand A better which I think is good, though we might need more specific reasoning from S than it seeing A in pain.

Pg 2. I’m assuming that the A’s fear of being disabled is a her thing and not a perspective the story wants us to think is ideal, but I think we need more on that point to understand how we should be reading around her.

Pg 3. Similar comments as page 1. It’s good that A is getting development, and it generally works well, but I think it could be even better if we get more specific reasons for why her perspective is shifting.

Pg 4. This is a good discussion that orients S’s and A’s changing worldviews around a real issue, which is what I thought was missing from the bet section. That being said, the way S talks about pain and illness reads a bit modern to me, especially “chronic illness” (idk if that’s actually more common to say in modern day but that’s what I associate it with).

Pg 5. I like S pointing out what J’s been doing. From J’s characterization it’s not something that he’s going to do himself, so S is really the only one who can stand up for him. That’s the sort of specificity I was talking about on pages 1 and 3.

Pg 7. Even if S doesn’t know, I think we need a bit more on what specifically is triggering this change. Though maybe this clears itself up if the earlier chapters are tightened up and we know how to read around S at this point.

-I do like the idea that L had a specific reason to think this would happen, since it makes the risk she took feel less callous. I think this is something we could use earlier (not necessarily the reason L feels this way but the general understanding that she has a plan beyond blindly hoping S reforms).

Pg 8. This might just be my personal ideology leaking in but I feel like the idea of doing good things making up for mass murder is kind of an awkward sell because it raises a bunch of questions about how to actually make up for something so terrible. Usually I feel like it’s cleaner to go with the idea that doing good now is all that can be done. Though based on A’s response I’m also not sure if the story wants us to agree with S, so maybe it’s down to how the story wants to orient us.

Pg 11. Random thing about Li with the warmongering comment—the entire book she hasn’t really read as someone with actual experience with war/conquest.

-I know S set it up this way but I’m not sure if I like A’s thoughts interjecting here. As is I think this reads better as a straight flashback that A can process afterwards.

Pg 13. I do like the humor here. I think the story reads best when it finds way to incorporate humor into the conflict like this.

Pg 15. Li making fun of Le here is hilarious and got a laugh out of me (and I almost never laugh out loud while reading). The way Li clearly doesn't care about Le and is just using it to angst dump about her own mom is what really ties it together for me. More of it carrying into pg 16 where she delivers the prophecy could maybe help explain why Li’s being as harsh as she is, since right now the harshness feels a bit pointless and undirected.