Stick's Poems (only)

[Just-A-Stick she/her]

So, I'm going to find all of my poems from everywhere and put them all in one place for your convenience.

I'll try to get them in the order they were written, so that the further you read, the better they get? (in theory)

The first one I wrote:

Spoiler

When Life Falls Apart

 

I Won't ever

Understand

Why

So much suffering

Is on Earth.

We try To make

The best of it;

Fix our circumstances,

But we fail.

We fall. Fall.

A deep, dark pit Yawns before us.

At the bottom,

There is no light, No upward path.

Just memories, sorrow, pain.

Regrets, choices, ghosts.

The way we act

When Life falls apart. It leaves wounds.

We bleed.

Our souls die.

No hope.

And yet.

There is hope.

Somewhere in the darkness.

Huddled, like a child;

Afraid. Afraid of what was lost.

Afraid of what could be found.

Afraid of Life.

Afraid of Death.

Afraid to dream again.

To start over.

To build up.

But we know that we must.

Start over.

Adopt Hope.

Begin living again.

Fight our way.

Out of the dark.

The hole.

The emptiness.

Others help us climb.

Through the pain.

The misery. And when we stumble, they help with our burdens.

We build again.

Build strength.

Stamina.

Resilience.

We grow our hope, In our hearts.

As we get closer,

To the light, Hope spreads;

Vining outward.

Ever upward.

To the light.

To peace.

To living again. We take the pieces of our lives;

Once scattered,

Across the barren wastelands

Of despair.

And put them back together.

Little by little.

Until the pain is gone.

Healed.

~ Stick 11-14-23

As far as I know, that's the first? I'm not sure if the date is exactly right, but it's as close as possible.

And now I'll just keep going, one per box  Note: A few don't have dates  

Spoiler

Abandoned 

 

 

Lost

Forgotten

Alone

Did I ever make a difference?

Do people care?

Does God see?

Why

Why do they wonder?

What is it like to be me?

The lies

So believable

Where are you?

When these feelings take over?

When it takes so much effort just to keep breathing?

When the fear is crippling?

When I am falling apart?

Body,

Mind,

Spirit,

Toppling over.

 

The wind is strong.

So strong.

I can feel it,

Tipping me toward decisions.

Regrets.

Why do we live?

For purpose?

What is that purpose?

Oh God, where are you?

In my hour of need?

In a matter of life and death?

My life?

My death?

When I need you!

With every fiber of my being

I know, somewhere inside,

That you hold me.

But

Why can I not feel those hands now?

 

Rest.

What is rest?

Why am I a stranger to so much?

Do my words mean anything?

I toss them up!

Toward you!

Do you hear?

They ricochet endlessly off the ceiling.

Bounce back into my face.

Why? Oh Lord?

Why me?

Did you choose,

When I was made,

To give me these burdens?

 

So heavy.

I strain under the weight of them,

Crying out for rest!

For help!

All the time, 

Wondering.

Wondering

Why,

Wondering when

This load will be lifted

If it even will.

Ever. 

 

I feel hopeless.

Abandoned

Dead inside

Wanting the deadness to consume me

What stops me?

From ending it all?

Facing eternity?

Killing my dreams

My plans

My hope

Myself

Empty.

 

Why am I here?

You say you have plans for me?

Prove it!

I bleed!

   In spirit

    In mind

     In body

Do you see?

Do you see the suffering?

Why is this called life?

Is there any hope at all?

I am dying!

And yet

You seem to do nothing!

Why?

 

Lord.

I fall.

Have fallen.

Will continue to fall.

Forever.

Will I be caught?

In anything other than this storm?

Emotions

Pain

Heartache

They swirl inside of me,

Beating against my very soul

Among them all,

The question remains,

Unanswered

Abandoned

Forgotten

Why?

 

You made us;

So fragile!

We break.

Hurt. 

Die.

And you!

Up where it is safe!

Look on and do nothing!?

Why are we like this?

What is the plan?

Why have you hidden from us?

 

I have dreams.

Nightmares

I am haunted

Creatures lurk

Skitter

Creep

Through the shadows in my soul

There is no escape

Death lives here

In my heart

But

I am still breathing

If only

If only I wasn’t-

These are the thoughts

The thoughts killing me-

Or am I killing myself?

Everything is dark

Cold

Scary

Why?

 

 

 

What kind of life is this?

Would it be better not to live at all?

Who understands?

Not my family!

Not my friends!

Not you!

Tell me, God!

Where are you?

When Hell has come to earth?

When I want to-

Feel as if I need to-

Die

Escape 

Fade away

Forever

 

Would anyone really notice?

If I was gone-

One instant-

One decision-

One jump-

One stab-

One life-

Gone

What if?

Who would care?

Who would weep?

If I

Was

Gone.

Forever.

 

Can I continue to bear this?

Like I have for so long?

If I just collapse?

The strain is too much! 

I am weak!

Alone.

 

You say that you are always with me?

Then where?

Where are you?!

What must I do to feel your presence?

Empty.

Alone.

Abandoned.

 

Spoiler

Sleep

 

 

What

Is sleep

But a

Distant

Memory

Of something

I once

Had?

Why?

God, you have

Taken this from

Me

Why?

Is it

Better this way?

No sleep, no nightmares

Right?

I wander

Alone

Forgotten

But

If not forgotten

What have I been

Remembered

For?

Legacy

What is a Legacy?

Do I have a legacy?

Does anyone care?

Who would really miss me?

I could

Take

The

Rope

The Knife

The jump

The poison

I would bleed

I would die

Cease to exist

Be away

From the pain

From the past

From the present

I would

Sleep

For eternity

Sleep

No one

Would notice

I would

Be gone

Like I never happened

Sounds

Like bliss

All I would have to do

Is

Sleep

 

Spoiler

Lost

 

I stumble

Down a

Long

Endless

Passageway

Never seeing the end

 

It is dark

So dark

Cold

Lonely

I know a way

To leave

Forever

To never go back

Or forward

To escape

But I am lost

I have no cliff high enough

No Knife sharp enough

No rope thick enough

No will strong enough

 

This is a different kind of death

I am dead

Inside

There is nothing to live for, so I am dead

I feel dead

Act dead

Wish to be dead

If I just-

But no,

I will not-

Or, cannot

 

I stumble 

Endlessly

 Down these trails

Of thought

I circulate

Over 

And

Over

A never ending cycle

Dead to the world.

Dead to myself.

Lost

Lost

Lost

Forever.

 

Escape?

What would I know of this?

It haunts me

Looms over

My head

A 

Shadow

A false

Promise

That

Never

Will come

True

 

The darkness

It consumes 

Me

Have I embraced it?

Why does it dwell

Inside 

Me?

 

What is light?

What is peace?

Joy?

Laughter?

When

When was the last time?

I was truly 

Happy?

 

God,

I feel 

Numb

Empty

Lost

Am I still

Your child?

Too lost

To find

Those

Hands

That hold

Me

The world

The broken

Pieces

Of life

As we know it 

Scattered

Left

For dead

In your 

Palm

Are you not

Strong?

Loving?

Present?

 

Then why?

Why can

We not feel you?

Why can I 

Not feel you?

You are there?

Then why

Why can’t

I 

Just

Believe?

Trust?

Rest?

 

Your arms

Hold me

Tighter

They

Catch

Me

When

I 

Fall

I fall

So often 

I fall

The meaning of life

It escapes me

Will you?

Let me see?

Open my blind eyes?

Rescue me?

So that

I 

Am

No longer

Lost?

 

I

I want

To make 

A difference

In the world

In my life

In the lives of

Others

Who might-

Just might

Remember me

 If I survive the fall

If I get found

If I can finally

See

The 

World

Again

Untainted

Like a child

Again

 

Was I

Once so young?

Innocent?

Without burdens?

Without this load that I carry 

Everywhere?

 

It is bound

With unbreakable

Chains

To my back

Shoulders

Heart

Will I ever be truly

Free?

Found?

Loved?

 

Freedom

What is freedom?

Able to choose 

For yourself?

To make mistakes?

And for it to be

All your own fault?

It that the way

Of not taking

Responsibility?

The word

Echoes in 

My head

Wondering
If it

Is good

Or bad

 

 

Found

What is found?

Found is something

I am not

Will never be

Unless

Unless you

Pull me from my darkness

Change me

Inside and out

To be yours again

Like I once was

Like I want to be

Again

 

 

Loved?

I am learning

To love

To accept love

To love You

To be loved by You

It is

A struggle

An uphill climb

A part of life

But

I am learning

There is grace

Maybe,

Someday,

I will

Finally

Be 

Found

 

Spoiler

Tears

 

If your eyes

Are the window to the soul,

What are tears?

 

Raindrops,

Splashing against the glass?

Rolling down the window pane.

Collecting on the ground.

 

Rain is good.

It helps things grow.

Why are tears so bad?

Because we never stop

To think about

What grows from them.

 

When the rain falls,

We can be grateful.

It is washing the world.

When the tears fall,

They cleanse us,

Give us a new perspective,

Let us see without dirty windows.

 

They bring a beautiful,

Rain washed dawn.

They are a part of life.

An essential part.

 

We express ourselves,

Through our tears.

Whether those be happy tears,

Or sad tears.

