Scars Writing Channel

[Scars of Hathsin he/him]

So this is my first time posting something I wrote for a competition recently. I don't think it was my best work, and I think that one of my drafts were better, I am looking for some feedback though on my writing style.

A Fathers Grief:

Spoiler

Arranis lay curled up in the Everything, the place that made up the space in between universes, the place that made anything and everything in the multiverse. His body racked in spasms of grief, tears streaming down his face, his face contorted in odd ways, trying to express a grief that no one else could understand. One completely new to him. He draws in a shuddering breath, his body quivering, ready to send him back into the spasms. Another breath, a calming breath, a breath to try and stop the pain. “Desouled animals” he yells into the unknown. “How could you do this to a boy” he says in a softer voice, pain showing at the edges of his words. Tears stream down his face, catching in the hollows under his eyes, as he lay there. “Why O’ great goddess did this happen to me” he pleads, hoping against hope, that she was real. Something he had not considered before this point, even after living in, that, world for so long.

 

More breaths, and shivering. More spasms that rack his body, but against it all he stands, convulsing. An ember of fire showing in his eyes. Eyes that seemed to bore into anything, making anything want to shrink into itself to get away from the intensity. The fire lights inside of him, stemming some of the grief that raced through his body, like a flood after a storm. A fire that was fuelled by the grief, anger, and rage that filled a parent when their child was in danger, or had, had been lost to the depths of the Nothing. The place that everything went when they died. He glances at the rings on his finger, each one symbolising someone important to him. One of which now glowed the black void of death, the other 2 glowing with the soft white light of life. “Yo-yo-you de-de-desouled bastards” he yells once again into the Everything, his own voice running away from him, like leaves before a storm. Arranis gathers himself, tears still streaming down his face, both tears of anger and grief. He grabs them and flings them into the furnace that burned in the centre of his chest, his heart, the place that ached the most. He stokes the fires that burn in his heart, reaching into himself, reaching for the power that had gotten him to the Everything in the first place. He glows a multihued glow, and the memories flood back to him.

**

Aiden splashing him in the lake that sat near their ramshackle house, his laughter echoing of the trees that formed a barrier around the lake, protecting it from the prying eyes of others.

Aiden being born, and holding him for the first time, knowing what a special and lucky person he was, so special and lucky for being this little fella’s dad.

Aiden’s firsts steps, and his first time going on a fishing trip, and not wanting to hurt the creatures that always seemed to end up on his rod, and not Arranis’s.

Him solemnly telling him, “I love you Daddy”

Aiden holding his little brother for the first time, and the amazement that lit up his face. The pure joy that seemed to emanate from him.

His innocence.

His passion.

His love.

His laughter.

 

Aiden laying dead on the path, the arrow shot from the treacherous person behind him, sticking out from his back, his face shocked, scared, frightened. His last words. “Daddy?” The anger that had enveloped him, but had led to him being teleported away, back to safety, the anger that now was under control and wanted revenge.

**

The multihued glow travels up Arranis’s body, enveloping him, bringing him knowledge of what he could do to the people that had wronged him. His laughs internally, a cruel smile splitting his face. “You better watch out” he mutters underneath his breath, thinking of the pain that he could enforce upon the traitorous countrymen, the damned alien Haki, and the other multiverse travellers that hunted him. The multihued glow condenses in his palm, forming a ball of light that lit up everything nearby, which was nothing much. He tosses at the ground, and a pillar of light splits the sky, the borders blurring with the world that he was going to, the place that had deprived him of his child. He steps through, the smile still lighting up his face, seen by the people that greet him on the other side of the portal. Swords flashing into existence, dropping into his waiting hands.

He lunges at the closest person, who happened to be the Haki. Who had no time to react, and fell just as quickly as Arranis had leapt at him. His swords flash as his cuts one of those arrows out of the air. Each one as thick as a man’s wrist, with a heavy iron tip, meant to kill instantly. He stares at the person that shot him, his face being burned into Arranis’s mind, his hooked nose, blond hair, and his hazel eyes. Staring defiantly at him.

Your dead he thinks to himself. His gaze panicky almost, his eyes bloodshot, and dilated. The other man ran. Smart choice Arranis thinks to himself, chasing after him. But not smart enough. Arranis chases the man, the other mercenaries left behind him, chasing the man that killed his boy. He roars, a sound of pain and anger. He reaches the trees where the man had fled, finding him on the ground, his ankle rolled from a tree root that lay in the path. “P-please don’t kill me, I have children to look after” the man stutters. “I do too, but you killed one of them” Arranis says his bloodshot, dilated eyes staring back at the man. His sword comes flashing down, only to be met by a flash of light, as the man Travels. Arranis stares at the spot he had been. “I will find you I promise”

I had a limit of 1000 words or so I thought, it was changed to 1500 and I did not notice, but could I have some feedback?

