Jump to content

Stick's Poems (only)


Recommended Posts

So, I'm going to find all of my poems from everywhere and put them all in one place for your convenience.

I'll try to get them in the order they were written, so that the further you read, the better they get? (in theory)

The first one I wrote:

Spoiler

When Life Falls Apart

 

I Won't ever

Understand

Why

So much suffering

Is on Earth.

We try To make

The best of it;

Fix our circumstances,

But we fail.

We fall. Fall.

A deep, dark pit Yawns before us.

At the bottom,

There is no light, No upward path.

Just memories, sorrow, pain.

Regrets, choices, ghosts.

The way we act

When Life falls apart. It leaves wounds.

We bleed.

Our souls die.

No hope.

And yet.

There is hope.

Somewhere in the darkness.

Huddled, like a child;

Afraid. Afraid of what was lost.

Afraid of what could be found.

Afraid of Life.

Afraid of Death.

Afraid to dream again.

To start over.

To build up.

But we know that we must.

Start over.

Adopt Hope.

Begin living again.

Fight our way.

Out of the dark.

The hole.

The emptiness.

Others help us climb.

Through the pain.

The misery. And when we stumble, they help with our burdens.

We build again.

Build strength.

Stamina.

Resilience.

We grow our hope, In our hearts.

As we get closer,

To the light, Hope spreads;

Vining outward.

Ever upward.

To the light.

To peace.

To living again. We take the pieces of our lives;

Once scattered,

Across the barren wastelands

Of despair.

And put them back together.

Little by little.

Until the pain is gone.

Healed.

~ Stick 11-14-23

As far as I know, that's the first? I'm not sure if the date is exactly right, but it's as close as possible.

And now I'll just keep going, one per box :) Note: A few don't have dates :P 

Spoiler

Abandoned 

 
 
Lost
Forgotten
Alone
Did I ever make a difference?
Do people care?
Does God see?
Why
Why do they wonder?
What is it like to be me?
The lies
So believable
Where are you?
When these feelings take over?
When it takes so much effort just to keep breathing?
When the fear is crippling?
When I am falling apart?
Body,
Mind,
Spirit,
Toppling over.
 
The wind is strong.
So strong.
I can feel it,
Tipping me toward decisions.
Regrets.
Why do we live?
For purpose?
What is that purpose?
Oh God, where are you?
In my hour of need?
In a matter of life and death?
My life?
My death?
When I need you!
With every fiber of my being
I know, somewhere inside,
That you hold me.
But
Why can I not feel those hands now?
 
Rest.
What is rest?
Why am I a stranger to so much?
Do my words mean anything?
I toss them up!
Toward you!
Do you hear?
They ricochet endlessly off the ceiling.
Bounce back into my face.
Why? Oh Lord?
Why me?
Did you choose,
When I was made,
To give me these burdens?
 
So heavy.
I strain under the weight of them,
Crying out for rest!
For help!
All the time, 
Wondering.
Wondering
Why,
Wondering when
This load will be lifted
If it even will.
Ever. 
 
I feel hopeless.
Abandoned
Dead inside
Wanting the deadness to consume me
What stops me?
From ending it all?
Facing eternity?
Killing my dreams
My plans
My hope
Myself
Empty.
 
Why am I here?
You say you have plans for me?
Prove it!
I bleed!
   In spirit
    In mind
     In body
Do you see?
Do you see the suffering?
Why is this called life?
Is there any hope at all?
I am dying!
And yet
You seem to do nothing!
Why?
 
Lord.
I fall.
Have fallen.
Will continue to fall.
Forever.
Will I be caught?
In anything other than this storm?
Emotions
Pain
Heartache
They swirl inside of me,
Beating against my very soul
Among them all,
The question remains,
Unanswered
Abandoned
Forgotten
Why?
 
You made us;
So fragile!
We break.
Hurt. 
Die.
And you!
Up where it is safe!
Look on and do nothing!?
Why are we like this?
What is the plan?
Why have you hidden from us?
 
I have dreams.
Nightmares
I am haunted
Creatures lurk
Skitter
Creep
Through the shadows in my soul
There is no escape
Death lives here
In my heart
But
I am still breathing
If only
If only I wasn’t-
These are the thoughts
The thoughts killing me-
Or am I killing myself?
Everything is dark
Cold
Scary
Why?
 
 
 
What kind of life is this?
Would it be better not to live at all?
Who understands?
Not my family!
Not my friends!
Not you!
Tell me, God!
Where are you?
When Hell has come to earth?
When I want to-
Feel as if I need to-
Die
Escape 
Fade away
Forever
 
Would anyone really notice?
If I was gone-
One instant-
One decision-
One jump-
One stab-
One life-
Gone
What if?
Who would care?
Who would weep?
If I
Was
Gone.
Forever.
 
Can I continue to bear this?
Like I have for so long?
If I just collapse?
The strain is too much! 
I am weak!
Alone.
 
You say that you are always with me?
Then where?
Where are you?!
What must I do to feel your presence?
Empty.
Alone.
Abandoned.

 

Spoiler

Sleep

 
 
What
Is sleep
But a
Distant
Memory
Of something
I once
Had?
Why?
God, you have
Taken this from
Me
Why?
Is it
Better this way?
No sleep, no nightmares
Right?
I wander
Alone
Forgotten
But
If not forgotten
What have I been
Remembered
For?
Legacy
What is a Legacy?
Do I have a legacy?
Does anyone care?
Who would really miss me?
I could
Take
The
Rope
The Knife
The jump
The poison
I would bleed
I would die
Cease to exist
Be away
From the pain
From the past
From the present
I would
Sleep
For eternity
Sleep
No one
Would notice
I would
Be gone
Like I never happened
Sounds
Like bliss
All I would have to do
Is
Sleep

 

Spoiler

Lost

 
I stumble
Down a
Long
Endless
Passageway
Never seeing the end
 
It is dark
So dark
Cold
Lonely
I know a way
To leave
Forever
To never go back
Or forward
To escape
But I am lost
I have no cliff high enough
No Knife sharp enough
No rope thick enough
No will strong enough
 
This is a different kind of death
I am dead
Inside
There is nothing to live for, so I am dead
I feel dead
Act dead
Wish to be dead
If I just-
But no,
I will not-
Or, cannot
 
I stumble 
Endlessly
 Down these trails
Of thought
I circulate
Over 
And
Over
A never ending cycle
Dead to the world.
Dead to myself.
Lost
Lost
Lost
Forever.
 
Escape?
What would I know of this?
It haunts me
Looms over
My head
Shadow
A false
Promise
That
Never
Will come
True
 
The darkness
It consumes 
Me
Have I embraced it?
Why does it dwell
Inside 
Me?
 
What is light?
What is peace?
Joy?
Laughter?
When
When was the last time?
I was truly 
Happy?
 
God,
I feel 
Numb
Empty
Lost
Am I still
Your child?
Too lost
To find
Those
Hands
That hold
Me
The world
The broken
Pieces
Of life
As we know it 
Scattered
Left
For dead
In your 
Palm
Are you not
Strong?
Loving?
Present?
 
Then why?
Why can
We not feel you?
Why can I 
Not feel you?
You are there?
Then why
Why can’t
Just
Believe?
Trust?
Rest?
 
Your arms
Hold me
Tighter
They
Catch
Me
When
Fall
I fall
So often 
I fall
The meaning of life
It escapes me
Will you?
Let me see?
Open my blind eyes?
Rescue me?
So that
Am
No longer
Lost?
 
I
I want
To make 
A difference
In the world
In my life
In the lives of
Others
Who might-
Just might
Remember me
 If I survive the fall
If I get found
If I can finally
See
The 
World
Again
Untainted
Like a child
Again
 
Was I
Once so young?
Innocent?
Without burdens?
Without this load that I carry 
Everywhere?
 
It is bound
With unbreakable
Chains
To my back
Shoulders
Heart
Will I ever be truly
Free?
Found?
Loved?
 
Freedom
What is freedom?
Able to choose 
For yourself?
To make mistakes?
And for it to be
All your own fault?
It that the way
Of not taking
Responsibility?
The word
Echoes in 
My head
Wondering
If it
Is good
Or bad
 
 
Found
What is found?
Found is something
I am not
Will never be
Unless
Unless you
Pull me from my darkness
Change me
Inside and out
To be yours again
Like I once was
Like I want to be
Again
 
 
Loved?
I am learning
To love
To accept love
To love You
To be loved by You
It is
A struggle
An uphill climb
A part of life
But
I am learning
There is grace
Maybe,
Someday,
I will
Finally
Be 
Found

 

Spoiler

Tears

 
If your eyes
Are the window to the soul,
What are tears?
 
Raindrops,
Splashing against the glass?
Rolling down the window pane.
Collecting on the ground.
 
Rain is good.
It helps things grow.
Why are tears so bad?
Because we never stop
To think about
What grows from them.
 
When the rain falls,
We can be grateful.
It is washing the world.
When the tears fall,
They cleanse us,
Give us a new perspective,
Let us see without dirty windows.
 
They bring a beautiful,
Rain washed dawn.
They are a part of life.
An essential part.
 
We express ourselves,
Through our tears.
Whether those be happy tears,
Or sad tears.
 