 

The emotions have to come

Out somehow,

And so, God gave us tears.

A way to cleanse the spirit,

As well as the body.

 

Spoiler

Thank you

 

Thank you.

Thank you for the hugs.

The tears.

The well wishes.

The “get better soon”s 

The thoughts.

The memes.

The stories.

 

Thank you for letting me know.

That you care.

About my existence.

About me.

And whatever is happening in my world.

 

Thank you for checking in .

Thank you for caring.

Thank you for making me smile.

Thank you for making me cry.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Thank you for relating to me.

Thank you for sticking by me. (sorry @Edema Rue for the pun ) *hehe* 

Thank you for PMing me.

Thank you for RPing with me. 

Thank you for talking to me.

Thank you for leaving your family to come watch Frozen on the couch.

Thank you for loving me, even though I’m far from perfect.

Thank you for showing that love.

Thank you for being my shardbuddie.

Thank you for reading my writing.

Thank you for commenting on my artwork.

Thank you for making sure I'm ok.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Thank you for just being available. 

Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for the phone calls.

Thank you for the FaceTimes.

Thank you for letting me express myself.

Thank you for being ok with me dumping my problems.

Thank you for helping me sort through them.

Thank you for the times when I'm not ok, and you care.

Thank you for giving me hope.

Thank you for telling me the truth, even when it's hard.

Thank you for catching me.

Thank you for holding my heart.

Thank you for holding my emotions.

Thank you for praying with me.

Thank you for helping. 

 

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you!

 

 

~ Stick

12-21-23

 

Spoiler

Healing

 

 

 

Healing can take

Many months

Or even

Years

 

Healing can take many

Many forms

 

Medicine

Therapy

Prayers

 

 

I

Am healing

From many wounds

Some are physical

But most are not

 

I have wounds

On my heart

In my head

On my arms

Attached to my feelings

 

Some of them

Are healing

But you cannot have

Healing

Without

Scars

 

I have physical scars

Emotional scars

Mental scars

 

The scars don’t heal

They stay

As reminders

Of what you’ve been through

Of where you’re going

Of the rough days

On the hard road

Called

Life

 

I do believe

That some day

We will be healed

The earth will be healed

I will be healed

 

But

Till that day comes

I will remain

Broken

 

Broken

Like the earth

And its inhabitants

And everything else

This side of heaven

 

And one day

Our healing

Will burst through

The clouds

Riding on a

White Horse

Carrying his sword

Which is The Word of God

 

Our blessed Redeemer

Come to save us

Take away our scars

Sins

Pain

And we will

Finally

Get

Healing

 

 

~ Stick 12-24-23

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Words



Words let you express,
Feel,
Understand,
I am learning to use words
To help others

It is my greatest wish
That my words would help,
Someone out there,
Who feels like me.


I cannot promise
That my words will work for you.
Who am I, but the author?

Words help me,
But they might not help you.
That’s alright.
You don’t have to be like me.
You are loved, just as you are.

You have other ways
To express, get relief,
Understand, feel.
But this is my way.
Through words.

~ Stick 12-28-23

 

Spoiler

Breath

 

 

In, out,

Steady, constant,

Always there,

Until it’s not.

 

In silence,

In noise,

In crowds,

We all breathe.

 

Slowly, quietly,

Deeply, loudly,

Quickly, shallowly,

Breath always happens.

 

Keep breathing,

My friends,

In,out

Please keep breathing

 

I know

It hurts,

It’s hard,

But keep breathing

 

You’re strong,

You’re brave,

It’s possible.

Don’t be afraid.

 

Keep breathing

Good job

In, out.

Try it again.

 

In, out,

Count them,

In, out

You’ll make it

 

In, out

In, out

In, out

Are you okay?

 

Need more?

In, out

In, out

It’s getting easier

 

Every time

You’re scared

Keep breathing

Just keep breathing.

 

~Stick 12-28-23

 

Spoiler

Held

 

I want to be held

I want to feel arms around me

I want someone to hug me

And not let me go

 

I want someone to touch me

Rub my back

Play with my hair

Lay next to me

Hold my hand

Kiss my head

Lean on my shoulder

Lay their hands on me

 

Let me know you care

Let me know I’m worth it

Let me know I can still feel

Even through the numbness

And pain

 

Let me see your face

Let me see you hold me

Let me see you smile

 

Please hold me

Don’t let me go

I need the attention

I need to know you care

I need to be held

 

~Stick 12-30-23

 

Spoiler

Tight

 

 

I hold on tight

To my friends

As the pieces of my life

Fall in around me

And are blown away

By a brutal wind

 

I wonder

How long it will take

For friends to leave me

How long?

A day?

A week?

A month?

 

I’m sure they will

All leave

Eventually

It’s only a matter of time

Before I’m

Alone

Again

 

I am

Not safe

Alone

I do not trust myself

Alone

 

When they are gone

What will keep me

From being blown away

By the wind

 

The wind that

Blows me

Toward decisions

Ones that I will

Surely regret

 

My friends

Hold me

Support me

Love me

 

I

Would not be

Alive

Without them

 

Is that a good thing?

If they weren’t here

I would already

Have found

Rest

And peace

 

Instead

I’m still here

In nearly ceaseless

Turmoil

 

I feel as though I

Am drowning

And none can save me

 

I cling

To my words

My writing

To save me

But

Even that has holes

 

I am slowly

Sinking

The light is fading

Darkness is

Creeping

Into my mind

My heart

My chest

My lungs

My essence

 

I

Am

The

Darkness

 

I

Have

Become

The

Darkness

 

I

Have

Been

Consumed

By

Darkness

 

There is nothing left

 

 

~ Stick

12-25-23

 

Spoiler

Captive

 

I am captive

In your love

It is strong like nothing else

I run to you with my fear

My sadness

I am not alone

Your loving arms

Hold me tight

Like nothing and no one else can

My hiding place

My comfort

In you I find my rest

I belong to you

When I look to you I cry

“Abba, Father.”

And you answer

I feel your love

When I can’t feel anything else

You are my port in the storm

My safe space where I can create

Without fear of the brutal world

I am protected

Your spirit is with me always

In my pain

In my distress

My disappointment

You are there

Making all things new

And beautiful

Peaceful

And quiet

Here

Captive in your embrace

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Monster

 

 

I have a monster,

Clinging to my soul

It lurks

Down in the blackest

Corner of my heart

 

It arises

When it’s not wanted

It tries to consume me

It lies to me

Telling me that I’m not good enough

Or that I’m unlovable

Or messed up

Or weird

Or to depressed for real friends

And I believe it

 

The monster won’t leave

I can’t chase it away

I am powerless to escape

It’s icy claws

It’s hot breath

The wounds it leaves

 

The monster is

Slowly killing me

Slowly controlling my body

And my mind

 

I don’t even want to escape

I embrace the monster,

Even as it cuts me

Even as it controls me

 

I want to bleed

I want to be in pain

I want to die

I want to not exist

 

I don’t know

What I need

What will help

 

But I don’t want help

I just want to die

And bleed

And hurt

 

I want to be eaten

By the monster

I want to be gone

I want to cut myself

I want to kill myself

I want somebody to kill me

 

With a rope

A gun

A knife

Or drowning

 

I can’t keep

Going

With this

Monster

Inside

But

I don’t want

It

To

Leave

 

~ Stick 1-1-24

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Suicidal

 

The thoughts

Lurking

Always there

Ready to

Snatch me away

Break me down

Steal my soul

My breath

My life

 

There is no escape

They follow me

Down the

Tortured

Twisted

Pathways

In my head

They hide

But always

Resurface

And try again

 

They always try again

 

This is me

This is how

It feels

To be

Suicidal

 

I can’t control

My thoughts

My urges

The things

That I think

Need to happen

 

“Take the pills”

They whisper to me

I hear the voices

“Find the knife”

I cannot escape

“The rope! Yes!

Use the rope!”

I am drowning

I can’t escape

“Drowning? Yes! D r o w n.

Escape? No. Never.”

If I die

Will my voices

Leave me in peace?

“Peace? When have we ever had that?”

I don’t know

“We never had it. It’s gone, out of reach to us.”

But… no. We can find peace!

“THE CAR! JUMP IN FRONT!

NOW!”

No!

“You can’t face the world!

Look at you!

Who wants to see that?

Good… hide under the blankets

No air.

Press them against your face…

Good…. Good girl…”

No! I need to stay!

“Stay for who? No one wants to see you. Back under the blankets. NOW!”

 

I believe the voices

I don’t want to

But

I do

They are taking over

My entire

Life

“There is no life for you. End it now.”

 

I am

“Messed up? Unloved? Stupid? Dis-functional? Outcast? Alone? Unwanted? Better off dead.”

Suicidal

 

~ Stick 1-12-24

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

Be Thou My Vision





Lord
I need you
Have needed you
Will continue to need you

You
Are my inheritance
My treasure
My vision
Lord of my heart
My protector
The song on my lips
The verse in my soul
Words
Fall
Short

You hold me
My broken pieces
My hurting heart
Even when
I can’t feel you hands
I know
Still you are there
Always

You
Are my Great Father
My Living Hope
My Emmanuel
My Yeshua
My Almighty
My Creator
My Good Shepherd
My Jehovah Jireh

The breath on my face
And in my lungs
My Redeemer
My King

I fall
On my face
Before your
Presence
Too great
For a mere
Mortal to
Stand in

Messiah
Anointed One
Shiloh
Prince of Peace
My Jesus
My vision
My hiding place
My Rock
My shelter
My God
The opener of my eyes
My Vision
Forever
And
Always
Amen.

