Shard's new sad attempt at writing (constructive criticism helpful)

[Shardwatcher01 he/him]

I

 

The sun blazed high above, casting its golden light across the village of Tidewatch. The sea shimmered like molten glass, reflecting the light sky. Waves rolled in with a steady rhythm, their sound a constant, soothing presence. Along the coastline, where cliffs met the ocean in a dramatic embrace, the village bustled with life. Fishermen hauled in their daily catch, artisans sold their wares, and children played along the shore, their laughter mingling with the cries of seabirds. 

Thalia stood at the edge of the cliff, looking out over the water. Her fiery red hair fluttered in the salty breeze, and her amber eyes glowed with a mixture of longing and determination. Around her neck hung her Aether Vein necklace, its bronze surface catching the light and glowing softly. The necklace was more than just an ornament; it was the source of her power, a link to the Echo of Fire that burned within her.

She took a deep breath, savoring the scent of the ocean mingled with the faint smell of smoke that lingered from the fire the night before. Today was the day she had been waiting for—the day she would set out on her own journey, away from the familiar shores of Tidewatch. Her heart raced with a mix of excitement and apprehension. She had always felt a pull towards the unknown, a restless energy that drove her to explore beyond the boundaries of her village.

“Thalia!” A voice called from behind her, breaking her reverie. She turned to see her childhood friend, Kai, making his way up the path. Kai was a towering figure, his muscular frame a testament to his Echo of Stone. His dark hair and bright green eyes contrasted sharply with his sun-tanned skin, and he carried a tattoo of a large hammer on his shoulder—a symbol of his strength and connection to the earth.

“Kai,” Thalia greeted him with a smile. “I was wondering when you'd show up.”

Kai grinned, a warm, genuine expression that softened his rugged features. “You didn't think I'd let you leave without saying goodbye, did you?” He pulled her into a bear hug.

Thalia laughed, returning the embrace. “Of course not. You know me too well.”

As they pulled apart, another figure approached, her steps graceful and fluid. Mira Tidesong, a healer from the village, was a vision of calm and serenity. Her flowing blue robes and staff adorned with seashells and pearls marked her as a master of the Echo of Tides. Her silver hair and kind eyes spoke of wisdom and compassion, qualities that had earned her the respect of everyone in Tidewatch.

“Thalia, Kai,” Mira greeted them with a serene smile. “I thought I might find you both here.”

“Mira,” Thalia said warmly. “I'm glad you came.”

Mira nodded, her gaze shifting to the ocean. “The world is calling you, Thalia. I can see it in your eyes. But remember, it's not just the journey you seek. It's the balance between light and dark, between calm and storm.”

Thalia's smile faded slightly as she considered Mira's words. “I know. And that's why I need to go. There's so much more out there, so many mysteries to uncover.”

Kai placed a hand on her shoulder, his grip reassuring. “We'll miss you, Thalia. But we know you have to do this. Just promise you'll come back and tell us about all your adventures.”

Thalia nodded, her resolve strengthening. “I promise. And who knows, maybe I'll find something that will help us all.”

As the three friends stood there, gazing out at the horizon, the air around them seemed to hum with energy. The Aether was always present, a constant flow of magic that connected them to the world and to each other.

“Thalia,” Mira said softly, her voice almost drowned out by the sound of the waves. “Before you go, I have something for you.”

Thalia turned to her, curiosity piqued. Mira reached into the folds of her robe and produced a small, intricately carved wooden box. She handed it to Thalia with a solemn expression.

“What's this?” Thalia asked, taking the box.

“Open it,” Mira replied.

Thalia lifted the lid to reveal a shimmering, ruby crystal. It pulsed with a gentle light, resonating with the same energy as her Ember Coin Necklace.

“It's a gift,” Mira explained. “A piece of the Aether Veins. It will enhance your connection to the Echo of Fire and help guide you on your journey.”

Thalia's eyes widened in awe. “Mira, this is incredible. Thank you.”

Mira placed a hand on Thalia’s. “Use it wisely. The world beyond Tidewatch can be dangerous, but I believe you have the strength and wisdom to navigate it.”

Thalia closed the box and tucked it into her satchel. “I won't let you down.”

Kai picked up his hammer and gave her a nod. “Stay safe out there, Thalia. And remember, we'll always be here if you need us.”

Just as Thalia was about to respond, a loud commotion erupted from the village below. The sound of hurried footsteps and raised voices reached the cliffside.

“What’s happening?” Thalia asked, concern etching her features.

Mira’s expression turned grave. “Let’s find out.”

The trio made their way back down to the village, where a group of villagers had gathered around a messenger who looked exhausted and terrified. His clothes were torn and muddy, evidence of a long and arduous journey.

“The Light Aether nation has turned against us," the messenger announced, his voice strained. "They've suddenly become hostile, attacking other Aether nations without warning. They seem... changed, corrupted somehow.”

