Fragile as haze. Mistborn fanfic.

[Ianastor01]

Hello again, this time I bring you the first part of the fanfic. I plan to publish it in full once it's finished, but would appreciate feedback on the prose.
In Spanish, I imitated Sanderson's type of writing, however, when it comes to translation, I can see how adaptation can have some problems. I used Google Doocks Auto Translate and spent half the month fixing what I noticed was wrong, but I still have some questions.
In Spanish we usually try to avoid repeating words, especially pronouns. As we have words that refer to the person themselves, such as:

"He carried his leather backpack, a wooden plate on his chest, his purse and a dueling staff that he hid behind the tentacles of his cloak."

in Spanish it is

"Llevaba su mochila de cuero, una placa de madera en el pecho, su monedero y un bastón de duelo que ocultaba detrás de los tentáculos de su capa"

And I was wondering if the extra pronouns were normal, or just me not knowing how to adapt the text correctly.

 

Also, the protagonist name, Calima, is synonymous with a specific type of fog, which unfortunately has no English version, and I was wondering if it would be better to leave it that way, or call it mist, fog, or haze. 

 

This and other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Fragile as haze, part one.pdf

[Lunamor she/her]

For your first question, the English sentence is phrased correctly. Including a reference to the person doing the action in that context is required, which can be a pronoun. In your fan fiction, everything on the first page follows the pronoun rules for verbs correctly.

For the second question, I think that Calima is a beautiful name! It would work well to leave it as that, in my opinion.

I may add some additional suggestions later if I have time.

Edited January 23, 2024 by Lunamor

[Ianastor01]

Part 2 is finished. 
The pdf has part 1 and 2. 

Here are some drawings of the main 3 protagonists 



Fragile as Haze, part 2.pdf.