 

 

Spoiler

Whole

 

We, as people

Are broken.

 

How does one mend

A fractured heart?

A tattered, abused spirit?

A sad, lonely existence.

 

We need something,

Someone,

To fix us,

Make us whole,

New,

Better than before.

 

He has a name,

More wonderful than

All others.

We speak His name

Into the dark,

Into the pain,

Into the awful circumstances.

He is our peace,

Our light,

Our rescue,

Savior,

Redeemer,

Our Lord.

 

His name

Is

Jesus

 

He is with us.

He fights for us.

He understands.

Jesus.

 

The

Only one

Who

Can

Ever

Make

Us

Whole

 

Jesus.

 

~ Stick 12-29-23

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Wounds

 

Mental

Physical

Emotional

Verbal

 

Wounds

Leave

Scars

 

Scars

Are

Signs

 

Of

What

You’ve

Been

Through

 

Of

Where

You’re

Going

 

Wounds

Bleed

And

Hurt

And

Need

Care

Always

 

Wounds

Hurt

And

Scar

And

Look

Ugly

Sad

And

Scary

 

Trauma

Is

A

Wound

 

Depression

Is

A

Wound

 

Anxiety

Is

A

Wound

 

Loneliness

Is

A

Wound

 

Neglect

Is

A

Wound

 

There

Are

Many

Many

Many

Wounds

 

Healing

Cannot

Always

Happen

 

The

Wounds

Don’t

Always

Go

Away

 

The

Scars

Are

Here

For

Good

 

But

They

Might

Become

Less

Visible

With

Time

 

You

Will

Be

Wounded

Again

And

Again

 

It

Is

Unfortunately

A

Part

Of

Life

 

Enjoy

Your

Wounds

And

Hurts

And

Pain

 

Before

The

Scars

Come

To

Consume

You

 

~ Stick 12-29-23

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Story

 

I wish my life

Was a story.

I could make a

Character

To be me.

I could fix her,

Make her perfect,

Happy, loved,

Wanted.

 

I wonder…

How much would I add?

What would I take away?

What would she be like?

Who are her friends?

Who is her family?

What does she like to do?

 

Would she be

Happy?

Would she feel loved?

Does she care about others?

Does she love herself?

Does she

Bear the scars that

I do?

 

Does her mind work?

Is she insane to?

Is she worse off than me?

Does she want to die?

Is she lonely?

 

Is she

Somewhere inside me?

Trapped

By the walls around

My heart?

 

Is she alone?

Did she ever

Find love?

 

Is she watching me

Fail my life?

From somewhere outside?

 

Is she apart of me?

Is she upset at me

For ruining our life?

For making the decisions we did?

For hearing the voices?

The voices that haunt us?

 

What is wrong with her?

Does she feel like I do?

Like a failure?

Or unworthy?

 

Can she write better than me?

Does she have more friends?

Does she love herself?

 

Is she okay, wherever she is?

Is she a mess?

Does she hear voices?

Does she talk to herself?

Do people think she’s crazy?

Does she think she’s crazy?

I think I’m crazy.

 

Does she try to hide?

Her feelings and emotions?

Her scars…

All the bad things-

Or, are there none in her life?

 

Is she happy, wherever she is?

Does she know that

It’s all a story?

 

I wish

I could be

Her

And living in a

Story.

 

~ Stick 1-16-24

 

 

 

Spoiler

Heartbreak

 

I miss my friends

I’m lonely

I want to be held

I want to have my tears

Wiped away

 

The breaking of a heart

Can happen anytime

It can be good

Or it can be bad

 

God can mend our hearts

He can fix our scars

He can piece our lives

together again

 

We just have to

Fling ourselves

Our trust and entire

Being

Into his strong arms

 

Only He can fix

My-

Our

Heartbreak

 

~ Stick 1-15-24

 

Spoiler

Frightened

 

Every sound

Every shadow

Every yell

Every clap

Every laugh

Every scream

The noise

 

The whispers

In my ears

Telling me

To do things

 

The shadows

That only I

Can see

That lurk in the

Corners

Of my mind

 

The people

Who yell

Who scream

Who make the noises

Who fight

And get hurt

Who sometimes

Become the

Shadows

 

I am so frightened

I cannot breathe

My panic

Forces the air

From my body

 

I’m shaking

Yet I feel like I

Can’t move

 

I am weak

I get scared

I am nothing

But

A small child

Who is

Frightened

 

~ Stick 1-17-14

 

Spoiler

Shadow

 

I am a shadow

Of who I once was.

 

A lonely, dark shadow.

 

A shadow and

A shell

I can never be filed

Like I used to be

Never again

 

I like being the Shadow

I drift through my life

Never caring

 

Shadows cannot be hurt

For they are nothing

 

I am nothing

And yet

I still hurt

 

If I just become the shadow

Just a bit more

I won’t be hurt anymore

I can sink and

Drown alone

 

Drown

Alone

In

My

Shadow

 

~ Stick 1-17-24

 

Spoiler

Love

 

We were created to love

And yet… love causes so much

Pain.

 

I almost welcome the pain.

But I don’t always want the love.

 

Love is a fickle emotion. People say I’m loved, but I can’t believe them, for I do not feel.

 

All I can feel is my heart, breaking inside me, the pain consuming my soul.

 

Let the pain come.

The Shadow can stand it.

 

Shut out the love.

You don’t deserve it.

You can survive in your own

Pitiful

World

Of

Pain.

 

~ Stick 1-17-24

 

Spoiler

Those nights

 

It is one of those nights

When nothing goes right

When I sink

Into my depression

When hope is gone

 

I have a dear friend-

Several, in fact.

 

They hold me

On nights like this one

They love me

On nights like this one

 

It’s worth the pain

On nights like this one

 

If these nights were gone

There would be no

Joy in the morning

 

The bonding

Would never happen

 

I don’t have

Shallow friendships

It’s go deep

Or go home

 

And when you

Have a night like this

You

Can talk to me

But, my other friend is here to

One much stronger and better than me

His mighty name

Is Jesus

 

I hope, dear one,

That you go to him.

I am here, yes, but

I am weak.

 

Only He

Can hold you

When I cannot

When I am weak

He holds me to.

It’s ok to show weakness.

We are human.

 

Strength is falling

And getting back up,

Letting Him pick you up

 

He can hold you

On these nights.

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Save me

 

I stretch

Out

My arms

And you

Save

Me.

 

You save me.

 

I don’t deserve

To be

Saved.

 

But you

You do it

Anyway.

 

You died for me.

You bled and died for me

For me

 

How can I not

Love who you

Saved?

Who you died for?

 

It is a

Decision.

 

I decided

Years ago

To hate myself.

 

And so I have.

 

I have hated

This beautiful,

Scarred creature

You call

Your Daughter.

 

No More.

 

I am Strong

I am Beautiful

I am a Warrior

 

I am Loved

By myself.

 

You saved me,

So I am choosing

Right here,

Right now.

 

I love myself.

I love how You made me.

I am Your handiwork.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I was made

Exactly how I You chose.

 

I am free

 

Because You

You have

Saved me.

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Party

 

I am supposed to be

Happy.

 

It’s a party, right?

Everyone is happy

At a party.

 

Not this person.

I wish I could hide…

Sit in the corner,

Under my blanket,

Back to the wall,

Ignore everything,

Ignore everyone,

Lost

In my

Head.

 

Thank you

For the presents

Thank you

For coming

But I need

To be alone now.

Goodbye

Good night

I’m leaving.

 

I’m sorry.

I know

I’m supposed to

Be the center

Of attention.

But I can’t

 

I’m to busy

Leaving the party.

 

Goodbye,

The party

Is

Over.

 

~ Stick 1-21-24

 

Spoiler

Fifteen Years

 

Fifteen years

Is not a lot of time.

It feels

Like not very much,

But also

All the time

In the world.

 

I want to go back.

I want to return

To when things

Were simpler

And I didn’t hear

All the voices

Driving me to do things

 

Screaming at me

Trying to run my

Life.

 

Fifteen years

 

Where is my life going?

What is my purpose?

 

I’m here for a reason, right?

 

I’m not just here

To be crazy, right?

 

I’m not just here

To be tormented,

Am I?

 

Fifteen years

 

I am supposed to

Do things

But I can’t

Even

Get

Up

Off the

Floor.

 

I have a life

To live,

But I

Can

Hardly

Breathe.

 

Fifteen years

 

How many

More years

Will I have?

 

One?

Two?

Five?

 

None?

 

Is this my last

Year?

Is this my last

Month?

Last week?

Last

Day?

 

Maybe

I’ll get

Another

Fifteen

Years.

 

Maybe

I’ll die

Tomorrow.

 

Thank you

For my

Fifteen years.

 

 

~ Stick 1-21-24

 

Spoiler

Learning

 

I am learning.