[RoyalBeeMage he/him]

5 hours ago, Scars of Hathsin said:

So this is my first time posting something I wrote for a competition recently. I don't think it was my best work, and I think that one of my drafts were better, I am looking for some feedback though on my writing style.

A Fathers Grief:

  Hide contents

Arranis lay curled up in the Everything, the place that made up the space in between universes, the place that made anything and everything in the multiverse. His body racked in spasms of grief, tears streaming down his face, his face contorted in odd ways, trying to express a grief that no one else could understand. One completely new to him. He draws in a shuddering breath, his body quivering, ready to send him back into the spasms. Another breath, a calming breath, a breath to try and stop the pain. “Desouled animals” he yells into the unknown. “How could you do this to a boy” he says in a softer voice, pain showing at the edges of his words. Tears stream down his face, catching in the hollows under his eyes, as he lay there. “Why O’ great goddess did this happen to me” he pleads, hoping against hope, that she was real. Something he had not considered before this point, even after living in, that, world for so long.

 

More breaths, and shivering. More spasms that rack his body, but against it all he stands, convulsing. An ember of fire showing in his eyes. Eyes that seemed to bore into anything, making anything want to shrink into itself to get away from the intensity. The fire lights inside of him, stemming some of the grief that raced through his body, like a flood after a storm. A fire that was fuelled by the grief, anger, and rage that filled a parent when their child was in danger, or had, had been lost to the depths of the Nothing. The place that everything went when they died. He glances at the rings on his finger, each one symbolising someone important to him. One of which now glowed the black void of death, the other 2 glowing with the soft white light of life. “Yo-yo-you de-de-desouled bastards” he yells once again into the Everything, his own voice running away from him, like leaves before a storm. Arranis gathers himself, tears still streaming down his face, both tears of anger and grief. He grabs them and flings them into the furnace that burned in the centre of his chest, his heart, the place that ached the most. He stokes the fires that burn in his heart, reaching into himself, reaching for the power that had gotten him to the Everything in the first place. He glows a multihued glow, and the memories flood back to him.

**

Aiden splashing him in the lake that sat near their ramshackle house, his laughter echoing of the trees that formed a barrier around the lake, protecting it from the prying eyes of others.

Aiden being born, and holding him for the first time, knowing what a special and lucky person he was, so special and lucky for being this little fella’s dad.

Aiden’s firsts steps, and his first time going on a fishing trip, and not wanting to hurt the creatures that always seemed to end up on his rod, and not Arranis’s.

Him solemnly telling him, “I love you Daddy”

Aiden holding his little brother for the first time, and the amazement that lit up his face. The pure joy that seemed to emanate from him.

His innocence.

His passion.

His love.

His laughter.

 

Aiden laying dead on the path, the arrow shot from the treacherous person behind him, sticking out from his back, his face shocked, scared, frightened. His last words. “Daddy?” The anger that had enveloped him, but had led to him being teleported away, back to safety, the anger that now was under control and wanted revenge.

**

The multihued glow travels up Arranis’s body, enveloping him, bringing him knowledge of what he could do to the people that had wronged him. His laughs internally, a cruel smile splitting his face. “You better watch out” he mutters underneath his breath, thinking of the pain that he could enforce upon the traitorous countrymen, the damned alien Haki, and the other multiverse travellers that hunted him. The multihued glow condenses in his palm, forming a ball of light that lit up everything nearby, which was nothing much. He tosses at the ground, and a pillar of light splits the sky, the borders blurring with the world that he was going to, the place that had deprived him of his child. He steps through, the smile still lighting up his face, seen by the people that greet him on the other side of the portal. Swords flashing into existence, dropping into his waiting hands.

He lunges at the closest person, who happened to be the Haki. Who had no time to react, and fell just as quickly as Arranis had leapt at him. His swords flash as his cuts one of those arrows out of the air. Each one as thick as a man’s wrist, with a heavy iron tip, meant to kill instantly. He stares at the person that shot him, his face being burned into Arranis’s mind, his hooked nose, blond hair, and his hazel eyes. Staring defiantly at him.

Your dead he thinks to himself. His gaze panicky almost, his eyes bloodshot, and dilated. The other man ran. Smart choice Arranis thinks to himself, chasing after him. But not smart enough. Arranis chases the man, the other mercenaries left behind him, chasing the man that killed his boy. He roars, a sound of pain and anger. He reaches the trees where the man had fled, finding him on the ground, his ankle rolled from a tree root that lay in the path. “P-please don’t kill me, I have children to look after” the man stutters. “I do too, but you killed one of them” Arranis says his bloodshot, dilated eyes staring back at the man. His sword comes flashing down, only to be met by a flash of light, as the man Travels. Arranis stares at the spot he had been. “I will find you I promise”

I had a limit of 1000 words or so I thought, it was changed to 1500 and I did not notice, but could I have some feedback?

i love the multiverse trading hub refrence and the marina's echo one. 