Gasps and murmurs of fear rippled through the crowd. Thalia felt a chill run down her spine. The Light Aether nation was known for its wisdom and benevolence, their magic a source of healing and guidance. This news changed everything.

 

* * *

 

The village of Tidewatch buzzed with an urgency Thalia had never felt before. The news of the Light Aether nation's sudden and inexplicable aggression had cast a shadow over the usually tranquil coastal settlement. Villagers hurried to and fro, gathering supplies and fortifying defenses, while the council convened in the great hall to discuss their next steps.

Thalia Flameheart stood in the midst of the chaos, her mind racing. The Echo of Fire within her thrummed with energy, urging her to act. She glanced down at the Ember Coin Necklace around her neck, its bronze surface glowing softly. She knew what she had to do.

“Mira,” Thalia called out, spotting the healer among the crowd. Mira was directing villagers to set up a makeshift infirmary in case of attacks, her calm demeanor providing a steadying influence.

Mira looked up, her silver hair glinting in the sunlight. “Thalia, what is it?”

“I need to go to the Light Aether nation,” Thalia said, her voice resolute. “I need to find out what's happened to them and why they've turned against us.”

Mira's eyes widened in surprise, but she quickly composed herself. “Thalia, it's dangerous. If the Light Aether nation has truly turned hostile, you could be walking into a trap.”

“I know the risks," Thalia replied. "But I can't just stay here and do nothing. There's something wrong, something that doesn't make sense. The Light Aether nation has always been our ally. If there's even a chance I can find out what's happened to them and stop this madness, I have to try.”

Mira placed a hand on Thalia's shoulder, her expression serious. “You have a brave heart, Thalia. But promise me you'll be careful. The world beyond Tidewatch is full of dangers, especially now.”

“I promise,” Thalia said, her determination unwavering.

Kai approached, a concerned look on his face. He had been overseeing the fortifications, his presence a reassuring sight to the villagers. “You're really going, aren't you?” he asked, his voice a mix of concern and admiration.

Thalia nodded. “I have to, Kai. I need to find answers.”

Kai sighed, but a small smile tugged at his lips. “Then I'm coming with you.”

Thalia's eyes widened in surprise. “Kai, you can't. The village needs you here.”

“Tidewatch has plenty of strong hands,” Kai replied. “Besides, you're not going alone. You'll need someone to watch your back.”

Thalia hesitated, but she knew Kai was right. His strength and loyalty would be invaluable on such a dangerous journey. “Thank you, Kai,” she said, her voice filled with gratitude.

As they made their way to the council hall, the villagers parted to let them pass. Thalia felt their eyes on her, a mix of hope and fear reflected in their gazes. She knew she was about to undertake a perilous mission, but the thought of uncovering the truth and possibly saving their allies gave her the courage she needed.

Inside the great hall, the council members were deep in discussion. Elders and leaders from various parts of Tidewatch debated their next moves, their voices echoing off the stone walls. Thalia and Kai waited patiently until they were acknowledged.

“Thalia, Kai,” Elder Rowan said, his wise eyes looking over the two young warriors. “What brings you here?”

Thalia stepped forward, her heart pounding. “Elder Rowan, I wish to travel to the Light Aether nation and find out what's happened to them. Their sudden hostility is unlike anything we've seen before. I believe there's more to this than meets the eye.”

Murmurs of concern and skepticism filled the hall, but Elder Rowan raised a hand for silence. “Your bravery is commendable, Thalia. But this journey is fraught with danger. Do you truly believe you can uncover the truth?”

“I do,” Thalia replied firmly. “And I won't be going alone. Kai has agreed to accompany me.”

Elder Rowan looked at Kai, who nodded in affirmation. The elder sighed, his expression conflicted. “Very well. But know that this council will be praying for your safe return. We will provide you with supplies and whatever aid we can spare.”

“Thank you, Elder Rowan,” Thalia said, relief washing over her.

As they left the hall, Mira approached them once more. She handed Thalia a small pouch filled with herbs and potions. “For your journey,” she said. “May they keep you safe and strong.”

Thalia took the pouch, her gratitude evident. “Thank you, Mira. We'll return with answers.”

With their supplies gathered and farewells exchanged, Thalia and Kai stood at the edge of Tidewatch, looking out over the open road that would lead them to the Light Aether nation. The sun was beginning to set, casting a warm, golden glow over the landscape.

“Ready?” Kai asked, his voice steady.

Thalia nodded, her heart full of resolve. “Ready.”

They set off, beginning their journey into the largely uncharted wilderness.

 

II

 

“We need to be sure that one of us is always awake on shifts, to watch for Aetherborn,” Thalia said, glancing at Kai’s large figure as he walked.

“I agree.” Kai met her eyes. “Have you ever seen one? Or even heard stories?” He seemed uncharacteristically nervous about the thought of Aetherborn.