The emotions have to come
Out somehow,
And so, God gave us tears.
A way to cleanse the spirit,
As well as the body.

 

Spoiler

Thank you

 
Thank you.
Thank you for the hugs.
The tears.
The well wishes.
The “get better soon”s 
The thoughts.
The memes.
The stories.
 
Thank you for letting me know.
That you care.
About my existence.
About me.
And whatever is happening in my world.
 
Thank you for checking in .
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for making me cry.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for relating to me.
Thank you for sticking by me. (sorry @Edema Rue for the pun ) *hehe* 
Thank you for PMing me.
Thank you for RPing with me. 
Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for leaving your family to come watch Frozen on the couch.
Thank you for loving me, even though I’m far from perfect.
Thank you for showing that love.
Thank you for being my shardbuddie.
Thank you for reading my writing.
Thank you for commenting on my artwork.
Thank you for making sure I'm ok.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Thank you for just being available. 
Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for the phone calls.
Thank you for the FaceTimes.
Thank you for letting me express myself.
Thank you for being ok with me dumping my problems.
Thank you for helping me sort through them.
Thank you for the times when I'm not ok, and you care.
Thank you for giving me hope.
Thank you for telling me the truth, even when it's hard.
Thank you for catching me.
Thank you for holding my heart.
Thank you for holding my emotions.
Thank you for praying with me.
Thank you for helping. 
 
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!
 
 
Stick
12-21-23

 

Spoiler

Healing

 
 
 
Healing can take
Many months
Or even
Years
 
Healing can take many
Many forms
 
Medicine
Therapy
Prayers
 
 
I
Am healing
From many wounds
Some are physical
But most are not
 
I have wounds
On my heart
In my head
On my arms
Attached to my feelings
 
Some of them
Are healing
But you cannot have
Healing
Without
Scars
 
I have physical scars
Emotional scars
Mental scars
 
The scars don’t heal
They stay
As reminders
Of what you’ve been through
Of where you’re going
Of the rough days
On the hard road
Called
Life
 
I do believe
That some day
We will be healed
The earth will be healed
I will be healed
 
But
Till that day comes
I will remain
Broken
 
Broken
Like the earth
And its inhabitants
And everything else
This side of heaven
 
And one day
Our healing
Will burst through
The clouds
Riding on a
White Horse
Carrying his sword
Which is The Word of God
 
Our blessed Redeemer
Come to save us
Take away our scars
Sins
Pain
And we will
Finally
Get
Healing
 
 
~ Stick 12-24-23
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Words



Words let you express,
Feel,
Understand,
I am learning to use words
To help others

It is my greatest wish
That my words would help,
Someone out there,
Who feels like me.


I cannot promise
That my words will work for you.
Who am I, but the author?

Words help me,
But they might not help you.
That’s alright.
You don’t have to be like me.
You are loved, just as you are.

You have other ways
To express, get relief,
Understand, feel.
But this is my way.
Through words.

~ Stick 12-28-23

 

Spoiler
Breath

 

 

In, out,
Steady, constant,
Always there,
Until it’s not.
 
In silence,
In noise,
In crowds,
We all breathe.
 
Slowly, quietly,
Deeply, loudly,
Quickly, shallowly,
Breath always happens.
 
Keep breathing,
My friends,
In,out
Please keep breathing
 
I know
It hurts,
It’s hard,
But keep breathing
 
You’re strong,
You’re brave,
It’s possible.
Don’t be afraid.
 
Keep breathing
Good job
In, out.
Try it again.
 
In, out,
Count them,
In, out
You’ll make it
 
In, out
In, out
In, out
Are you okay?
 
Need more?
In, out
In, out
It’s getting easier
 
Every time
You’re scared
Keep breathing
Just keep breathing.
 
~Stick 12-28-23

 

Spoiler

Held

 
I want to be held
I want to feel arms around me
I want someone to hug me
And not let me go
 
I want someone to touch me
Rub my back
Play with my hair
Lay next to me
Hold my hand
Kiss my head
Lean on my shoulder
Lay their hands on me
 
Let me know you care
Let me know I’m worth it
Let me know I can still feel
Even through the numbness
And pain
 
Let me see your face
Let me see you hold me
Let me see you smile
 
Please hold me
Don’t let me go
I need the attention
I need to know you care
I need to be held
 
~Stick 12-30-23

 

Spoiler

Tight

 
 
I hold on tight
To my friends
As the pieces of my life
Fall in around me
And are blown away
By a brutal wind
 
I wonder
How long it will take
For friends to leave me
How long?
A day?
A week?
A month?
 
I’m sure they will
All leave
Eventually
It’s only a matter of time
Before I’m
Alone
Again
 
I am
Not safe
Alone
I do not trust myself
Alone
 
When they are gone
What will keep me
From being blown away
By the wind
 
The wind that
Blows me
Toward decisions
Ones that I will
Surely regret
 
My friends
Hold me
Support me
Love me
 
I
Would not be
Alive
Without them
 
Is that a good thing?
If they weren’t here
I would already
Have found
Rest
And peace
 
Instead
I’m still here
In nearly ceaseless
Turmoil
 
I feel as though I
Am drowning
And none can save me
 
I cling
To my words
My writing
To save me
But
Even that has holes
 
I am slowly
Sinking
The light is fading
Darkness is
Creeping
Into my mind
My heart
My chest
My lungs
My essence
 
I
Am
The
Darkness
 
I
Have
Become
The
Darkness
 
I
Have
Been
Consumed
By
Darkness
 
There is nothing left
 
 
~ Stick
12-25-23

 

Spoiler

Captive

 
I am captive
In your love
It is strong like nothing else
I run to you with my fear
My sadness
I am not alone
Your loving arms
Hold me tight
Like nothing and no one else can
My hiding place
My comfort
In you I find my rest
I belong to you
When I look to you I cry
“Abba, Father.”
And you answer
I feel your love
When I can’t feel anything else
You are my port in the storm
My safe space where I can create
Without fear of the brutal world
I am protected
Your spirit is with me always
In my pain
In my distress
My disappointment
You are there
Making all things new
And beautiful
Peaceful
And quiet
Here
Captive in your embrace
 
 
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Monster

 
 
I have a monster,
Clinging to my soul
It lurks
Down in the blackest
Corner of my heart
 
It arises
When it’s not wanted
It tries to consume me
It lies to me
Telling me that I’m not good enough
Or that I’m unlovable
Or messed up
Or weird
Or to depressed for real friends
And I believe it
 
The monster won’t leave
I can’t chase it away
I am powerless to escape
It’s icy claws
It’s hot breath
The wounds it leaves
 
The monster is
Slowly killing me
Slowly controlling my body
And my mind
 
I don’t even want to escape
I embrace the monster,
Even as it cuts me
Even as it controls me
 
I want to bleed
I want to be in pain
I want to die
I want to not exist
 
I don’t know
What I need
What will help
 
But I don’t want help
I just want to die
And bleed
And hurt
 
I want to be eaten
By the monster
I want to be gone
I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself
I want somebody to kill me
 
With a rope
A gun
A knife
Or drowning
 
I can’t keep
Going
With this
Monster
Inside
But
I don’t want
It
To
Leave
 
~ Stick 1-1-24
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Suicidal

 
The thoughts
Lurking
Always there
Ready to
Snatch me away
Break me down
Steal my soul
My breath
My life
 
There is no escape
They follow me
Down the
Tortured
Twisted
Pathways
In my head
They hide
But always
Resurface
And try again
 
They always try again
 
This is me
This is how
It feels
To be
Suicidal
 
I can’t control
My thoughts
My urges
The things
That I think
Need to happen
 
Take the pills”
They whisper to me
I hear the voices
Find the knife
I cannot escape
The rope! Yes!
Use the rope!
I am drowning
I can’t escape
Drowning? Yes! D r o w n.
Escape? No. Never.
If I die
Will my voices
Leave me in peace?
Peace? When have we ever had that?
I don’t know
We never had it. It’s gone, out of reach to us.
But… no. We can find peace!
THE CAR! JUMP IN FRONT!
NOW!
No!
You can’t face the world!
Look at you!
Who wants to see that?
Good… hide under the blankets
No air.
Press them against your face…
Good…. Good girl…
No! I need to stay!
Stay for who? No one wants to see you. Back under the blankets. NOW!
 
I believe the voices
I don’t want to
But
I do
They are taking over
My entire
Life
There is no life for you. End it now.
 
I am
Messed up? Unloved? Stupid? Dis-functional? Outcast? Alone? Unwanted? Better off dead.
Suicidal
 
~ Stick 1-12-24
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

 

Be Thou My Vision





Lord
I need you
Have needed you
Will continue to need you

You
Are my inheritance
My treasure
My vision
Lord of my heart
My protector
The song on my lips
The verse in my soul
Words
Fall
Short

You hold me
My broken pieces
My hurting heart
Even when
I can’t feel you hands
I know
Still you are there
Always

You
Are my Great Father
My Living Hope
My Emmanuel
My Yeshua
My Almighty
My Creator
My Good Shepherd
My Jehovah Jireh

The breath on my face
And in my lungs
My Redeemer
My King

I fall
On my face
Before your
Presence
Too great
For a mere
Mortal to
Stand in

Messiah
Anointed One
Shiloh
Prince of Peace
My Jesus
My vision
My hiding place
My Rock
My shelter
My God
The opener of my eyes
My Vision
Forever
And
Always
Amen.