I’m learning that I’m loved.

I’m learning that it’s okay to cry.

I’m learning that I don’t have to be okay.

I’m learning that living is worth the pain.

Even if it doesn’t always

Feel that way.

 

I’m learning that pain

Makes you stronger.

 

I’m learning that joy

Comes in the morning.

 

I’m learning that God listens.

He is here. He will protect me.

 

I’m learning about how many people

Love me and care about me.

 

I’m learning that there is more to life

Than stress.

 

There is more to life than depression

Or anxiety.

 

I’m learning about

My purpose.

 

I am here

For a reason.

Even if

I haven’t found it yet,

I’m learning

To trust

To love

Others, as well as

Myself.

 

It’s hard

But

I’m getting

Stronger.

 

I am learning.

 

~ Stick 1-23-24

 

Spoiler

Someday

 

You.

You make me believe.

 

You hold me and make me

Believe

In someday.

 

I can’t thank you enough

For that.

I know that

I’m a messy person.

I’m everywhere at once.

 

My emotions go

Everywhere.

 

My thoughts go everywhere.

 

I just can’t stop them.

 

But you help

To hold me together.

All my little pieces,

That try to escape and

Hurt me,

You hold me together.

 

I love you for it.

I feel safe with you.

I trust you.

 

But

Still I fear.

I fear that

Someday

Will never happen.

 

I fear that

I will be left.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to be vulnerable,

Even with you.

I don’t want to get hurt

Again.

 

I don’t want to be

Abandoned

So I’m scared

To love

Scared to dream

Scared to be free

And let myself

Love.

 

I’m trying.

I do love you,

I do trust you,

But I’m sorry

If I’m not

Like everyone

Else.

 

I’m trying

But

The trauma

Just

Won’t leave.

 

And yet

Here I am

Believing

In

Someday.

 

Look what you did!

You got me

To believe

In something.

 

You got me

To love

Someone.

 

And I’m trying.

I really

Really

Am.

 

But

It’s just hard

Right now.

 

If you want

To leave,

The doors open.

 

But,

Someday.

 

~ Stick 1-25-24

 

 

 

Spoiler

Homeless

 

 

I see it.

Their blank, hopeless stares

The way they beg for anything

I was once

So hopeless

Life was bleak.

I worked hard

To keep myself breathing

I had my family

To support me.

Who do they have?

No one.

We turn a blind eye

On their suffering

And pain

Their problems

We try not to see.

But why?

Are they not people too?

What’s the difference?

A few dollars

A roof over our heads

Hope

That’s the real difference.

We know where

Our next meal is coming from

They do not.

But

We can help them

Find themselves

Pick themselves up

Get back on their feet

We can help them to stand

Again

 

 

~ Stick 1-13-24

 

Spoiler

Where my thoughts go

 

 

 

 

I want to go out

And lay on the snow

I want to forget I ever

Learned to breathe

 

I want to freeze

All alone in the cold

I want to die

I want to fade away with no more pain

I want to feel

My body

Slowly freezing

Stiff

And

Cold

And

Dead

 

It’s hard to laugh

When you’re crying.

 

It’s hard to react

When you’re empty.

 

It’s hard to feel safe

When you’re scared.

 

It’s hard to have hope

When you’re hopeless.

 

It’s hard to love

With no pain.

 

It’s hard to fly

Without wings.

 

It’s hard to pray

Without words.

 

It’s hard to think

When you’re emotionless.

 

It’s hard to hold

When you’re breaking.

 

 

The scars don’t define me

The pain doesn’t define me

My stupid brain doesn’t define me

 

I want to die

Without my thoughts

Spiraling out of control

 

I want peace

I want nothingness

I want to fade away

 

I don’t want to exist

I don’t want the feelings

And emotions of something alive

 

I want to know why

My brain spirals

Why it always

Ends up in the

Abyss

 

I want to know why

I can’t just be normal

I can’t just stop shaking

I can’t just stop crying

 

I want to know why

I’m a mess

Why I hate myself

Why I can’t trust

Anyone

 

I want to know why

Your arms are out of reach

I want to know

The answers to my questions

The pathway to my heart

Around and through

My walls

 

Getting to my heart is a maze

It feels

Impossible

 

I can’t feel the arms

I can’t feel the pain

The love

Any of it

I am numb

I asked for this

I made myself this way

I deserve this

 

I am

A

Numb

Shadow

Of

Who

I

Once

Was

 

The lonely mist

Surrounds me

I can’t see

I can’t breathe

I can’t feel

I can’t even scream

Would I even want to?

 

I’m scared

Scared of change

Scared of abandonment

Scared of the shadow

That I have become.

 

Scared that I will never

Be what I should be

For everyone.

 

This is where my mind goes.

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Sweatshirt

 

I wrap myself

Up in it.

I imagine you’re here

With me.

Holding my hand,

Holding me,

Loving me.

 

I feel you,

In this sweatshirt.

I miss you,

I’m thinking of you.

I think you’re here with me.

I hide in this sweatshirt,

Pretending I’m hiding in your

Loving arms.

 

It smells like you.

It feels like you.

It’s a bittersweet

Feeling, wearing

Your sweatshirt.

 

I think of you often,

I miss you lots,

It makes me lonely,

But also hopeful.

You will have

To see me again,

Or else,

Say goodbye

To your sweatshirt.

 

I love you.

I’m missing you.

I can’t wait

To see you,

Wearing my sweatshirt,

And give you

A hug.

 

I’m thinking of you

From

Inside

This

Sweatshirt.

 

~ Stick 1-26-14

 

Spoiler

Bracelet

 

 

This little insignificant looking thing

Holds so much weight,

Holds so many memories.

 

We were sitting

On my bed,

You handed me a tiny little

Package.

It was my birthday.

 

I could hardly wait

To open it,

Tearing away the wrapping,

To reveal, a small,

Chain,

Bracelet.

 

I took it out, and you

Clipped it on

My wrist.

 

I look at it now,

And miss you.

I wish you were here.

 

 

I want to hold your hand.

I want to pull you close.

I want to snuggle you,

Kiss your forehead,

Tell you how much

I love you.

 

But I don’t have

You,

All I have is

This

Bracelet.

 

~ Stick 2-2-24

 

Spoiler

Snowflake

 

Tumbling,

Twisting,

Falling from the sky.

 

The snowflakes

Hit the ground

And pile

Into drifts.

 

Fleecy,

Delicate,

Never alone,

 

They dance

Through the air

To their own

Song.

 

The song of falling snow.

 

The lonely sound

Of the winter

Wind

Sighing through the trees

 

Accompany the

song of falling snow.

 

The cold melody

Plays across the

Frigid

Winter night.

 

The snowflake

Is but a

Tiny part

Of the

Symphony.

 

And yet, without it,

There would be

No

Music.

 

 

~ Stick 1-16-24

 

Spoiler

Toxic

 

I have toxic

People

In my life.

 

I’m close to them.

I love them.

I don’t want to

Leave them.

I said I would never leave.

I said that I was there for them.

 

But

I can only get

Hurt so many times

Before my trust is broken.

Before the trauma

Overtakes me.

 

I need to leave.

But I don’t want them

Hurt like I have been.

I don’t want to

Put anyone else

Through that pain.

 

I love them.

I promised.

I want to be there

But it hurts

 

It hurts mentally,

Emotionally,

Once or twice,

Physically.

 

But I can’t leave,

Right?

Would they leave

If the roles were reversed?

 

Do I

Even care

Enough to leave?

I welcome the pain.

It feels right.

I just don’t care.

 

I feel toxic.

I am so messed up.

I make others worry,

I make them uncomfortable,

Upset,

Stressed,

 

What if

I’m the toxic one?

If they feel trapped?

If I just let them go…

If I just left,

If I rebuilt

All the walls

Around my heart.

 

If I went back

To being alone.

It’s what’s best

For everyone,

Right?

 

They don’t need

The toxic friend.

They are hurt.

They wish they could escape.

But they don’t want to hurt me.

 

I can stand the pain.

 

My heart may break,

But I can hide it.

My life may crash,

But I can lose myself and

Not exist.

 

I can close myself off

From everyone

And everything.

That’s what’s best.

For everyone.

 

They have other friends.

Ones who aren’t

Toxic.

 

I am the

Toxic

Friend

And I’m

Sorry.

 

~ Stick 1-25-24

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Blanket

 

Every time

I go to the blanket

Whenever I’m stressed

I’m lonely

I’m crying

I hate myself

I flee to my blanket

 

I hide with my blanket

It holds me

When my friends

Cannot

 

Sometimes

I go under the blanket

Alone in the dark

I cry

I scream

I claw at my skin

I hate this thing I’m

Trapped in

 

The air

Isn’t under the blanket

And I’m glad

I don’t want the air

Breathing is too hard

It’s easier not to

 

I wrap myself in this blanket

I hide from the

Cruel

Cold

World

 

I have many blankets

I have named them all

All are suffocating

In there own way

 

I have a blanket

Named Depression

 

I have a blanket

Named Anxiety

 

I have a blanket

Named Self- harm

 

I have a blanket

Named

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder

 

I have a blanket

Named Stress

 

I have a blanket

Named Suicide

 

I have a blanket

Named Empty

 

I sometimes hide under

All my blanket-

The emotional ones

And the physical one.