“I’ve seen pictures and heard stories,” Thalia said. “There are different kinds, for not only the different kinds of Aethers, but also different kinds of monsters. They can be as small and harmless as wolf cubs, to as large as grand castles. Those will end you without a second thought.”

Kai smiled faintly. “Good to know.”

They walked in silence for a few hours. They passed through fields and forests. Eventually they stopped sometime in the evening to eat and take a break from walking. 

“How are you holding up?” Kai asked, breaking the comf- ortable silence.

Thalia smiled. “I’m doing fine, how are you feeling?”

“I’m doing alright,” Kai said as he unloaded some things from his pack. "I should begin to catch animals for food before we run out. I'll be back before dark."

[TheSurvivorofDeath]

This is pretty good. I’d like to see some of the world building behind this, if you’d like to share.

[Shardwatcher01 he/him]

I basically just had the general idea and plot and just started writing, so I'm not even sure myself about all of the world building.

11 hours ago, TheSurvivorofDeath said:

This is pretty good. I’d like to see some of the world building behind this, if you’d like to share.

if you have any suggestions please let me know

[Shardwatcher01 he/him]

New inserted chapter 

 

II

 

Lord Kael stood on the balcony of the Light Aether nation’s grand palace. The balcony was stark white marble, with small gold implants lining the edges. It was a majestic building, built two centuries ago by the Light Aether’s great architects after the Great War.

There were several dark clouds forming in the distance, just on the horizon. “And thus, I am the harbinger of doom, and with my touch, the world shall unravel.”

He walked inside, past two guards who turned to follow him. He got certain protections, being the High Priest to King Orion, king of the Light Aether nation.

Lord Kael had been a priest since he was a young teenager. The middle child from every family was to be put through a test when they turned fourteen. 

Since the kingdom was so large, only a handful could be selected every year to be part of the Priesthood. By some fated chance, young Kael had been placed under the teacher of High Priest Cedric. 

He had risen through the ranks, learning all he could about the Priesthood and the Aethers. Lord Kael was fifty-three years old, but still maintained the build of a strong thirty-year-old.

He walked through the stunning halls of the palace,  admiring the detailed architecture of the marble. A red and black carpet filled the center of the hallway, Kael’s guards still trailing him ten feet behind him.

Kael felt a twinge of guilt for what he would need to do, but quickly stomped it out. They’re necessary casualties for what needs to happen in this world, he thought. Besides, many more will die anyway.

It was bound to happen. The world wouldn’t change peacefully. It needs something to get the ball rolling. 

At last, Lord Kael arrived at a lone door in the hallway. It was decorated the same as all the other doors, a large, heavy wood door painted white with a brass doorknob. 

He opened the door, and motioned for the pair to follow. The room was dimly lit, with just a few candles on the sides. There was a small round platform in the center, with a beam of sunlight from a window illuminating a man bound in the center of the circle.

One of the guards gasped. “King Orion!” They both rushed forward to help their king, but two figures dropped from the ceiling, both wearing deep black garb. 

They dropped directly onto each guard, and with one simple slice, cut the throats of both with curved obsidian knives made for assassins.

King Orion let out a gag-muffled cry as he watched the two soldiers sink to the ground, grabbing their necks. He strained in his bonds, tears flowing from his eyes.

The assassins quickly dragged the bodies away, then returned, giving Lord Kael a small salute. 

Kael stepped forward, taking out his own red knife made from crystal. The king’s eyes widened in their tears, and his struggling became more strained. Kael looked down at him, and removed his gag. 

“Why?” The king asked with a gasp. “Why, Kael? After all our years together? WHY?” He screamed at Lord Kael.

Lord Kael met his eyes. “This world needs change. My change. You are just a necessary piece on the board to remove.”

With these final words from Kael, he swiftly cut the King’s throat, a purple vapor releasing from his dying mouth. The royal Aether. Its power is above every other Aether, given from the Gods to the first king of the Light Aether nation.

The Light Aether nation was made to be a symbol of peace and strength, a leader to the other nations. 

That's going to change, Kael thought as he raised the mist to his mouth and breathed in.

Suddenly, he felt a surge of power. A shiver ran down his spine as his senses became sharper, heightened. He could feel vibrations in the ground of his hired help behind him. The air became sharper, every breath he felt the dust in the air. 

Lord Kael smiled, and strode out the door. “Clean this up,” he said in passing to the two assassins. “Come back to me when you’re done. I have things for you to do after.”

They never gave confirmation, but he knew they would do it. It’s how they work. He began to aim towards the Royal Library, as he  knew there would be books and scrolls about this newfound power.

Time to find out what I can do.

[Through the Living Shadow he/him]

Really good. I was looking for some Constructive Criticism, and really could find anything big. I really just found a nitpicky thing. It's not very important, so you don't need to read it. 

Spoiler

When the messenger comes, he seems as if he is at a loss for words. But doesn't he have a message predictated?