20141027 - Fruits of the Gods Ch1(2964) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

I submitted this to Reading Excuses in June.  This version includes the edits from comments, but has a lot of new content as well.  Looking for any comments!
Thanks.

[Lord Juugatsu]

Lord Juugatu's disclaimer: The following are my opinion, thoughts, and observations on the piece as I read it. It is your obligation as the writer to interpret, use, or discard this information as you see fit.

I never saw the previous version, so this is my first experience with Fruits of the Gods. It's certainly intriguing. I wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet, and the genre or central plot is vague for me, but I like the world building present. Fruit is magical, signs of (what I was reading as) magical aptitude is apparent based on darker colored hair, slavery is a common enough thing. Also the names came across for me as unique, far from the typical fantasy names I'm used to seeing, they seemed to me kind of a cross between older, Mesopotamian names with something like Arabic names, perhaps? I'm curious as to where they came from, if they aren't improvised.

As a whole, I don't have any major comments on the writing itself, as it seemed to flow pretty smooth, with the exception of a hiccup around the start of the second page, "Kisare turned quickly at her sister's tug her sleeve." Might just have been me, but I had to read it like three times before I was able to understand the flow of it properly. If no one else has any issues, no big deal, but figured I'd point it out. It's a really micro thing, however.

At this point, the only thing I can really see forming from this chapter one is that the plot will have something to do with what was buried under the tree. I don't know if escaping from slavery will be a major plot point, or just part of the earlier chapters.

I'd definitely read another chapter or so further and see where the story goes if this was a book in front of me, but chapter 1 in and of itself didn't sell me because the world building was nice, but I didn't really feel any progress and the plot is still elusive to me.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Lord Juugatsu

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback!  You're on the right track as to where the story is going.  You'll see some more development in the second chapter, so I'm interested to see what you think next week and if it hooks you better.

 

The names are Babylonian inspired.  A lot of them come directly from recorded names.  Glad you liked them.

[Sprouts]

I decided to go back and read the previous chapters before moving on to your new ones.  

 

Seeing as how I've read one of the later chapters, I can't give you a great impression of what this would be like reading without knowing anything at the start.  However, I was hooked pretty fast by the box in the ground and your description of the various characters besides the sisters. 

 

Your description of the side characters, from Aricaba-Ata to Shuma and the big blond slave were wonderful and did a great job a setting up the world and giving it life.  Particularly Ata.  He never game off to me as evil for evil's sake.  More of as an ambitious man taking advantage of the situation and society he was a part of.  Definitely made him more well rounded for me.

 

I felt like the sisters on the other hand were a little easy to get mixed up, even though I had a general idea of who they were already.  At one point later in the chapter when Kisare mentions how Belili flitted between thoughts and ideas, yet was older, I was confused for a moment as I had mixed the two up in my mind.  It's less that Kisare, the POV isn't defined and more that Belili never gets a good moment to establish who she is.

 

I agree with Juugatsu on the names.  Very inspired and original and as a rare bonus in fantasy, believable and pronounceable. 

 

I'll also note as a first chapter it seemed to lack a concrete ending to hook me.  The sister's mentioned some plans about the box a page or so before the end but the chapter focused on the whipped slave as it concluded.  I think I would have been hooked more effectively if it had ended with a focus on what they are planning to do.  Though my thoughts on that may change as I read later chapters.

 

Good stuff.  On to the next one .

Edited January 7, 2015 by Sprouts

[Mandamon he/him]

Sprouts - Thanks for the extra effort!

The lack of hook seems to be the general consensus on the first chapter.  Originally it progressed faster, but the readers then thought it was too fast!  Now I need to find a balance between the two...

I'll also be able to round out both girls' personalities in the beginning better now that I am most of the way finished writing it (up to 71K words today).  I tend to be more of a discovery-writer with personalities than with plots.

[Sprouts]

I figured reading through the early chapters would help me give better advice later.

 

I actually thought the pacing of it was pretty good.  The worldbuilding was effective and fit with the flow of activity on the plantation.  For me the lack of a hook lay more in the realm of the chapter ending on a more mundane note.  It was a well-written ending and I admired it for that.  But it felt more like the end of a later chapter, less of the book-opening chapter.  

 

Congratulations on the 71K words, that's crazy impressive.  I was feeling proud of hitting 13K on Thinker earlier today.  Currently the longest thing I've ever written.  Can't imagine what 71K feels like.  

[Mandamon he/him]

Good comments.  So maybe I'll just focus on the ending of the chapter instead--probably bring the focus back to the box again.

 

Just keep plugging away at the writing--you'll get there!  I've been keeping a daily wordcount for this book.  It helps me stay consistent in writing and gives me a sense of satisfaction when I reach those goals.  

[Robinski he/him]

Congratulations on the 71K words, that's crazy impressive.  I was feeling proud of hitting 13K on Thinker earlier today.  Currently the longest thing I've ever written.  Can't imagine what 71K feels like.  