 

The good things

Feel like

Mist

Instead of

Blankets

 

Not very easy to feel

Especially

Through

My

Blankets

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Weakness

 

 

Weakness

Vulnerability

 

I have learned

That without weakness

I can never

Be

Strong.

 

I need to be vulnerable

Or nothing

Feels

Real.

 

It is hard!

There is a chance

That you will get hurt.

But which is worse?

The numbness?

Or the pain?

 

You cannot

Have

Healing

Without

Pain.

 

You cannot

Have

Strength

Without

Weakness.

 

You cannot

Have

Joy

Without

Sadness.

 

Look behind you.

Look at the journey.

Look how far we’ve come!

 

He has been here

For all of it.

 

He has been guiding

You

Me

All Of

Us

In his

Own

Special

Way.

 

Think very

Very

Hard.

 

Open your heart.

 

Can you feel him?

In your moment of weakness?

Can you feel

His hand

On your shoulder?

Guiding you?

Keeping you

Close to

Him?

 

He is here

Right now

When you can hardly

Breathe

When the emptiness

Tries to

Eat you

Alive

When you

Are lonely

When pain is all you feel

Give it to Him

He already felt it all

On a very

Special

Tree

All those

Years

Ago.

 

He knows.

He cares.

He will take

Your pain

Your scars

Your shame

Your wounds

 

All you have to do

Is show

Your

Weakness.

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Heartbeat

 

I lean back

Against your chest,

Feeling your heartbeat.

 

I can feel you breathing.

So alive,

So beautiful…

 

What we have

Feels like

Magic.

 

I can feel your arms

Surrounding me,

Cradling me against you.

 

I never want to leave.

I feel you, even when

I’m alone.

 

I close my eyes,

My heart swells

With our love.

 

My heartbeat

Intertwines

With yours.

 

I’m holding

Your hand,

Tightly in my own.

 

You aren’t leaving.

I’m not leaving.

I never want to.

 

Your spirit,

So beautiful.

I can see who you really are.

 

You try to hide it,

But I can see,

And what I see is beautiful.

 

Your arms are

Holding me tightly.

I cannot fall, when I’m held.

 

I love you.

I don’t have the words.

But, I love you.

 

You.

I’ve been looking for

You.

 

All along,

It was you.

And I’ve been waiting.

 

I’ve been waiting,

And now, I’ve

Finally found you.

 

I feel your heartbeat,

Keeping you alive,

Keeping our love safe.

 

I don’t want

Anyone else.

You are mine.

 

I will cling to you,

Try to stay

In your arms.

 

Please, don’t hurt who

I love so much,

Who I care about so deeply.

 

I’m praying over both

Of us.

That we stay strong, together.

 

It all comes back,

To that one

Heartbeat.

 

That one heartbeat,

That connected

Us both.

 

Connected

By

That

One

Heartbeat.

 

~ Stick1-26-24

 

Moonlight

 

I’m staring at the moon.

I’m thinking

I’m thinking about you,

Where you are,

Why you have to be

So far away from me.

 

I’m wondering

Are you

Looking at the deep,

Rich, velvet,

Night sky,

Thinking of me?

 

I miss you.

My heart is longing for you,

Your embrace,

The feeling of safety.

 

I’m thinking of you,

Imagining you,

Dreaming of you.

 

I love you,

And so I go,

To the only place I know,

To express that love.

 

I’m counting stars,

Counting the ways I

Love you.

 

You never stray far

From my thoughts,

From my heart.

 

It beats, and I think of you,

Of one day, when our hearts

May beat in tandem.

 

The day cannot come fast enough.

Here I am, far away,

Longing for your touch.

 

The moonlight,

Illuminates my tears,

Turning them to silver

Comets down my face.

 

They are tears of longing,

Tears of joy,

Tears because,

I’m so filled with our love,

That it overflows.

 

It is beautiful,

Like your heart,

Like your love,

Like all those

Endless stars,

Watching both of us,

Connecting us,

Somehow.

 

We are both together,

And yet, alone,

Here, in the

Moonlight.

 

~ Stick 1-26-24

 

 

 

Alone

 

 

Once again

Here I am

Alone.

 

I knew,

It wouldn’t last,

I knew,

It was just to

Good to be

True.

 

And yet,

I trusted

That I wouldn’t be

Hurt

Left

Forgotten.

 

Here I am,

Alone.

 

I was held,

I was loved,

I thought-

Not anymore.

 

Now I’m just here

Now I’m just crying

Now I’m just trying

To hold together

my breaking heart,

Pretending that

I’m fine,

That we are fine,

Because nobody cared

In the first place.

 

It was all teasing,

All a joke.

And I lied

To myself.

I said I wouldn’t be hurt again

Or left, again

But I was.

 

It was a stupid decision.

I should’ve known.

I won’t be so

Stupid next time.

 

I’ll never be

That naive again.

I just have to rebuild

My walls.

Thicker and stronger

Than ever.

 

I have to protect my heart.

I need those walls up.

I can’t be broken again.

I’ll never be that easy to

Hurt again.

 

Good luck,

Trying to break them.

I’m fine,

I’m just breaking.

I’m just hurt,

I’m just adding

To my walls

I’m just adding to

My trauma.

 

No big deal,

It’s normal,

I saw it coming,

But I lied to myself.

It’s my fault anyway,

I wouldn’t want me

Either, if i was him.

 

I’m fine.

Just broken.

Just abandoned.

Just alone.

 

~ Stick 1-29-24

 

 

Spoiler

Unstable 

 

My mind rocks

In the turbulent darkness

 

It wavers on the brink

Of a decision.

A choice.

A plan.

 

I can’t continue.

Everything hurts.

Breathing is too much work.

 

I’m drowning under all these

Things

That I have to do

 

I’m drifting,

Lost in thought.

I have a plan,

I can just

End it.

 

I want it to happen

I’m practically begging for it

To happen.

 

It’s just too much.

I can’t.

I’m so sorry,

But I just can’t.

 

Can’t cry,

Can’t feel

Anything but this desire.

 

Why am I here?

I hate this.

All of it.

 

This pitiful,

Broken,

Scarred

Cage.

I’m trapped in this cage.

 

I know only one

Way to escape.

That’s to just

End it.

 

I’m so tired.

All I want is rest.

I’m sorry,

But it will happen

One day

 

I want it to be today.

I can’t face tomorrow.

Another

Day

Of torture.

 

Trapped in my cage,

This stupid

Empty

Cage.

 

The cage I can’t escape.

The cage I hate.

This cage won’t be here

Forever.

 

I’ll end my own suffering

It’s only a matter of time.

Till my unstable

Mind

Breaks

 

I can’t wait

I want it to be now

I want to leave

 

I’m dead inside,

So why don’t I just

Finish the job?

 

That sounds

Wonderful.

 

I wonder

Who will be the first

One to find my

Body?

 

My dad?

Brother?

Sister?

Will it be

My mother?

The one who

Trapped me in here

In the first place?

 

They might

Be devastated,

But I’ll have found

My peace.

 

My friends

Will mourn,

But they’ll move on.

They can find other friends.

In time,

They’ll move on.

 

And I’ll be left,

Ashes scattered

Across barren land,

Finally at peace

Within.

 

I’ll be free.

I’ll float,

Without my cage

To hinder me.

 

I’m saying goodbye.

I’ll miss you,

But this is what best.

 

I’m sorry,

But I can’t keep living in this

Cage.

 

I’ve tried to escape before,

And I don’t know what’s stopped me

I won’t be stopped again.

I’m leaving.

 

I’ve tried

Cutting my way out

Of this cage,

But it didn’t work.

I have scars,

But it’s worth it

To feel the pain

Instead of emptiness.

 

The emptiness of

My cage.

 

I would ask

To be saved,

But I want this

Not a savior.

 

I want the death

The peace that

Comes after.

 

All I have to do is

Stop breathing.

I won’t be unstable anymore.

I’ll be gone.

 

I’ll be gone.

I’m leaving.

Goodbye,

Friends,

Family,

I’ll miss you.

 

But I’m just

To

Unstable.

 

 

~ Stick 2-7-24

 

Spoiler

I’m Sorry 

 

Dear friend,

I’m so, so sorry.

I’m sorry about last night.

 

I’m sorry for the things I did,

I’m sorry for the way I acted.

I’m sorry for the way that I am.

 

I’m sorry for my poor decisions

After,

I’m sorry for causing you

Pain as well.

 

I’m sorry for ruining

What you gave me.

I’m sorry for

So many things.

 

I’m sorry

For the blood

On your

Sweatshirt.

 

I’m sorry.

 

~ Stick 2-8-25

 

Spoiler

Scratches 

 

They are

Only scratches.

Nothing more.

 

They scar,

They bleed,

They hurt.

But they

Are only

Scratches.

 

And yet,

I want them to

Be more than

Just scratches.

 

I’m tired of scratches.

I’m tired of drips

Of blood.

 

I want wounds.

I want a river of

Blood.

I want it all to

Go away,

At the point of this

Knife.

 

I can picture it,

I can start,

But I can’t finish.

I always fail.

 

I always fail.