 

 

Spoiler

Whole

 
We, as people
Are broken.
 
How does one mend
A fractured heart?
A tattered, abused spirit?
A sad, lonely existence.
 
We need something,
Someone,
To fix us,
Make us whole,
New,
Better than before.
 
He has a name,
More wonderful than
All others.
We speak His name
Into the dark,
Into the pain,
Into the awful circumstances.
He is our peace,
Our light,
Our rescue,
Savior,
Redeemer,
Our Lord.
 
His name
Is
Jesus
 
He is with us.
He fights for us.
He understands.
Jesus.
 
The
Only one
Who
Can
Ever
Make
Us
Whole
 
Jesus.
 
~ Stick 12-29-23
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Wounds

 
Mental
Physical
Emotional
Verbal
 
Wounds
Leave
Scars
 
Scars
Are
Signs
 
Of
What
You’ve
Been
Through
 
Of
Where
You’re
Going
 
Wounds
Bleed
And
Hurt
And
Need
Care
Always
 
Wounds
Hurt
And
Scar
And
Look
Ugly
Sad
And
Scary
 
Trauma
Is
A
Wound
 
Depression
Is
A
Wound
 
Anxiety
Is
A
Wound
 
Loneliness
Is
A
Wound
 
Neglect
Is
A
Wound
 
There
Are
Many
Many
Many
Wounds
 
Healing
Cannot
Always
Happen
 
The
Wounds
Don’t
Always
Go
Away
 
The
Scars
Are
Here
For
Good
 
But
They
Might
Become
Less
Visible
With
Time
 
You
Will
Be
Wounded
Again
And
Again
 
It
Is
Unfortunately
A
Part
Of
Life
 
Enjoy
Your
Wounds
And
Hurts
And
Pain
 
Before
The
Scars
Come
To
Consume
You
 
~ Stick 12-29-23
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Story

 
I wish my life
Was a story.
I could make a
Character
To be me.
I could fix her,
Make her perfect,
Happy, loved,
Wanted.
 
I wonder…
How much would I add?
What would I take away?
What would she be like?
Who are her friends?
Who is her family?
What does she like to do?
 
Would she be
Happy?
Would she feel loved?
Does she care about others?
Does she love herself?
Does she
Bear the scars that
I do?
 
Does her mind work?
Is she insane to?
Is she worse off than me?
Does she want to die?
Is she lonely?
 
Is she
Somewhere inside me?
Trapped
By the walls around
My heart?
 
Is she alone?
Did she ever
Find love?
 
Is she watching me
Fail my life?
From somewhere outside?
 
Is she apart of me?
Is she upset at me
For ruining our life?
For making the decisions we did?
For hearing the voices?
The voices that haunt us?
 
What is wrong with her?
Does she feel like I do?
Like a failure?
Or unworthy?
 
Can she write better than me?
Does she have more friends?
Does she love herself?
 
Is she okay, wherever she is?
Is she a mess?
Does she hear voices?
Does she talk to herself?
Do people think she’s crazy?
Does she think she’s crazy?
I think I’m crazy.
 
Does she try to hide?
Her feelings and emotions?
Her scars…
All the bad things-
Or, are there none in her life?
 
Is she happy, wherever she is?
Does she know that
It’s all a story?
 
I wish
I could be
Her
And living in a
Story.
 
~ Stick 1-16-24
 
 

 

Spoiler

Heartbreak

 
I miss my friends
I’m lonely
I want to be held
I want to have my tears
Wiped away
 
The breaking of a heart
Can happen anytime
It can be good
Or it can be bad
 
God can mend our hearts
He can fix our scars
He can piece our lives
together again
 
We just have to
Fling ourselves
Our trust and entire
Being
Into his strong arms
 
Only He can fix
My-
Our
Heartbreak
 
~ Stick 1-15-24

 

Spoiler

Frightened

 
Every sound
Every shadow
Every yell
Every clap
Every laugh
Every scream
The noise
 
The whispers
In my ears
Telling me
To do things
 
The shadows
That only I
Can see
That lurk in the
Corners
Of my mind
 
The people
Who yell
Who scream
Who make the noises
Who fight
And get hurt
Who sometimes
Become the
Shadows
 
I am so frightened
I cannot breathe
My panic
Forces the air
From my body
 
I’m shaking
Yet I feel like I
Can’t move
 
I am weak
I get scared
I am nothing
But
A small child
Who is
Frightened
 
~ Stick 1-17-14

 

Spoiler

Shadow

 
I am a shadow
Of who I once was.
 
A lonely, dark shadow.
 
A shadow and
A shell
I can never be filed
Like I used to be
Never again
 
I like being the Shadow
I drift through my life
Never caring
 
Shadows cannot be hurt
For they are nothing
 
I am nothing
And yet
I still hurt
 
If I just become the shadow
Just a bit more
I won’t be hurt anymore
I can sink and
Drown alone
 
Drown
Alone
In
My
Shadow
 
~ Stick 1-17-24

 

Spoiler

Love

 
We were created to love
And yet… love causes so much
Pain.
 
I almost welcome the pain.
But I don’t always want the love.
 
Love is a fickle emotion. People say I’m loved, but I can’t believe them, for I do not feel.
 
All I can feel is my heart, breaking inside me, the pain consuming my soul.
 
Let the pain come.
The Shadow can stand it.
 
Shut out the love.
You don’t deserve it.
You can survive in your own
Pitiful
World
Of
Pain.
 
~ Stick 1-17-24

 

Spoiler

Those nights

 
It is one of those nights
When nothing goes right
When I sink
Into my depression
When hope is gone
 
I have a dear friend-
Several, in fact.
 
They hold me
On nights like this one
They love me
On nights like this one
 
It’s worth the pain
On nights like this one
 
If these nights were gone
There would be no
Joy in the morning
 
The bonding
Would never happen
 
I don’t have
Shallow friendships
It’s go deep
Or go home
 
And when you
Have a night like this
You
Can talk to me
But, my other friend is here to
One much stronger and better than me
His mighty name
Is Jesus
 
I hope, dear one,
That you go to him.
I am here, yes, but
I am weak.
 
Only He
Can hold you
When I cannot
When I am weak
He holds me to.
It’s ok to show weakness.
We are human.
 
Strength is falling
And getting back up,
Letting Him pick you up
 
He can hold you
On these nights.
 
~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Save me

 
I stretch
Out
My arms
And you
Save
Me.
 
You save me.
 
I don’t deserve
To be
Saved.
 
But you
You do it
Anyway.
 
You died for me.
You bled and died for me
For me
 
How can I not
Love who you
Saved?
Who you died for?
 
It is a
Decision.
 
I decided
Years ago
To hate myself.
 
And so I have.
 
I have hated
This beautiful,
Scarred creature
You call
Your Daughter.
 
No More.
 
I am Strong
I am Beautiful
I am a Warrior
 
I am Loved
By myself.
 
You saved me,
So I am choosing
Right here,
Right now.
 
I love myself.
I love how You made me.
I am Your handiwork.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I was made
Exactly how I You chose.
 
I am free
 
Because You
You have
Saved me.
 
~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Party

 
I am supposed to be
Happy.
 
It’s a party, right?
Everyone is happy
At a party.
 
Not this person.
I wish I could hide…
Sit in the corner,
Under my blanket,
Back to the wall,
Ignore everything,
Ignore everyone,
Lost
In my
Head.
 
Thank you
For the presents
Thank you
For coming
But I need
To be alone now.
Goodbye
Good night
I’m leaving.
 
I’m sorry.
I know
I’m supposed to
Be the center
Of attention.
But I can’t
 
I’m to busy
Leaving the party.
 
Goodbye,
The party
Is
Over.
 
~ Stick 1-21-24

 

Spoiler

Fifteen Years

 
Fifteen years
Is not a lot of time.
It feels
Like not very much,
But also
All the time
In the world.
 
I want to go back.
I want to return
To when things
Were simpler
And I didn’t hear
All the voices
Driving me to do things
 
Screaming at me
Trying to run my
Life.
 
Fifteen years
 
Where is my life going?
What is my purpose?
 
I’m here for a reason, right?
 
I’m not just here
To be crazy, right?
 
I’m not just here
To be tormented,
Am I?
 
Fifteen years
 
I am supposed to
Do things
But I can’t
Even
Get
Up
Off the
Floor.
 
I have a life
To live,
But I
Can
Hardly
Breathe.
 
Fifteen years
 
How many
More years
Will I have?
 
One?
Two?
Five?
 
None?
 
Is this my last
Year?
Is this my last
Month?
Last week?
Last
Day?
 
Maybe
I’ll get
Another
Fifteen
Years.
 
Maybe
I’ll die
Tomorrow.
 
Thank you
For my
Fifteen years.
 
 
~ Stick 1-21-24

 

Spoiler

Learning

 
I am learning.
I’m learning that I’m loved.
I’m learning that it’s okay to cry.
I’m learning that I don’t have to be okay.
I’m learning that living is worth the pain.
Even if it doesn’t always
Feel that way.
 