[Scars of Hathsin he/him]

I got some feedback by the Comp. 

Spoilered for length

Spoiler

What we liked:

● Engaging start: The beginning of your narrative is incredibly engaging. You
demonstrated a strong control over the exposition here, as you placed the audience into
the abstract world in the middle of the action. This left the reader with questions - both
about the world and the character - which compelled us to read further and become
engrossed within the narrator’s grief. You balanced description of the nature of emotions
with the narrator’s physical movements effectively. The intensity of the emotions and pain
themselves played a key role in solidifying this interest, and you did a good job at
displaying the gut-wrenching nature of loss. I liked that this emotional engagement
happens in a metaphysical space rather than the real world - it conveys how grief can
often be inexplicable as a subtle conceptual detail, well done!

● Artful portrayal of grief: One of the greatest strengths of your story is your evocative
conceptualisation of grief, which forms a strong central concept within the narrative. I like
that you explored the various facets and manifestations of grief - all the associated
emotions like anger and helplessness, as well as the great physical impact on an
individual. Your use of spasms as a physical motif was an effective narrative device in this
regard, as it emphasised the depth of impact caused by the narrator’s loss of his son. The
way in which these spasms continued as he provided more insight into the death itself
was quite powerful, evoking a strong sense of empathy for the narrator. This provided the
audience many opportunities to connect with him.

● Character development: As the grief progressed and became better conceptualised,
you also progressed the narrator’s emotions and motivations at a corresponding pace.
You had some really unique elements within this aspect of your story, which showcased
your creativity and passion. I like the visual symbol of the glow, and how you use this as a
trigger to explore a flashback of the son. Transforming this hue into a power, driven
essentially by the father’s anger as well as love, was a great way to flesh out a complex
character arc in a limited word count. As you had already established a strong sense of
motivation and empathy in the prior sections, the father’s violence in the third part was
well justified and the audience was able to maintain their connection with him. Overall,
this made him a very compelling narrator, and the absence of specific details extends
this, as he can be considered a representative for individuals who face loss in general.
The relatability of the way in which you explore this concept shows the strength of your
central concept, adding depth to the emotional impact of your narrative!

 

What you can keep working on:

● Contextualising the world: While the initial abstract world was quite compelling, this
became a point of confusion in the third section of the narrative. As you have a strong
central concept, it can be challenging to undertake complex world building within the

same narrative, as this requires a lot more word count. Consider
the context for the fictive world and aspects like the Haki aliens
and whether they contribute to your narrative as a whole. I would recommend treating
them as a metaphor or symbol for an unnamed cause of death for the boy, as this would
be much easier to execute within the limited word count of a short story, and will lend
itself better to solidifying your established central concept surrounding grief.

● Expanding memories: I thought the flashback to the father’s memories with his son was
such a wonderful addition to the narrative, but I wish that this section had more detail! It
was a good idea to focus on key moments that he recalled, so I would recommend
expanding on these to further their emotional impact. Use more description and sensory
imagery to make these memories more evocative, as this will allow you to emphasise the
father’s love for his son, as well as the pain he feels upon recalling such dear moments.
Remember that small details are crucial to making memories seem more authentic and
realistic - you can include things like the sound of Aiden’s voice, the colour of his
favourite toys, or terms of endearment he used for his father. Ultimately, this will enhance
the audience’s connection with the narrator, and provide them with additional insight into
his relationship with his son. This will also strengthen your central concept and provide a
better conception of why the father’s grief holds such intensity.

● Dialogue formatting: Another minor detail to work on would be the formatting of your
dialogue. By convention, when including external dialogue, you should start a new line in
your story, and add an indent to indicate this. You should also have a paragraph space
between each line of dialogue. It was wise to limit the amount of dialogue in the earlier
sections, and I would recommend the same in the final section. While dialogue is
challenging to write in general, it is particularly tricky in action sequences like the one in
the climax of your narrative. Replacing any external dialogue with internal dialogue or
more description will often be more effective and maintain the reader’s immersion in the
climactic moment.

 

Overall comment:

Overall, your story is a very evocative portrayal of the intensity and multifaceted nature of grief.
By developing a strong central concept and protagonist surrounding this concept, you
showcased your creativity and attention to detail. To further improve this, you can work on
expanding the flashback to enhance the story’s emotional impact and consider the potential in
the external elements of your world to function as symbols to relate back to your central
concept. Thank you for your submission!