 

I want to

Add more scratches.

Maybe,

If I get enough,

I’ll finally die.

 

Death by scratches.

 

~ Stick 1-8-24

 

Spoiler

Still Here 

 

 

I’m still here

I tried not

To

Be

But I’m still

Here.

 

Last night was

Just so hard

I

Acted

But I’m still

Here.

 

I hate everything

I don’t want

To

Live

But I’m still

Here.

 

I don’t know

Why I’m alive

I

Tried

But I’m still

Here.

 

Why am I

On this earth

No

Purpose

But I’m still

Here.

 

I’m still here

Because I can’t

Leave.

 

~ Stick 2-9-24

 

Spoiler

Miracle

 

 

I awoke and saw a bright,

Yellow flower, sitting alone

On my dresser.

 

It was, and is, such a simple thing…

A yellow flower. A spark in the darkness.

A flame, ready to grow.

 

But I saw it as so much more.

I saw it as a promise. A miracle.

This long, dark, depressing winter

Can only last so long before Spring

Makes her appearance.

 

It was a symbol of hope, of light, of an ending

To the dark.

 Spring.

My heart laughs with joy

At the thought.

Warmth, sunshine, new life.

 

So different from the cold, hard,

Angry form of Winter, who has tried

So many times to trap me in his cold,

Sad, scary, embrace.

But I will soon escape.

 

The darkness, the cold, the fear,

The depression, the anger, the emptiness,

The loneliness, the sadness, the tears…

 

 

They all make up the winter,

The winter that I will soon escape from.

With the help

Of my tiny

Miracle. 

 

My little flower…

I think of her as my friend now,

One who is helping to 

See me through the dark days,

One who is promising light,

And with the light, comes life,

Comes new ideas,

New hope, new purpose, new plans,

 

What started this?

A tiny, yellow flower…

One who has become my friend,

One who, at her passing,

Will shrivel, and die.

But my hope does not die with her.

Nay, it springs afresh with each of her siblings.

A fresh miracle, one for me to enjoy,

Until hope comes to

The outside world.

 

Until the Miracle of Spring

Is upon us. 

 

~ Stick 2-22-24

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Rest

 

 

What is rest?

Really?

I think about

Trying to find it

Seems pretty

Damn hard

It is

A feeling

Of safety

Home

Comfort

A place where some go

A place I can’t go

Can’t find

Can’t remember

Was I ever there?

It feels safe?

What is safe?

I am not

Safe

To myself

To others

Why?

Am I so

Different?

Nobody

Struggles

Like I

Do.

Lies.

What is a lie?

A messed up truth?

Are humans all lies?

We are corrupt

People

Lies

Things will change

Get worse

Always

No rest

Ever

For me

And

What would I do?

If I could rest?

Dream?

No-

Dreams die

They always

Die

I burry

My dreams

My feelings

My thoughts

My only

Salvation

Is

Words

Expressions

Emotions

Transmitted

Through writing

To help

Hurt

Kill

Die

Destroy and

Leave desolation

Behind them

But-

If it’s unburied

Will they help?

Is there someone

Out there

Like me?

Someone who

Cares

Loves

Carries pain

And sorrow

And hopelessness?

Someone who just can’t die

But who wants to

End it all

Right now

Enter into

Oblivion

Light?

Or dark?

Peace?

Or fear?

I won’t know till

I get there

That could be soon

Who knows how soon

I could find rest

But would it really be rest?

Soon

What is soon?

But a whispered

False promise

Of something

that will never come

Or is it something that will

Come?

That will come

Soon

Soon

What will happen soon?

Will my life end?

Will it continue?

What do I want?

What do I need?

These are questions

I cannot

Answer

I am drowning

In these

Questions

Feelings

Thoughts

Questions of why

Feelings of emptiness

Thoughts of death

Darkness

Relief

But not rest

Will I ever

Rest?

Will I be pulled from

The emptiness?

Rescued?

Or will it

Slowly

Take my breath

Poison

My heart

My soul

My mind?

Will my life finally

End

In

Rest?

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

Stars

 

The tears slide

Down my face

They sting my eyes

Make them red

They leave trails

Of dark and

Silver

Down to my chin

Where they drip

Onto my blanket

Leaving little wet

Gray

Puddles

 

I sit here

And let them

Fall

And drip

And travel towards

The other puddles

Where they join

Together

And make

Bigger spots

On my lap

On my blanket

 

I don’t even

Bother to wipe them

Away

There is no point

They will be followed

By others

 

I sit here and

Cry

Breath catching

In my throat

And hitching

In my lungs

I have so much

To mourn

And so many tears

Stored up

 

They won’t come

All at once

But over the course of

Of however long

It takes

To get relief

From this

Well of

Pressure deep

Down inside

 

They slide

And leak

And pour

From my heart

They hurt

But pain brings

Healing

 

Once I have

Cried all of

Today’s tears

I gently

Remove the

Streaks down

My face

Left by the tears

I wash it all away

Warm water

Soft rag

Quiet lights

Peaceful music

Crumpled tissues

 

The sniffles

Subside

And disappear

But my eyes

Are still red

They still sting

Still mirror

The hurt inside

That won’t come

Out today

 

I just have to

Wait for them

And hope

That it’s a

Good time

To let the tears

Go freely

Down my face

And start everything

All over again

 

I don’t know

How to process

The emotions

And the tears

Don’t always come

They don’t always

Make me feel

Better

They don’t always

Cleanse me

 

But I still

Try to cry

I make myself

Cry

It hurts

But sometimes

I need

The pain

 

The pain that

Will maybe

Bring healing

Someday

 

The tears are my

Stars

Glowing softly

In the dark

Shining

And

Traveling

Down my

Face

 

 

~ Stick 2-25-24

 

Spoiler

I Wish

 

I wish I was as strong as Dalinar

I wish I was as brave as Kaladin

I wish I was as smart as Navani

I wish I was as pretty as Shallan

I wish I was as in love as Adolin

I wish I was as mature as Jasnah

I wish I was as likable as Lopen

I wish I was as kind as Hesina

I wish I was as awesome as Lift

I wish I was as funny as Rock

I wish I was as loyal as Teft

I wish I was as confident as Veil

I wish I was as bubbly as Syl

I wish I was as happy as Gawx

I wish I was as gentle as Lirin

I wish I had as much purpose as Venli

I just wish… I was different.

 

~ Stick 2-28-24

 

Okay, formatting is a bit messed up, I'll fix it at some point and post the other 20+ poems too.

~ Stick

It's not letting me edit, so it'll prolly merge  

Spoiler

60 Degree

Summer

 

 

I’m staring out the window

Longing for summer to 

Come.

 

 I’m longing for the bright

Hazy days of my

 Childhood.

 

I’m wishing for the simplicity

Of practically living outside

 All summer.

 

The running barefoot through the

Tall grass in the evenings

With my siblings.

 

Playing all the games with my dad,

That old swing I stayed on for

Hours at a time.

 

The trips to the beach, waves rushing

Up around my ankles, the breeze,

Playing in the sand.

 

Times were so simple,

So pleasant;

Summer. 

 

Now, it’s still winter, still cold,

Still dreary and dark,

Dark and unfamiliar. 

 

I sat outside in 60 degree weather

Missing summer so much

That I cried.

 

 

Those tears felt so cold,

So sad and 

Lonely. 

 

I’m hoping that I can just

Hang on until

Summer.

 

Until school lets out, when everything

Is warm and bright and green

All over again.

 

Until then, I’ll cling tightly

To my only hope,

My 60 degree summer.

 

~ Stick 2-11-24

 

Spoiler

Crippling Depression

 

I stare at the ceiling,

Unmoving.

My mind

Feels numb.

I don’t even

Blink my eyes.

 

My body tingles,

My hands shake,

I’m cold all over.

But the real

Chill is

Inside.

 

I feel frozen in place,

Stuck in a

Cold, mental

Mud.

 

My eyes water and a

Single tear

Rolls

Down my

Cheek.

 

I can’t even move to

Wipe it away.

It feels warm,

Then cold,

Traveling down,

To drip into my

Ear.

 

I blink once

And it brings more

Tears.

 

They sting my eyes

As they fall.

I am being consumed

By this empty feeling.

 

By the immense loneliness

That finds me

So often these days.

 

I can’t get warm.

I can hardly

Move my chest

Up and

Down

To breathe.

 

The emptiness

Is joined by

The massive

Weight

Of self hatred.

 

I can feel my

Heart

Breaking,

Even as it

Beats.

 

My eyes go

Unfocused,

Lights blurry.

 

The world is softer

That way,

Everything looks

Like clouds.

 

Clouds that

I can sink into,

Sink into

Unmoving,

Wrapped in the

Cold misty

Blanket.

 

I’m shaking harder now,

I can hardly feel it.

I can’t see it.

I try to

Wiggle my

Fingers,

But it’s too hard.

 

I am faintly aware

Of a sensation

Of drifting.

 

Have I joined the

Clouds?

Is that what I am now?

Cold and damp,

Floating away,

To some other

Place?

 

Twenty-three days

I whisper in my mind,

It’s too long.

I can’t

Wait that

Long.

 

I’m drifting.