I’m learning that pain
Makes you stronger.
 
I’m learning that joy
Comes in the morning.
 
I’m learning that God listens.
He is here. He will protect me.
 
I’m learning about how many people
Love me and care about me.
 
I’m learning that there is more to life
Than stress.
 
There is more to life than depression
Or anxiety.
 
I’m learning about
My purpose.
 
I am here
For a reason.
Even if
I haven’t found it yet,
I’m learning
To trust
To love
Others, as well as
Myself.
 
It’s hard
But
I’m getting
Stronger.
 
I am learning.
 
~ Stick 1-23-24

 

Spoiler

Someday

 
You.
You make me believe.
 
You hold me and make me
Believe
In someday.
 
I can’t thank you enough
For that.
I know that
I’m a messy person.
I’m everywhere at once.
 
My emotions go
Everywhere.
 
My thoughts go everywhere.
 
I just can’t stop them.
 
But you help
To hold me together.
All my little pieces,
That try to escape and
Hurt me,
You hold me together.
 
I love you for it.
I feel safe with you.
I trust you.
 
But
Still I fear.
I fear that
Someday
Will never happen.
 
I fear that
I will be left.
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid to be vulnerable,
Even with you.
I don’t want to get hurt
Again.
 
I don’t want to be
Abandoned
So I’m scared
To love
Scared to dream
Scared to be free
And let myself
Love.
 
I’m trying.
I do love you,
I do trust you,
But I’m sorry
If I’m not
Like everyone
Else.
 
I’m trying
But
The trauma
Just
Won’t leave.
 
And yet
Here I am
Believing
In
Someday.
 
Look what you did!
You got me
To believe
In something.
 
You got me
To love
Someone.
 
And I’m trying.
I really
Really
Am.
 
But
It’s just hard
Right now.
 
If you want
To leave,
The doors open.
 
But,
Someday.
 
~ Stick 1-25-24
 
 

 

Spoiler

Homeless

 
 
I see it.
Their blank, hopeless stares
The way they beg for anything
I was once
So hopeless
Life was bleak.
I worked hard
To keep myself breathing
I had my family
To support me.
Who do they have?
No one.
We turn a blind eye
On their suffering
And pain
Their problems
We try not to see.
But why?
Are they not people too?
What’s the difference?
A few dollars
A roof over our heads
Hope
That’s the real difference.
We know where
Our next meal is coming from
They do not.
But
We can help them
Find themselves
Pick themselves up
Get back on their feet
We can help them to stand
Again
 
 
~ Stick 1-13-24

 

Spoiler

Where my thoughts go

 
 
 
 
I want to go out
And lay on the snow
I want to forget I ever
Learned to breathe
 
I want to freeze
All alone in the cold
I want to die
I want to fade away with no more pain
I want to feel
My body
Slowly freezing
Stiff
And
Cold
And
Dead
 
It’s hard to laugh
When you’re crying.
 
It’s hard to react
When you’re empty.
 
It’s hard to feel safe
When you’re scared.
 
It’s hard to have hope
When you’re hopeless.
 
It’s hard to love
With no pain.
 
It’s hard to fly
Without wings.
 
It’s hard to pray
Without words.
 
It’s hard to think
When you’re emotionless.
 
It’s hard to hold
When you’re breaking.
 
 
The scars don’t define me
The pain doesn’t define me
My stupid brain doesn’t define me
 
I want to die
Without my thoughts
Spiraling out of control
 
I want peace
I want nothingness
I want to fade away
 
I don’t want to exist
I don’t want the feelings
And emotions of something alive
 
I want to know why
My brain spirals
Why it always
Ends up in the
Abyss
 
I want to know why
I can’t just be normal
I can’t just stop shaking
I can’t just stop crying
 
I want to know why
I’m a mess
Why I hate myself
Why I can’t trust
Anyone
 
I want to know why
Your arms are out of reach
I want to know
The answers to my questions
The pathway to my heart
Around and through
My walls
 
Getting to my heart is a maze
It feels
Impossible
 
I can’t feel the arms
I can’t feel the pain
The love
Any of it
I am numb
I asked for this
I made myself this way
I deserve this
 
I am
A
Numb
Shadow
Of
Who
I
Once
Was
 
The lonely mist
Surrounds me
I can’t see
I can’t breathe
I can’t feel
I can’t even scream
Would I even want to?
 
I’m scared
Scared of change
Scared of abandonment
Scared of the shadow
That I have become.
 
Scared that I will never
Be what I should be
For everyone.
 
This is where my mind goes.
 
~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Sweatshirt

 
I wrap myself
Up in it.
I imagine you’re here
With me.
Holding my hand,
Holding me,
Loving me.
 
I feel you,
In this sweatshirt.
I miss you,
I’m thinking of you.
I think you’re here with me.
I hide in this sweatshirt,
Pretending I’m hiding in your
Loving arms.
 
It smells like you.
It feels like you.
It’s a bittersweet
Feeling, wearing
Your sweatshirt.
 
I think of you often,
I miss you lots,
It makes me lonely,
But also hopeful.
You will have
To see me again,
Or else,
Say goodbye
To your sweatshirt.
 
I love you.
I’m missing you.
I can’t wait
To see you,
Wearing my sweatshirt,
And give you
A hug.
 
I’m thinking of you
From
Inside
This
Sweatshirt.
 
~ Stick 1-26-14

 

Spoiler

Bracelet

 
 
This little insignificant looking thing
Holds so much weight,
Holds so many memories.
 
We were sitting
On my bed,
You handed me a tiny little
Package.
It was my birthday.
 
I could hardly wait
To open it,
Tearing away the wrapping,
To reveal, a small,
Chain,
Bracelet.
 
I took it out, and you
Clipped it on
My wrist.
 
I look at it now,
And miss you.
I wish you were here.
 
 
I want to hold your hand.
I want to pull you close.
I want to snuggle you,
Kiss your forehead,
Tell you how much
I love you.
 
But I don’t have
You,
All I have is
This
Bracelet.
 
~ Stick 2-2-24

 

Spoiler

Snowflake

 
Tumbling,
Twisting,
Falling from the sky.
 
The snowflakes
Hit the ground
And pile
Into drifts.
 
Fleecy,
Delicate,
Never alone,
 
They dance
Through the air
To their own
Song.
 
The song of falling snow.
 
The lonely sound
Of the winter
Wind
Sighing through the trees
 
Accompany the
song of falling snow.
 
The cold melody
Plays across the
Frigid
Winter night.
 
The snowflake
Is but a
Tiny part
Of the
Symphony.
 
And yet, without it,
There would be
No
Music.
 
 
~ Stick 1-16-24

 

Spoiler

Toxic

 
I have toxic
People
In my life.
 
I’m close to them.
I love them.
I don’t want to
Leave them.
I said I would never leave.
I said that I was there for them.
 
But
I can only get
Hurt so many times
Before my trust is broken.
Before the trauma
Overtakes me.
 
I need to leave.
But I don’t want them
Hurt like I have been.
I don’t want to
Put anyone else
Through that pain.
 
I love them.
I promised.
I want to be there
But it hurts
 
It hurts mentally,
Emotionally,
Once or twice,
Physically.
 
But I can’t leave,
Right?
Would they leave
If the roles were reversed?
 
Do I
Even care
Enough to leave?
I welcome the pain.
It feels right.
I just don’t care.
 
I feel toxic.
I am so messed up.
I make others worry,
I make them uncomfortable,
Upset,
Stressed,
 
What if
I’m the toxic one?
If they feel trapped?
If I just let them go…
If I just left,
If I rebuilt
All the walls
Around my heart.
 
If I went back
To being alone.
It’s what’s best
For everyone,
Right?
 
They don’t need
The toxic friend.
They are hurt.
They wish they could escape.
But they don’t want to hurt me.
 
I can stand the pain.
 
My heart may break,
But I can hide it.
My life may crash,
But I can lose myself and
Not exist.
 
I can close myself off
From everyone
And everything.
That’s what’s best.
For everyone.
 
They have other friends.
Ones who aren’t
Toxic.
 
I am the
Toxic
Friend
And I’m
Sorry.
 
~ Stick 1-25-24
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Blanket

 
Every time
I go to the blanket
Whenever I’m stressed
I’m lonely
I’m crying
I hate myself
I flee to my blanket
 
I hide with my blanket
It holds me
When my friends
Cannot
 
Sometimes
I go under the blanket
Alone in the dark
I cry
I scream
I claw at my skin
I hate this thing I’m
Trapped in
 
The air
Isn’t under the blanket
And I’m glad
I don’t want the air
Breathing is too hard
It’s easier not to
 
I wrap myself in this blanket
I hide from the
Cruel
Cold
World
 
I have many blankets
I have named them all
All are suffocating
In there own way
 
I have a blanket
Named Depression
 
I have a blanket
Named Anxiety
 
I have a blanket
Named Self- harm
 
I have a blanket
Named
Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder
 
I have a blanket
Named Stress
 
I have a blanket
Named Suicide
 
I have a blanket
Named Empty
 
I sometimes hide under
All my blanket-
The emotional ones
And the physical one.
 