 

Someone (Gaiman, OSC, King?) said "Writers write." It's that simple. If you don't write, you're not a writer. It's not rocket science, if it was, there would be math - and less writing. Just keep doing it, one day, 71k will be far behind you.

 

It's not how much you write that matters, of course, but you still have to do the words to practice. Someone else (King?) said that you have to write (and discard?) a million words to reach a level of competancy. Obviously that's going to be different for different people but, clearly, was said (by whoever) to make a point. You DO need to practice.

 

My first novel took me 10 years to finish and another 3 to revise. It's currently 225,000 words and I'll never submit it because I know it's not publishable. I learned that from my first 3 months listening to Writing Excuses. Now my writing log tells me I'm at 943,000 words all-in (roughly - I've been writing a long time, kids). I've learned an absolutel ton(ne), but I know I'll never stop learning, or stop writing.

 

If you're a writer you will always write, regardless of word count, of submision or publication, regardless of whether anyone ever reads it. You will always write.

[Sprouts]

Someone (Gaiman, OSC, King?) said "Writers write." It's that simple. If you don't write, you're not a writer. It's not rocket science, if it was, there would be math - and less writing. Just keep doing it, one day, 71k will be far behind you.

 

If you're a writer you will always write, regardless of word count, of submision or publication, regardless of whether anyone ever reads it. You will always write.

 

Great stuff Robinski.  I agree completely.  I've been pounding away at it each day and am having an absolute blast feeling it progress.  I took a break after Human Gods to work on programming interests, work, and school.  But I'm back to writing, and hope to make it a habit.

 

As a note on something I find interesting about writing (for me).  Oftentimes I'll have the chapter plotted out in a collection of sentences that describe what I want the character to do.  Then during the actual writing it becomes less of just describing those events and more of discovering how my characters are going to accomplish them in the moment.  No idea if what I just wrote makes sense at all.  But it's something that I've been feeling for a while.  Good or bad.  It's an odd feeling.  

[Robinski he/him]

It certainly does to me. I start each project with a sketch of the character, their background and motivations, and also a plot outline of where I think things will go - but they don't always go there in the course of the book. Sometimes characters don't do what you want them to do or in the way you think they'll do it, and it's just plain weird, but fun!

[Mandamon he/him]

As a note on something I find interesting about writing (for me).  Oftentimes I'll have the chapter plotted out in a collection of sentences that describe what I want the character to do.  Then during the actual writing it becomes less of just describing those events and more of discovering how my characters are going to accomplish them in the moment.  No idea if what I just wrote makes sense at all.  But it's something that I've been feeling for a while.  Good or bad.  It's an odd feeling.  

 

Yep--I do something similar.  I start with a general outline and character description, then as I write, I'm adding little sentences here and there of places I want to go during the story.  Of course sometimes the characters have different ideas...

 

 

My first novel took me 10 years to finish and another 3 to revise. It's currently 225,000 words and I'll never submit it because I know it's not publishable. I learned that from my first 3 months listening to Writing Excuses. Now my writing log tells me I'm at 943,000 words all-in (roughly - I've been writing a long time, kids). I've learned an absolutel ton(ne), but I know I'll never stop learning, or stop writing.

 

Sounds very familiar.  My first novel (the original version of Seeds of Dissolution, which also took about 10 years) was 204,000 words and also unpublishable.  I don't have a complete writing log, but a quick tally of all the pieces I've written totals to around 726,000 words.  Maybe 750,000 if you include rewrites and other bits and pieces.

So when we hit a million we automatically get published, right?  That's how it works?

[Robinski he/him]

So when we hit a million we automatically get published, right?  That's how it works?

 

That's my understanding, I've written my letter of resignation and planned how to spend my first million, all I need to do now is copy and paste my last completed project, then search and replace the names.

 

I'll recommend you to my agent and publisher.

 

(lmao)

[Mark]

Hey Mandamon, sorry for being late to this but I want to start from the beginning. I've avoided all other comments in order to give an unbiased critique.

 

I'm getting a serious Sanderson-vibe here, which I love. Especially the whole hair thing. Excellent world-building, I must say I'm intrigued. The only issues I've spotted are mostly small things. 

 

For example, "He wasn't too swift." isn't grammatically correct, and is clunky.

 

Another would be, ""What could it be?  Can it help us?"  Kisare rolled her eyes". Having 'Kisare' right after Bel speaks is a bit confusing. I thought it was her speaking. I was kind of thrown, and had to read it a couple of times. It broke my immersion a tad.

 

The runaway slave's punishment was brutal. Made me wince, but I liked it. Really got across how harsh their lives are.

 

The hollow thump got me hooked, too. And combined with the noble's cruelty, I want it to be something that helps them escape, or rise up. The important part is that I want it to be something, which shows I've become invested. I'll read the next part, and comment on your other post.