 

D r i f t i n g…

 

D

R

I

F

T

I

N

G

 

 

 

~ Stick 3-21-24

 

Spoiler

Hiding

 

This is my instinct

In a bad

Situation

I have to hide

No body wants to see

Me

So I hide

 

I feel safe

When I hide

 

I feel lonely

When I hide

 

And yet

I keep

Going

Back

To

My

Hiding

 

I press against the wall

Smash myself into the corner

On the floor

 

“Go unnoticed.”

“Make yourself small.”

“Put up your hood.”

“Nobody wants to see you.”

 

I have to hide

Right?

 

This is normal

Right?

 

I talk to the voices

The people who aren’t there

 

I hold the

Invisible hand

But it feels real

I can feel it

But no one

Else

Can

 

I’m not normal

So I Hide

 

I hide

 

I hide

Because

I have

To

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Reserved for a really special poem that I can't post yet  

 

Spoiler

Thoughts

 

My mind

It races

As fast

As it can

 

It jumps from

Topic to

Topic

But only stays on one

 

The thought,

Always somewhere in my head

 

“Kill yourself, you’re better off dead.”

 

I try not to entertain this fantasy

That I have,

 

But it is taking over.

 

My broken brain thinks

Deep down

That everything is better

If we die.

 

What is there to live for?

The Shadow cares about nothing.

 

These thoughts

Will one day

Be the death of me.

 

Welcome to the funeral.

She was killed

By

Her

Own

Thoughts.

 

~ Stick 1-17-24

 

Spoiler

Okay

 

I am not okay.

I have tried so hard

To be okay.

 

For my family.

For my friends.

For the people who need me.

 

But no more.

I don’t have

To be okay.

 

I will heal.

One day, I will be

Okay.

 

But that is not today.

That might not be tomorrow.

Or next week.

 

I admit it.

I’m not “fine”

I’m not “good”

I am broken

But

In the process

Of healing.

 

I am

Perfectly

Imperfect.

 

That is okay,

Even if

I’m not.

 

And that is okay.

I’ll get there,

One day.

 

One day,

I will

Be okay.

 

~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Why Can’t We Fix This?

 

I’m a tiny little worm.

I crawl through the dirt, just living,

Just doing as I was

Created to do.

 

I poke my tiny head

Out

Of the dirt.

I wiggle further,

Further…

 

Splat!

I hit something hard.

What is it?

I can’t see it, for,

I don’t have eyes.

 

I try to push through it

To no avail!

I try to go around it

But I can’t escape.

I can’t eat it,

I can’t get out of it.

 

I am trapped!

 

Over the next while,

It becomes hot.

Very hot.

I can feel the sun, and I try

To squirm away,

But the sun burns me!

 

It’s hot, so very hot

I’m drying out,

The heat-

 

 

 

 

I am a squirrel.

I bounce, too and fro,

Collecting food and saving

It away for

Winter.

 

My purpose.

 

I see something on the ground!

It’s shiny.

I creep closer, trying to see…

It smells good!

I take a small bite of it.

It’s slippery, crinkly, and doesn’t

Taste like anything I’ve

Ever eaten.

 

A sound comes from

The hill above me.

I smell human.

I bound up the nearest

Tree,

Perching where I can see…

 

The human throws

Something down the hill.

Something shiny, roundish,

Clear- like water, like ice?

 

The thing hits a rock

And… shatters?

Little bits go flying

Everywhere,

Then, the human

Leaves.

 

I wait for a long time,

Unmoving.

Then, I

Creep

Down

The tree,

Scurry over

To one of the

Pieces.

 

I sniff at it,

But it doesn’t move.

It’s so shiny…

I reach my paw forward…

 

A stick somewhere

Behind me,

Cracks suddenly!

 

I jump at the sound,

My paw, comes down on

The shard of the thing-

It goes right through

My paw!

I squeak in pain

And fright,

Bounding up the nearest

Tree!

 

The thing, now stuck

Deep into my paw,

Comes with me.

 

I look down at the

Bark of the tree

In which I cling.

It is spattered with blood.

I can smell it.

 

It’s my blood.

 

I try to climb higher

In the tree,

Limping

All the way.

 

When I feel I’m safe

Enough,

I examine my paw.

The pain is excruciating,

My blood continues to leak from

Torn skin and matted fur.

 

I can still feel the thing

Inside.

It seems to be

Gouging

Deeper.

 

After trying,

With no luck,

For some time

To get

The thing out

Of my paw,

I start to feel

Sleepy.

 

My paw starts to feel

Numb, my head

Feels

Light…

 

I have to find my nest,

Just to

Take

A small

Sleep…

 

 

I am a deer.

I’m trotting over my patch of

Woods,

My head held

High, my eight

Antler points

Displayed proudly.

 

I am at the top of a small rise,

The strange rock I’m standing

On is interlaced

With strange,

Metallic-smelling bars.

It makes me uneasy, for some

Reason.

 

It’s going to be fine.

Of course it will be.

 

I take one

Step

Closer to the edge,

Ears alert for

Any sign of

Danger.

 

My ears could

Never have warned me

Of what happened

Next.

 

The footing under

My front hooves

Suddenly collapses,

Tumbling me over the edge!

 

But my rear legs become

Tangled in those

Strange metallic

Bars, snagging me painfully.

 

I’m suspended,

Upside down,

Three deerlengths above

The rocky ground.

 

The bars are hard and solid,

Digging into my slender

Legs,

Cutting them deeply.

 

If only I had know

What sharp edges

They had!

 

I’m kicking

Frantically,

Trying to break free,

Trying to escape the pain

The horror of being so

Precariously high!

 

A sound rises in my throat,

Tears out my mouth before

I can stop it.

 

Whether from pain

Or fear, I can’t tell.

 

I bawl again, continuing to kick

For a long while.

 

I’m getting so

Tired.

 

I stop struggling, feeling

The weight of

My body

Pressing

Down on my

Lungs,

Blood rushing

To my head.

 

My vision is

Turning red,

Clouded by the blood

In my skull.

 

My breath comes in pants.

 

Everything hurts.

 

I have no more strength.

 

I’m bleeding…

 

Bleeding….

 

 

I’m a person,

A young person.

I’m waking through the woods,

Beside the river.

 

I’m disgusted!

There is so much trash!

I can’t take a single step

Without glass

Crunching

Beneath my shoes.

 

Plastic and metal protrude from

The surrounding leaf-litter.

A small bird hops over a half

Buried soda can,

Another perches on

A beer bottle.

 

Tiny, sickly plants attempt

To grow around a deflated

Plastic pool float.

 

Everywhere, there are glass shards,

Beer bottles,

Smashed cans,

Broken containers,

Shattered jars,

Dirt and rust,

Filth and chemicals.

 

Old tires and plastic toys

Scattered between

Dying, hole-filled, blackened

Trees.

 

Concrete stairs,

Cinder blocks,

Concrete pads and

An entire cliff,

Twisted, sharp, metal

Saluting the dead tree branches

Above.

 

I walk- slide, more like-

Down the steep hill, to the

Bottom of the cliff.

 

I kick aside leaves,

Sticks, rotting wood,

Cans, glass, bottles,

Underneath…

There lies an old

Deer skull.

An eight point buck.

 

I pick up the skull.

It’s white, bleached,

It no longer smells.

 

I shake my head,

Trying to imagine what

Might have

Killed the poor

Thing.

 

I look around the dying woods, down to the murky, nasty,

Water

Below.

 

Is there any hope for this land?

Can it ever be

Returned to what

It was created to be?

Can we reconcile all

That was lost?

Can we restart the

Ecosystem?

Diversify the flora

And fauna

As it once was?

 

I don’t know.

I’m but one teenager.

What can I do?

 

I think about it,

Sweat trickling

Down the back of my neck.

The gnats swarming my arms.

 

I need to start back soon,

Go back to the clean,

Bright cottage.

 

I have a beautiful place to

Stay, here,

But the animals?

The permanent residents?

Those defenseless against

Pollution?

 

Their woods-

Where they have been since

Day four

Of creation-

Is now full

Of things they can’t

Stand against,

Things they had no part

In making!

Things that only

Desecrate their habitats,

But help us so that

We can do less work,

At the expense of the

Ecosystem,

At the expense of that which

Enables us to live at all.

 

Their woods seem to

No longer be

Their woods.

 

Why can we not fix this?

 

Take care of all this

Pollution,

Take care of our farms,

In turn, our health,

The health of

Our children,

Grandchildren,

Yes, great grandchildren!

 

Why can’t we

Stop

Fighting out wars,

Our petty squabbles over

Land-

Land that is slowly

Disappearing.

 

Why don’t we take care

Of this wonderful gift

God has blessed us with?

 

Why can’t we fix this?

 

~ Stick 4-16-24

 

Spoiler

Pain

 

It hurts.

I feel like my heart

Was torn out of my chest.

Was twisted and squeezed,

Bruised and cut.

 

It wasn’t returned to me either.

I think I’m dying.

 

I didn’t know anything

Could hurt this bad.

 

The tears, as many as there are

Are still inadequate to

Capture this anguish.

 

It hurts.

It’s like no other pain

I’ve ever felt.

 

I can’t move under the weight

Of my sorrow.

I can’t breathe.

Do I even want to?