The good things
Feel like
Mist
Instead of
Blankets
 
Not very easy to feel
Especially
Through
My
Blankets
 
~ Stick 1-19-24
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Weakness

 
 
Weakness
Vulnerability
 
I have learned
That without weakness
I can never
Be
Strong.
 
I need to be vulnerable
Or nothing
Feels
Real.
 
It is hard!
There is a chance
That you will get hurt.
But which is worse?
The numbness?
Or the pain?
 
You cannot
Have
Healing
Without
Pain.
 
You cannot
Have
Strength
Without
Weakness.
 
You cannot
Have
Joy
Without
Sadness.
 
Look behind you.
Look at the journey.
Look how far we’ve come!
 
He has been here
For all of it.
 
He has been guiding
You
Me
All Of
Us
In his
Own
Special
Way.
 
Think very
Very
Hard.
 
Open your heart.
 
Can you feel him?
In your moment of weakness?
Can you feel
His hand
On your shoulder?
Guiding you?
Keeping you
Close to
Him?
 
He is here
Right now
When you can hardly
Breathe
When the emptiness
Tries to
Eat you
Alive
When you
Are lonely
When pain is all you feel
Give it to Him
He already felt it all
On a very
Special
Tree
All those
Years
Ago.
 
He knows.
He cares.
He will take
Your pain
Your scars
Your shame
Your wounds
 
All you have to do
Is show
Your
Weakness.
 
~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Heartbeat

 
I lean back
Against your chest,
Feeling your heartbeat.
 
I can feel you breathing.
So alive,
So beautiful…
 
What we have
Feels like
Magic.
 
I can feel your arms
Surrounding me,
Cradling me against you.
 
I never want to leave.
I feel you, even when
I’m alone.
 
I close my eyes,
My heart swells
With our love.
 
My heartbeat
Intertwines
With yours.
 
I’m holding
Your hand,
Tightly in my own.
 
You aren’t leaving.
I’m not leaving.
I never want to.
 
Your spirit,
So beautiful.
I can see who you really are.
 
You try to hide it,
But I can see,
And what I see is beautiful.
 
Your arms are
Holding me tightly.
I cannot fall, when I’m held.
 
I love you.
I don’t have the words.
But, I love you.
 
You.
I’ve been looking for
You.
 
All along,
It was you.
And I’ve been waiting.
 
I’ve been waiting,
And now, I’ve
Finally found you.
 
I feel your heartbeat,
Keeping you alive,
Keeping our love safe.
 
I don’t want
Anyone else.
You are mine.
 
I will cling to you,
Try to stay
In your arms.
 
Please, don’t hurt who
I love so much,
Who I care about so deeply.
 
I’m praying over both
Of us.
That we stay strong, together.
 
It all comes back,
To that one
Heartbeat.
 
That one heartbeat,
That connected
Us both.
 
Connected
By
That
One
Heartbeat.
 
~ Stick1-26-24
 

Moonlight

 
I’m staring at the moon.
I’m thinking
I’m thinking about you,
Where you are,
Why you have to be
So far away from me.
 
I’m wondering
Are you
Looking at the deep,
Rich, velvet,
Night sky,
Thinking of me?
 
I miss you.
My heart is longing for you,
Your embrace,
The feeling of safety.
 
I’m thinking of you,
Imagining you,
Dreaming of you.
 
I love you,
And so I go,
To the only place I know,
To express that love.
 
I’m counting stars,
Counting the ways I
Love you.
 
You never stray far
From my thoughts,
From my heart.
 
It beats, and I think of you,
Of one day, when our hearts
May beat in tandem.
 
The day cannot come fast enough.
Here I am, far away,
Longing for your touch.
 
The moonlight,
Illuminates my tears,
Turning them to silver
Comets down my face.
 
They are tears of longing,
Tears of joy,
Tears because,
I’m so filled with our love,
That it overflows.
 
It is beautiful,
Like your heart,
Like your love,
Like all those
Endless stars,
Watching both of us,
Connecting us,
Somehow.
 
We are both together,
And yet, alone,
Here, in the
Moonlight.
 
~ Stick 1-26-24
 
 
 

Alone

 
 
Once again
Here I am
Alone.
 
I knew,
It wouldn’t last,
I knew,
It was just to
Good to be
True.
 
And yet,
I trusted
That I wouldn’t be
Hurt
Left
Forgotten.
 
Here I am,
Alone.
 
I was held,
I was loved,
I thought-
Not anymore.
 
Now I’m just here
Now I’m just crying
Now I’m just trying
To hold together
my breaking heart,
Pretending that
I’m fine,
That we are fine,
Because nobody cared
In the first place.
 
It was all teasing,
All a joke.
And I lied
To myself.
I said I wouldn’t be hurt again
Or left, again
But I was.
 
It was a stupid decision.
I should’ve known.
I won’t be so
Stupid next time.
 
I’ll never be
That naive again.
I just have to rebuild
My walls.
Thicker and stronger
Than ever.
 
I have to protect my heart.
I need those walls up.
I can’t be broken again.
I’ll never be that easy to
Hurt again.
 
Good luck,
Trying to break them.
I’m fine,
I’m just breaking.
I’m just hurt,
I’m just adding
To my walls
I’m just adding to
My trauma.
 
No big deal,
It’s normal,
I saw it coming,
But I lied to myself.
It’s my fault anyway,
I wouldn’t want me
Either, if i was him.
 
I’m fine.
Just broken.
Just abandoned.
Just alone.
 
~ Stick 1-29-24
 
 
Spoiler

Unstable 

 
My mind rocks
In the turbulent darkness
 
It wavers on the brink
Of a decision.
A choice.
A plan.
 
I can’t continue.
Everything hurts.
Breathing is too much work.
 
I’m drowning under all these
Things
That I have to do
 
I’m drifting,
Lost in thought.
I have a plan,
I can just
End it.
 
I want it to happen
I’m practically begging for it
To happen.
 
It’s just too much.
I can’t.
I’m so sorry,
But I just can’t.
 
Can’t cry,
Can’t feel
Anything but this desire.
 
Why am I here?
I hate this.
All of it.
 
This pitiful,
Broken,
Scarred
Cage.
I’m trapped in this cage.
 
I know only one
Way to escape.
That’s to just
End it.
 
I’m so tired.
All I want is rest.
I’m sorry,
But it will happen
One day
 
I want it to be today.
I can’t face tomorrow.
Another
Day
Of torture.
 
Trapped in my cage,
This stupid
Empty
Cage.
 
The cage I can’t escape.
The cage I hate.
This cage won’t be here
Forever.
 
I’ll end my own suffering
It’s only a matter of time.
Till my unstable
Mind
Breaks
 
I can’t wait
I want it to be now
I want to leave
 
I’m dead inside,
So why don’t I just
Finish the job?
 
That sounds
Wonderful.
 
I wonder
Who will be the first
One to find my
Body?
 
My dad?
Brother?
Sister?
Will it be
My mother?
The one who
Trapped me in here
In the first place?
 
They might
Be devastated,
But I’ll have found
My peace.
 
My friends
Will mourn,
But they’ll move on.
They can find other friends.
In time,
They’ll move on.
 
And I’ll be left,
Ashes scattered
Across barren land,
Finally at peace
Within.
 
I’ll be free.
I’ll float,
Without my cage
To hinder me.
 
I’m saying goodbye.
I’ll miss you,
But this is what best.
 
I’m sorry,
But I can’t keep living in this
Cage.
 
I’ve tried to escape before,
And I don’t know what’s stopped me
I won’t be stopped again.
I’m leaving.
 
I’ve tried
Cutting my way out
Of this cage,
But it didn’t work.
I have scars,
But it’s worth it
To feel the pain
Instead of emptiness.
 
The emptiness of
My cage.
 
I would ask
To be saved,
But I want this
Not a savior.
 
I want the death
The peace that
Comes after.
 
All I have to do is
Stop breathing.
I won’t be unstable anymore.
I’ll be gone.
 
I’ll be gone.
I’m leaving.
Goodbye,
Friends,
Family,
I’ll miss you.
 
But I’m just
To
Unstable.
 
 
~ Stick 2-7-24

 

Spoiler

I’m Sorry 

 
Dear friend,
I’m so, so sorry.
I’m sorry about last night.
 
I’m sorry for the things I did,
I’m sorry for the way I acted.
I’m sorry for the way that I am.
 
I’m sorry for my poor decisions
After,
I’m sorry for causing you
Pain as well.
 
I’m sorry for ruining
What you gave me.
I’m sorry for
So many things.
 
I’m sorry
For the blood
On your
Sweatshirt.
 
I’m sorry.
 
~ Stick 2-8-25

 

Spoiler

Scratches 

 
They are
Only scratches.
Nothing more.
 
They scar,
They bleed,
They hurt.
But they
Are only
Scratches.
 
And yet,
I want them to
Be more than
Just scratches.
 
I’m tired of scratches.
I’m tired of drips
Of blood.
 
I want wounds.
I want a river of
Blood.
I want it all to
Go away,
At the point of this
Knife.
 
I can picture it,
I can start,
But I can’t finish.
I always fail.
 
I always fail.
 
I want to
Add more scratches.
Maybe,
If I get enough,
I’ll finally die.
 
Death by scratches.
 
