1/20/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 3 - 4710 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

We're picking up with the second half of chapter 4 and chapter 5 this week. I'm going to keep gauging if it makes sense to submit the whole novel or stop if I see big structural changes that need to happen, and all the feedback so far has already been super helpful in that.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

Interesting developments! Not too much to say other than what's in my LBL's. I don't have anything that jumps out to me as a large structural problem so far, other than that it now seems they have a win condition in sight, so unless there are further complications later, it seems like maybe this will be more novella length? Though I could be completely wrong of course. 

 

Pg 1 “Awkward slob of a man” The diction here surprised me because it doesn’t sound like a high school aged kid, so if that is intentional then it works. Also,I thought that J was a teenager? Calling him a man here makes him seem older

 

P2 “when I rejected you” imo, this is implied by what she just said and seems a little extraneous

 

“Tried to make me hate myself” possibly wrs, but I got the opposite impression, that J hated himself and the doppleganger was trying to get him to be more confident?

 

Pg 3 “massaging her shoulders” creepy!

 

Yeah, the doppleganger is a lot more creepy and possessive than I remember it being. Good for J for standing up to it!

 

Pg 10 “Why are you treating K like a psychological…” not exactly sure why, but this line seemed a little on the nose to me, especially since just a few lines before, V agreed to help J assess the situation

 

“K isn’t straight” You can’t just ask someone if they’re straight J smh

 

Pg 11 “If staying closeted” not sure if this is supposed to signify that J is also queer, or just him putting himself in K’s shoes

 

“Culture of straight dating” just my opinion, but this wording seems a little…idk mature? Again, could be what you’re going for with J but his diction is not really what I would expect of a high schooler 

 

Pg12 yeah, it definitely seemed the doppleganger was acting misogynistic 

 

Pg 13 “they’re all do” should be due 

P14 eesh, this whole discussion reminds me of conversion therapy, which is just icky to me

 

Oh, haha that’s mentioned by name later down 

 

P15 “he pauses” not sure if Mx P has he/they pronouns or if this is the wrong pronoun

 

The discussion might be a little heavy for a YA audience, but I liked it. I like the last line too.