 

I can do nothing

But lie here

In the dark,

Alone.

 

Staring up at my ceiling,

Sobbing the battered

Remains of my

Heart out.

 

I’m dying.

I can feel the life

Ebbing away from my

Cold, shaking body.

 

The breath in my lungs

Rattles back and forth.

 

I am dying.

I can’t survive this.

It hurts to much.

 

Pain.

Can’t anymore.

Dying.

 

~ Stick 4-22-24

 

Spoiler

Confusion

 

I don’t know what happened.

I don’t know what

I did wrong.

I don’t know how

To make it better.

 

What did I do wrong?

 

I know it’s my fault.

It normally is.

But I just wish…

I wish I could make it right,

Fix things,

Go back to normal.

 

I wish I knew what

I did wrong.

 

I’m so confused.

 

My brain runs is circles,

Chasing its tail.

 

What did I do?

Can I fix it?

How do I fix it

If I don’t know what

Happened?

If I don’t know what

I did to deserve this.

 

Circles,

Round and

Round,

Over and

Over.

 

Confusion.

 

Buzzing thoughts.

Painful thoughts.

Beating against the

Inside of my

Skull.

 

This is my

Punishment

For what I did wrong,

I suppose.

 

If its my punishment,

Then I deserve it.

It was, after all,

My fault.

 

It’s painful.

It cuts.

But I do deserve the pain.

 

Such is the

Price of

Confusion.

 

~ Stick 4-23-24

 

 

 

Spoiler

Exploring

 

“Let’s go exploring!”

They say, grabbing your hand

And dragging you along.

“Okay?” You- we are confused.

Why do we need to explore?

Oh right.

To find the problems.

 

“Tell me everything.” They say.

We can’t refuse them, so we start

Talking.

We talk

And

Talk,

Using up

Our words,

Sapping away

Our energy,

Emotions and

Everything

Else.

 

“Deeper! Dig deeper! We are

Exploring.”

Can we go much deeper

Before our tunnel

Collapses?

I guess we are going to

Find out,

Aren’t we.

Explore every

Lie,

Every doubt,

Every dank

Dark

Corner

Of this place.

We’ll see how soon

The tunnel

Collapses, shutting

Everyone

And everything

Out.

Then there would be

No more exploring.

No more digging,

No more pain.

 

“Tell me about this part?”

We don’t want to talk

About that.

But we do.

We open our mouth and

Use more

Useless

Words.

 

Useless words that

Hold nothing for us

Anymore.

We still write, yes.

But does it mean anything?

Full of words,

Exploring through words.

 

Going deeper through words.

Explaining what

Nobody else can

Ever understand

Through

Words.

 

They seem so empty,

So

Inadequate.

 

Fragile and

Fickle,

Slippery,

Hard to

Straighten

Into a line

That they

Will understand.

 

If they don’t understand,

Then they- we, I guess-

Need to explore deeper.

Closer to collapse.

 

We are so tired.

 

“Let’s explore more!”

So we do.

 

Stuck exploring what

Should have been

Left alone.

 

~ Stick 4-23-24

 

Spoiler

Flowers in Fire

 

Little

Purple

Flowers.

 

Violets.

Fresh,

Innocent,

Beautiful and

Harmless.

 

Pluck them

Out of

The

Dirt from

Whence they

Grew.

 

Arrange them,

Add leaves,

Texture,

Grasses.

 

Behold your

Creation; beautiful,

Nearly

Perfect.

 

Adjust it

Slightly,

A tiny leaf

Here,

Another flower

There.

 

Let the sun

Catch it

And play through

The foliage.

 

Take a tiny

Step back.

Admire.

 

Show off,

Receive compliments,

Feel happy.

 

Feelings fade,

Feel empty.

Look down…

 

You thought it

Was beautiful.

But it now

Seems to

Perfect for you.

 

You grasp them

Tightly,

Crushing the

Tender young

Stems.

You don’t care

Anymore.

 

You are angry,

But don’t know why.

They are just flowers.

And yet…

 

You take your

Masterful,

Tiny

Bouquet,

And lay it gently

Into the

Pile of burning

Wood.

 

You watch the

Smoke rise,

The flame

Stroke the

Edges.

Watch the tiny

Leaves and

Flowers

Shrivel.

Turn black

And

Die.

 

Dead in the ashes.

 

Such is the

Result

Of flowers

In fire.

 

~ Stick 4-24-24

 

 

“The flowers

Are burnt

Shriveled

Dead

But not gone

 

Seeds

Pop in the fire

And memories

Of all

That they were

 

Little

Purple violets

Beautiful

Despite

Being dead

 

Little

Hopeful flowers

Will someday grow

From the ashes”

 

~ @Edema Rue in response

 

Spoiler

Head Down

 

Look at the floor.

Become invisible.

Observe only

The ground beneath

You.

 

They don’t

Want you staring.

 

They don’t

Want to see

You.

 

You need to

Fix your eyes

On the dust

From whence

You came.

 

After all,

It’s where you

Belong.

 

Don’t look up,

Don’t ask questions,

Become the one

Who can be

Ignored.

 

They don’t want

You here.

 

Keep

Looking down.

Down is safer.

Down is where

You won’t get

Hurt.

 

Where you won’t get

Yelled at.

 

Where you’re

Safest.

 

Just look

Down.

 

Bow your head

Pretend to be

Busy.

Pretend you

Are too

Lowly to

Look upon

The faces of

Others.

 

Avoid their eyes.

Look at their shoes.

Look at your shoes.

Head down.

 

Always head

Down.

 

~ Stick 4-25-24

 

Spoiler

Outside Looking In

 

Standing there

Looking through

The glass

At the happy gathering

On the other

Side

 

Wondering

Hoping

That one

Day

We’ll be

Let in

 

We’re so tired

Of being on the

Outside

 

We aren’t allowed

To play their games

To ask the questions

To be like them

 

We are on the

Outside

 

We can see

But we can never

Be apart

 

That isn’t who we are

We aren’t included

We don’t belong

 

It’s just us

Me and you

Alone in our

Head

 

Unable to escape

Unable to join in

Unwilling to stop

Trying to fit

 

Sometimes

We catch a

Glimpse

Of the inside

A tiny snippet

Of their world

Of who they are

 

Sometimes

 

But then

We are too weird

To messed up

The outcast

Once more

 

Stuck inside

Talking to each other

But nobody

Wants to be friends

With the girl

Who talks to

Herself

 

She belongs on the outside

We are on the outside

Just trying

To be

Let in

 

~ Stick 4-25-24

 

Spoiler

Mental Picture

 

I’m imagining

Somewhere quiet,

Peaceful.

 

I’m whisking myself away ,

Creating a mental picture.

 

I can go anywhere,

For imagination has

No limits.

 

I’m ignoring the

Noises.

The hustle and

Bustle of

A crowed

Restaurant.

 

I’m ignoring

The dizziness

Ignoring the headache.

 

Trying not

To focus on

The banging

Clanging

Voices

Can’t breathe-

 

Heart racing

Mind numbing

Tunnel vision

 

Blinking back

The black spots

 

People behind me

Reaching for

Knives

Kill my family

 

Can’t breathe-

Swirling

Always swirling

Not hungry

Have to escape

 

Run

Hide

Disappear

 

Feel hot and cold

Flushed

Dizzy

 

Good thing

I’m sitting

Down

Or i might

Pass out

 

Watch

Buzzes

Heart rate

To fast

 

Can’t slow down

Racing

My mind

Have to

Pay

Attention to

The children

Need me

Can’t not be okay

For them

 

Calling my name

Snap out

Play their games

Sit on shaking

Hands

 

Mental picture

Dissipates

Fading

Popping into

Dark swirling

Mist.

 

No escape

Not yet

Chest feels

Tight

Legs shake

Can’t breathe

Trying not to

Hyperventilate

Hot

Hot hot hot

 

Take a sip of

Water

The burns my

Tongue with

Cold

But does nothing

To rid of the

Internal heat

And pressure

 

Can’t find

My mental picture.

It’s gone.

 

~ Stick 4-26-24

 

Spoiler

Little Sisters

 

Running, jumping,

Screaming

 

Makeup and dress up,

Stuffed animals and

Henna,

Playing games,

Out for dinner

 

Tic-tac-toe,

Drawing with crayons,

Fry-eating contests

 

Piggyback rides,

Belting contests,

The Greatest Showman

 

Tiny sticky fingers,

Capturing your own,

Tugging you along,

Back to the land

Of princess, of house

Of school-

 

Looking up at you

Bright grey-blue eyes,

Through them,

You can do no wrong

 

“I love you.”

A quiet whisper

During movie time

On the couch.

 

Words that shoot

Through your veins,

Straight to the heart,

Warming you through and

Through, even as they scoot closer.

 

“You’re so good at everything!”

“Can you teach me?”

“You’re so smart!”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Can you put henna on me

Pleeeease?”

“Can we make bracelets?”

“Can you carry me?”

“You’re so strong!”

“Look what I made you!

It’s special, just for

You!”

 

Tiny sisters,

So young,

Sweet,

Innocent.

My beautiful sisters,

Unrelated to me,

But mine all the same.

 

~ Stick 4-28-24

 

 

 

(more later)