~ Stick 1-8-24

 

Spoiler

Still Here 

 
 
I’m still here
I tried not
To
Be
But I’m still
Here.
 
Last night was
Just so hard
I
Acted
But I’m still
Here.
 
I hate everything
I don’t want
To
Live
But I’m still
Here.
 
I don’t know
Why I’m alive
I
Tried
But I’m still
Here.
 
Why am I
On this earth
No
Purpose
But I’m still
Here.
 
I’m still here
Because I can’t
Leave.
 
~ Stick 2-9-24

 

Spoiler

Miracle

 
 
I awoke and saw a bright,
Yellow flower, sitting alone
On my dresser.
 
It was, and is, such a simple thing…
A yellow flower. A spark in the darkness.
A flame, ready to grow.
 
But I saw it as so much more.
I saw it as a promise. A miracle.
This long, dark, depressing winter
Can only last so long before Spring
Makes her appearance.
 
It was a symbol of hope, of light, of an ending
To the dark.
 Spring.
My heart laughs with joy
At the thought.
Warmth, sunshine, new life.
 
So different from the cold, hard,
Angry form of Winter, who has tried
So many times to trap me in his cold,
Sad, scary, embrace.
But I will soon escape.
 
The darkness, the cold, the fear,
The depression, the anger, the emptiness,
The loneliness, the sadness, the tears…
 
 
They all make up the winter,
The winter that I will soon escape from.
With the help
Of my tiny
Miracle. 
 
My little flower…
I think of her as my friend now,
One who is helping to 
See me through the dark days,
One who is promising light,
And with the light, comes life,
Comes new ideas,
New hope, new purpose, new plans,
 
What started this?
A tiny, yellow flower…
One who has become my friend,
One who, at her passing,
Will shrivel, and die.
But my hope does not die with her.
Nay, it springs afresh with each of her siblings.
A fresh miracle, one for me to enjoy,
Until hope comes to
The outside world.
 
Until the Miracle of Spring
Is upon us. 
 
~ Stick 2-22-24
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Rest

 
 
What is rest?
Really?
I think about
Trying to find it
Seems pretty
Damn hard
It is
A feeling
Of safety
Home
Comfort
A place where some go
A place I can’t go
Can’t find
Can’t remember
Was I ever there?
It feels safe?
What is safe?
I am not
Safe
To myself
To others
Why?
Am I so
Different?
Nobody
Struggles
Like I
Do.
Lies.
What is a lie?
A messed up truth?
Are humans all lies?
We are corrupt
People
Lies
Things will change
Get worse
Always
No rest
Ever
For me
And
What would I do?
If I could rest?
Dream?
No-
Dreams die
They always
Die
I burry
My dreams
My feelings
My thoughts
My only
Salvation
Is
Words
Expressions
Emotions
Transmitted
Through writing
To help
Hurt
Kill
Die
Destroy and
Leave desolation
Behind them
But-
If it’s unburied
Will they help?
Is there someone
Out there
Like me?
Someone who
Cares
Loves
Carries pain
And sorrow
And hopelessness?
Someone who just can’t die
But who wants to
End it all
Right now
Enter into
Oblivion
Light?
Or dark?
Peace?
Or fear?
I won’t know till
I get there
That could be soon
Who knows how soon
I could find rest
But would it really be rest?
Soon
What is soon?
But a whispered
False promise
Of something
that will never come
Or is it something that will
Come?
That will come
Soon
Soon
What will happen soon?
Will my life end?
Will it continue?
What do I want?
What do I need?
These are questions
I cannot
Answer
I am drowning
In these
Questions
Feelings
Thoughts
Questions of why
Feelings of emptiness
Thoughts of death
Darkness
Relief
But not rest
Will I ever
Rest?
Will I be pulled from
The emptiness?
Rescued?
Or will it
Slowly
Take my breath
Poison
My heart
My soul
My mind?
Will my life finally
End
In
Rest?
 
 
 

 

Spoiler

Stars

 
The tears slide
Down my face
They sting my eyes
Make them red
They leave trails
Of dark and
Silver
Down to my chin
Where they drip
Onto my blanket
Leaving little wet
Gray
Puddles
 
I sit here
And let them
Fall
And drip
And travel towards
The other puddles
Where they join
Together
And make
Bigger spots
On my lap
On my blanket
 
I don’t even
Bother to wipe them
Away
There is no point
They will be followed
By others
 
I sit here and
Cry
Breath catching
In my throat
And hitching
In my lungs
I have so much
To mourn
And so many tears
Stored up
 
They won’t come
All at once
But over the course of
Of however long
It takes
To get relief
From this
Well of
Pressure deep
Down inside
 
They slide
And leak
And pour
From my heart
They hurt
But pain brings
Healing
 
Once I have
Cried all of
Today’s tears
I gently
Remove the
Streaks down
My face
Left by the tears
I wash it all away
Warm water
Soft rag
Quiet lights
Peaceful music
Crumpled tissues
 
The sniffles
Subside
And disappear
But my eyes
Are still red
They still sting
Still mirror
The hurt inside
That won’t come
Out today
 
I just have to
Wait for them
And hope
That it’s a
Good time
To let the tears
Go freely
Down my face
And start everything
All over again
 
I don’t know
How to process
The emotions
And the tears
Don’t always come
They don’t always
Make me feel
Better
They don’t always
Cleanse me
 
But I still
Try to cry
I make myself
Cry
It hurts
But sometimes
I need
The pain
 
The pain that
Will maybe
Bring healing
Someday
 
The tears are my
Stars
Glowing softly
In the dark
Shining
And
Traveling
Down my
Face
 
 
~ Stick 2-25-24

 

Spoiler

I Wish

 
I wish I was as strong as Dalinar
I wish I was as brave as Kaladin
I wish I was as smart as Navani
I wish I was as pretty as Shallan
I wish I was as in love as Adolin
I wish I was as mature as Jasnah
I wish I was as likable as Lopen
I wish I was as kind as Hesina
I wish I was as awesome as Lift
I wish I was as funny as Rock
I wish I was as loyal as Teft
I wish I was as confident as Veil
I wish I was as bubbly as Syl
I wish I was as happy as Gawx
I wish I was as gentle as Lirin
I wish I had as much purpose as Venli
I just wish… I was different.
 
~ Stick 2-28-24
 

Okay, formatting is a bit messed up, I'll fix it at some point and post the other 20+ poems too.

~ Stick

It's not letting me edit, so it'll prolly merge :) 

Spoiler

60 Degree

Summer

 
 
I’m staring out the window
Longing for summer to 
Come.
 
 I’m longing for the bright
Hazy days of my
 Childhood.
 
I’m wishing for the simplicity
Of practically living outside
 All summer.
 
The running barefoot through the
Tall grass in the evenings
With my siblings.
 
Playing all the games with my dad,
That old swing I stayed on for
Hours at a time.
 
The trips to the beach, waves rushing
Up around my ankles, the breeze,
Playing in the sand.
 
Times were so simple,
So pleasant;
Summer. 
 
Now, it’s still winter, still cold,
Still dreary and dark,
Dark and unfamiliar. 
 
I sat outside in 60 degree weather
Missing summer so much
That I cried.
 
 
Those tears felt so cold,
So sad and 
Lonely. 
 
I’m hoping that I can just
Hang on until
Summer.
 
Until school lets out, when everything
Is warm and bright and green
All over again.
 
Until then, I’ll cling tightly
To my only hope,
My 60 degree summer.
 
~ Stick 2-11-24

 

Spoiler

Crippling Depression

 
I stare at the ceiling,
Unmoving.
My mind
Feels numb.
I don’t even
Blink my eyes.
 
My body tingles,
My hands shake,
I’m cold all over.
But the real
Chill is
Inside.
 
I feel frozen in place,
Stuck in a
Cold, mental
Mud.
 
My eyes water and a
Single tear
Rolls
Down my
Cheek.
 
I can’t even move to
Wipe it away.
It feels warm,
Then cold,
Traveling down,
To drip into my
Ear.
 
I blink once
And it brings more
Tears.
 
They sting my eyes
As they fall.
I am being consumed
By this empty feeling.
 
By the immense loneliness
That finds me
So often these days.
 
I can’t get warm.
I can hardly
Move my chest
Up and
Down
To breathe.
 
The emptiness
Is joined by
The massive
Weight
Of self hatred.
 
I can feel my
Heart
Breaking,
Even as it
Beats.
 
My eyes go
Unfocused,
Lights blurry.
 
The world is softer
That way,
Everything looks
Like clouds.
 
Clouds that
I can sink into,
Sink into
Unmoving,
Wrapped in the
Cold misty
Blanket.
 
I’m shaking harder now,
I can hardly feel it.
I can’t see it.
I try to
Wiggle my
Fingers,
But it’s too hard.
 
I am faintly aware
Of a sensation
Of drifting.
 
Have I joined the
Clouds?
Is that what I am now?
Cold and damp,
Floating away,
To some other
Place?
 
Twenty-three days
I whisper in my mind,
It’s too long.
I can’t
Wait that
Long.
 
I’m drifting.
 
D r i f t i n g…
 
D
R
I
F
T
I
N
G
 
 
 
~ Stick 3-21-24

 

Spoiler

Hiding

 
This is my instinct
In a bad
Situation
I have to hide
No body wants to see
Me
So I hide
 
I feel safe
When I hide
 
I feel lonely
When I hide
 
And yet
I keep
Going
Back
To
My
Hiding
 
I press against the wall
Smash myself into the corner
On the floor
 
“Go unnoticed.”
“Make yourself small.”
“Put up your hood.”
“Nobody wants to see you.”
 
I have to hide
Right?
 
This is normal
Right?
 
I talk to the voices
The people who aren’t there
 
I hold the
Invisible hand
But it feels real
I can feel it
But no one
Else
Can
 
I’m not normal
So I Hide
 
I hide
 
I hide
Because
I have
To
 
~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Reserved for a really special poem that I can't post yet ❤️ 

 

Spoiler

Thoughts

 
My mind
It races
As fast
As it can
 
It jumps from
Topic to
Topic
But only stays on one
 
The thought,
Always somewhere in my head
 
“Kill yourself, you’re better off dead.”
 
I try not to entertain this fantasy
That I have,
 
But it is taking over.
 
My broken brain thinks
Deep down
That everything is better
If we die.
 
What is there to live for?
The Shadow cares about nothing.
 
These thoughts
Will one day
Be the death of me.
 
Welcome to the funeral.
She was killed
By
Her
Own
Thoughts.
 
~ Stick 1-17-24

 

Spoiler

Okay

 
I am not okay.
I have tried so hard
To be okay.
 
For my family.
For my friends.
For the people who need me.
 
But no more.
I don’t have
To be okay.
 
I will heal.
One day, I will be
Okay.
 
But that is not today.
That might not be tomorrow.
Or next week.
 
I admit it.
I’m not “fine”
I’m not “good”
I am broken
But
In the process
Of healing.
 
I am
Perfectly
Imperfect.
 
That is okay,
Even if
I’m not.
 
And that is okay.
I’ll get there,
One day.
 
One day,
I will
Be okay.
 
~ Stick 1-19-24

 

Spoiler

Why Can’t We Fix This?

 
I’m a tiny little worm.
I crawl through the dirt, just living,
Just doing as I was
Created to do.
 
I poke my tiny head
Out
Of the dirt.
I wiggle further,
Further…
 
Splat!
I hit something hard.
What is it?
I can’t see it, for,
I don’t have eyes.
 
I try to push through it
To no avail!
I try to go around it
But I can’t escape.
I can’t eat it,
I can’t get out of it.
 
I am trapped!
 
Over the next while,
It becomes hot.
Very hot.
I can feel the sun, and I try
To squirm away,
But the sun burns me!
 
It’s hot, so very hot
I’m drying out,
The heat-
 
 
 
 
I am a squirrel.
I bounce, too and fro,
Collecting food and saving
It away for
Winter.
 
My purpose.
 
I see something on the ground!
It’s shiny.
I creep closer, trying to see…
It smells good!
I take a small bite of it.
It’s slippery, crinkly, and doesn’t
Taste like anything I’ve
Ever eaten.
 
A sound comes from
The hill above me.
I smell human.
I bound up the nearest
Tree,
Perching where I can see…
 
The human throws
Something down the hill.
Something shiny, roundish,
Clear- like water, like ice?
 
The thing hits a rock
And… shatters?
Little bits go flying
Everywhere,
Then, the human
Leaves.
 
I wait for a long time,
Unmoving.
Then, I
Creep
Down
The tree,
Scurry over
To one of the
Pieces.
 
I sniff at it,
But it doesn’t move.
It’s so shiny…
I reach my paw forward…
 
A stick somewhere
Behind me,
Cracks suddenly!
 
I jump at the sound,
My paw, comes down on
The shard of the thing-
It goes right through
My paw!
I squeak in pain
And fright,
Bounding up the nearest
Tree!
 
The thing, now stuck
Deep into my paw,
Comes with me.
 
I look down at the
Bark of the tree
In which I cling.
It is spattered with blood.
I can smell it.
 
It’s my blood.
 
I try to climb higher
In the tree,
Limping
All the way.
 
When I feel I’m safe
Enough,
I examine my paw.
The pain is excruciating,
My blood continues to leak from
Torn skin and matted fur.
 
I can still feel the thing
Inside.
It seems to be
Gouging
Deeper.
 
After trying,
With no luck,
For some time
To get
The thing out
Of my paw,
I start to feel
Sleepy.
 
My paw starts to feel
Numb, my head
Feels
Light…
 
I have to find my nest,
Just to
Take
A small
Sleep…
 
 
I am a deer.
I’m trotting over my patch of
Woods,
My head held
High, my eight
Antler points
Displayed proudly.
 
I am at the top of a small rise,
The strange rock I’m standing
On is interlaced
With strange,
Metallic-smelling bars.
It makes me uneasy, for some
Reason.
 
It’s going to be fine.
Of course it will be.
 
I take one
Step
Closer to the edge,
Ears alert for
Any sign of
Danger.
 
My ears could
Never have warned me
Of what happened
Next.
 
The footing under
My front hooves
Suddenly collapses,
Tumbling me over the edge!
 
But my rear legs become
Tangled in those
Strange metallic
Bars, snagging me painfully.
 
I’m suspended,
Upside down,
Three deerlengths above
The rocky ground.
 
The bars are hard and solid,
Digging into my slender
Legs,
Cutting them deeply.
 
If only I had know
What sharp edges
They had!
 
I’m kicking
Frantically,
Trying to break free,
Trying to escape the pain
The horror of being so
Precariously high!
 
A sound rises in my throat,
Tears out my mouth before
I can stop it.
 
Whether from pain
Or fear, I can’t tell.
 
I bawl again, continuing to kick
For a long while.
 
I’m getting so
Tired.
 
I stop struggling, feeling
The weight of
My body
Pressing
Down on my
Lungs,
Blood rushing
To my head.
 
My vision is
Turning red,
Clouded by the blood
In my skull.
 
My breath comes in pants.
 
Everything hurts.
 
I have no more strength.
 
I’m bleeding…
 
Bleeding….
 
 
I’m a person,
A young person.
I’m waking through the woods,
Beside the river.
 
I’m disgusted!
There is so much trash!
I can’t take a single step
Without glass
Crunching
Beneath my shoes.
 
Plastic and metal protrude from
The surrounding leaf-litter.
A small bird hops over a half
Buried soda can,
Another perches on
A beer bottle.
 
Tiny, sickly plants attempt
To grow around a deflated
Plastic pool float.
 
Everywhere, there are glass shards,
Beer bottles,
Smashed cans,
Broken containers,
Shattered jars,
Dirt and rust,
Filth and chemicals.
 
Old tires and plastic toys
Scattered between
Dying, hole-filled, blackened
Trees.
 
Concrete stairs,
Cinder blocks,
Concrete pads and
An entire cliff,
Twisted, sharp, metal
Saluting the dead tree branches
Above.
 
I walk- slide, more like-
Down the steep hill, to the
Bottom of the cliff.
 
I kick aside leaves,
Sticks, rotting wood,
Cans, glass, bottles,
Underneath…
There lies an old
Deer skull.
An eight point buck.
 
I pick up the skull.
It’s white, bleached,
It no longer smells.
 
I shake my head,
Trying to imagine what
Might have
Killed the poor
Thing.
 
I look around the dying woods, down to the murky, nasty,
Water
Below.
 
Is there any hope for this land?
Can it ever be
Returned to what
It was created to be?
Can we reconcile all
That was lost?
Can we restart the
Ecosystem?
Diversify the flora
And fauna
As it once was?
 
I don’t know.
I’m but one teenager.
What can I do?
 
I think about it,
Sweat trickling
Down the back of my neck.
The gnats swarming my arms.
 
I need to start back soon,
Go back to the clean,
Bright cottage.
 
I have a beautiful place to
Stay, here,
But the animals?
The permanent residents?
Those defenseless against
Pollution?
 
Their woods-
Where they have been since
Day four
Of creation-
Is now full
Of things they can’t
Stand against,
Things they had no part
In making!
Things that only
Desecrate their habitats,
But help us so that
We can do less work,
At the expense of the
Ecosystem,
At the expense of that which
Enables us to live at all.
 
Their woods seem to
No longer be
Their woods.
 
Why can we not fix this?
 
Take care of all this
Pollution,
Take care of our farms,
In turn, our health,
The health of
Our children,
Grandchildren,
Yes, great grandchildren!
 
Why can’t we
Stop
Fighting out wars,
Our petty squabbles over
Land-
Land that is slowly
Disappearing.
 
Why don’t we take care
Of this wonderful gift
God has blessed us with?
 
Why can’t we fix this?
 
~ Stick 4-16-24

 

Spoiler

Pain

 
It hurts.
I feel like my heart
Was torn out of my chest.
Was twisted and squeezed,
Bruised and cut.
 
It wasn’t returned to me either.
I think I’m dying.
 
I didn’t know anything
Could hurt this bad.
 
The tears, as many as there are
Are still inadequate to
Capture this anguish.
 
It hurts.
It’s like no other pain
I’ve ever felt.
 
I can’t move under the weight
Of my sorrow.
I can’t breathe.
Do I even want to?
 
I can do nothing
But lie here
In the dark,
Alone.
 
Staring up at my ceiling,
Sobbing the battered
Remains of my
Heart out.
 
I’m dying.
I can feel the life
Ebbing away from my
Cold, shaking body.
 
The breath in my lungs
Rattles back and forth.
 
I am dying.
I can’t survive this.
It hurts to much.
 
Pain.
Can’t anymore.
Dying.
 
~ Stick 4-22-24

 

Spoiler

Confusion

 
I don’t know what happened.
I don’t know what
I did wrong.
I don’t know how
To make it better.
 
What did I do wrong?
 
I know it’s my fault.
It normally is.
But I just wish…
I wish I could make it right,
Fix things,
Go back to normal.
 
I wish I knew what
I did wrong.
 
I’m so confused.
 
My brain runs is circles,
Chasing its tail.
 
What did I do?
Can I fix it?
How do I fix it
If I don’t know what
Happened?
If I don’t know what
I did to deserve this.
 
Circles,
Round and
Round,
Over and
Over.
 
Confusion.
 
Buzzing thoughts.
Painful thoughts.
Beating against the
Inside of my
Skull.
 
This is my
Punishment
For what I did wrong,
I suppose.
 
If its my punishment,
Then I deserve it.
It was, after all,
My fault.
 
It’s painful.
It cuts.
But I do deserve the pain.
 
Such is the
Price of
Confusion.
 
~ Stick 4-23-24
 
 

 

Spoiler

Exploring

 
“Let’s go exploring!”
They say, grabbing your hand
And dragging you along.
“Okay?” You- we are confused.
Why do we need to explore?
Oh right.
To find the problems.
 
“Tell me everything.” They say.
We can’t refuse them, so we start
Talking.
We talk
And
Talk,
Using up
Our words,
Sapping away
Our energy,
Emotions and
Everything
Else.
 
“Deeper! Dig deeper! We are
Exploring.”
Can we go much deeper
Before our tunnel
Collapses?
I guess we are going to
Find out,
Aren’t we.
Explore every
Lie,
Every doubt,
Every dank
Dark
Corner
Of this place.
We’ll see how soon
The tunnel
Collapses, shutting
Everyone
And everything
Out.
Then there would be
No more exploring.
No more digging,
No more pain.
 
“Tell me about this part?”
We don’t want to talk
About that.
But we do.
We open our mouth and
Use more
Useless
Words.
 
Useless words that
Hold nothing for us
Anymore.
We still write, yes.
But does it mean anything?
Full of words,
Exploring through words.
 
Going deeper through words.
Explaining what
Nobody else can
Ever understand
Through
Words.
 
They seem so empty,
So
Inadequate.
 
Fragile and
Fickle,
Slippery,
Hard to
Straighten
Into a line
That they
Will understand.
 
If they don’t understand,
Then they- we, I guess-
Need to explore deeper.
Closer to collapse.
 
We are so tired.
 
“Let’s explore more!”
So we do.
 
Stuck exploring what
Should have been
Left alone.
 
~ Stick 4-23-24

 

Spoiler

Flowers in Fire

 
Little
Purple
Flowers.
 
Violets.
Fresh,
Innocent,
Beautiful and
Harmless.
 
Pluck them
Out of
The
Dirt from
Whence they
Grew.
 
Arrange them,
Add leaves,
Texture,
Grasses.
 
Behold your
Creation; beautiful,
Nearly
Perfect.
 
Adjust it
Slightly,
A tiny leaf
Here,
Another flower
There.
 
Let the sun
Catch it
And play through
The foliage.
 
Take a tiny
Step back.
Admire.
 
Show off,
Receive compliments,
Feel happy.
 
Feelings fade,
Feel empty.
Look down…
 
You thought it
Was beautiful.
But it now
Seems to
Perfect for you.
 
You grasp them
Tightly,
Crushing the
Tender young
Stems.
You don’t care
Anymore.
 
You are angry,
But don’t know why.
They are just flowers.
And yet…
 
You take your
Masterful,
Tiny
Bouquet,
And lay it gently
Into the
Pile of burning
Wood.
 
You watch the
Smoke rise,
The flame
Stroke the
Edges.
Watch the tiny
Leaves and
Flowers
Shrivel.
Turn black
And
Die.
 
Dead in the ashes.
 
Such is the
Result
Of flowers
In fire.
 
~ Stick 4-24-24
 
 
“The flowers
Are burnt
Shriveled
Dead
But not gone
 
Seeds
Pop in the fire
And memories
Of all
That they were
 
Little
Purple violets
Beautiful
Despite
Being dead
 
Little
Hopeful flowers
Will someday grow
From the ashes”
 
~ @Edema Rue in response

 

Spoiler

Head Down

 
Look at the floor.
Become invisible.
Observe only
The ground beneath
You.
 
They don’t
Want you staring.
 
They don’t
Want to see
You.
 
You need to
Fix your eyes
On the dust
From whence
You came.
 
After all,
It’s where you
Belong.
 
Don’t look up,
Don’t ask questions,
Become the one
Who can be
Ignored.
 
They don’t want
You here.
 
Keep
Looking down.
Down is safer.
Down is where
You won’t get
Hurt.
 
Where you won’t get
Yelled at.
 
Where you’re
Safest.
 
Just look
Down.
 
Bow your head
Pretend to be
Busy.
Pretend you
Are too
Lowly to
Look upon
The faces of
Others.
 
Avoid their eyes.
Look at their shoes.
Look at your shoes.
Head down.
 
Always head
Down.
 
~ Stick 4-25-24

 

Spoiler

Outside Looking In

 
Standing there
Looking through
The glass
At the happy gathering
On the other
Side
 
Wondering
Hoping
That one
Day
We’ll be
Let in
 
We’re so tired
Of being on the
Outside
 
We aren’t allowed
To play their games
To ask the questions
To be like them
 
We are on the
Outside
 
We can see
But we can never
Be apart
 
That isn’t who we are
We aren’t included
We don’t belong
 
It’s just us
Me and you
Alone in our
Head
 
Unable to escape
Unable to join in
Unwilling to stop
Trying to fit
 
Sometimes
We catch a
Glimpse
Of the inside
A tiny snippet
Of their world
Of who they are
 
Sometimes
 
But then
We are too weird
To messed up
The outcast
Once more
 
Stuck inside
Talking to each other
But nobody
Wants to be friends
With the girl
Who talks to
Herself
 
She belongs on the outside
We are on the outside
Just trying
To be
Let in
 
~ Stick 4-25-24

 

Spoiler

Mental Picture

 
I’m imagining
Somewhere quiet,
Peaceful.
 
I’m whisking myself away ,
Creating a mental picture.
 
I can go anywhere,
For imagination has
No limits.
 
I’m ignoring the
Noises.
The hustle and
Bustle of
A crowed
Restaurant.
 
I’m ignoring
The dizziness
Ignoring the headache.
 
Trying not
To focus on
The banging
Clanging
Voices
Can’t breathe-
 
Heart racing
Mind numbing
Tunnel vision
 
Blinking back
The black spots
 
People behind me
Reaching for
Knives
Kill my family
 
Can’t breathe-
Swirling
Always swirling
Not hungry
Have to escape
 
Run
Hide
Disappear
 
Feel hot and cold
Flushed
Dizzy
 
Good thing
I’m sitting
Down
Or i might
Pass out
 
Watch
Buzzes
Heart rate
To fast
 
Can’t slow down
Racing
My mind
Have to
Pay
Attention to
The children
Need me
Can’t not be okay
For them
 
Calling my name
Snap out
Play their games
Sit on shaking
Hands
 
Mental picture
Dissipates
Fading
Popping into
Dark swirling
Mist.
 
No escape
Not yet
Chest feels
Tight
Legs shake
Can’t breathe
Trying not to
Hyperventilate
Hot
Hot hot hot
 
Take a sip of
Water
The burns my
Tongue with
Cold
But does nothing
To rid of the
Internal heat
And pressure
 
Can’t find
My mental picture.
It’s gone.
 
~ Stick 4-26-24

 

Spoiler

Little Sisters

 
Running, jumping,
Screaming
 
Makeup and dress up,
Stuffed animals and
Henna,
Playing games,
Out for dinner
 
Tic-tac-toe,
Drawing with crayons,
Fry-eating contests
 
Piggyback rides,
Belting contests,
The Greatest Showman
 
Tiny sticky fingers,
Capturing your own,
Tugging you along,
Back to the land
Of princess, of house
Of school-
 
Looking up at you
Bright grey-blue eyes,
Through them,
You can do no wrong
 
“I love you.”
A quiet whisper
During movie time
On the couch.
 
Words that shoot
Through your veins,
Straight to the heart,
Warming you through and
Through, even as they scoot closer.
 
“You’re so good at everything!”
“Can you teach me?”
“You’re so smart!”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Can you put henna on me
Pleeeease?”
“Can we make bracelets?”
“Can you carry me?”
“You’re so strong!”
“Look what I made you!
It’s special, just for
You!”
 
Tiny sisters,
So young,
Sweet,
Innocent.
My beautiful sisters,
Unrelated to me,
But mine all the same.
 
~ Stick 4-28-24
 
 
 

(more later)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...