A short story--The Five Aspects

[mail-mi he/him]

The Five Aspects:

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ub7gYASrZqD2RR7uuR7POB6p8yJ8IqxKoUvMxOvh0Zs/edit?usp=sharing

 

Please critique, I'm always wanting to get better (no, never better than brandon that's not even possible, but maybe just a little bit less good  )!

 

EDIT: link should work now, sorry guys :-/

Edited September 20, 2014 by mail-mi

[Jo and the Bush all/any]

Hmm... Well, My main dislike with the story is when I follow that Link, It says I don't have permission to View the Story. If you could change that I'll gladly read it.

 

Also, Nice tags.

[Kasimir he/him]

Agreed with Joe. I think you may need to make it public, mail-mi

[mail-mi he/him]

Agreed with Joe. I think you may need to make it public, mail-mi

oh my gosh. I should probably fix that....

 

fixed it

Edited September 20, 2014 by mail-mi

[Jo and the Bush all/any]

Alright, I like it. I assume the fifth Aspect is Mind or something similar? I do like the plot as well. But why is he called the Shi Master?

[mail-mi he/him]

Alright, I like it. I assume the fifth Aspect is Mind or something similar? I do like the plot as well. But why is he called the Shi Master?

Just because

[Kasimir he/him]

I would have to say I found it rather interesting, but at the same time, it raises a lot of questions. Sometimes, it feels as though it's not that easy to understand the magic system apart from the Aspects, though that might be just me. I generally enjoyed it, but I have to say that it seemed to hang there, in a sort of inexplicable way. Why are they fighting? Why is the Shi Master making her repeat the fight again and again? I feel like there's more to be filled in before it basically ends up a short-story of a fight, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself as I find this interesting, but at the same time, it seems more could be done with it.

[mail-mi he/him]

I would have to say I found it rather interesting, but at the same time, it raises a lot of questions. Sometimes, it feels as though it's not that easy to understand the magic system apart from the Aspects, though that might be just me. I generally enjoyed it, but I have to say that it seemed to hang there, in a sort of inexplicable way. Why are they fighting? Why is the Shi Master making her repeat the fight again and again? I feel like there's more to be filled in before it basically ends up a short-story of a fight, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself as I find this interesting, but at the same time, it seems more could be done with it.

I am planning on doing more with it, but for now (while I work on other stuff), it's just a short story. Thanks for reading it!

[mail-mi he/him]

Update: I am writing a prequel to this that shows another aspect (pun intended) of the world of Lyrm, and I think at some point I will combine that and the Five Aspects, add in the stuff in the middle, then make it into a novel or three. 

[anonymous2017]

Issues with grammar:

 

1. Too many sentences started the same way: "It", "Chy", "She", "Suddenly" etc.

 

2. Not enough sentence variety. Too many simple or compound sentences. Not enough complex or compound-complex.

 

3. Wording. At some points, I lose the flow of the story and begin to skim over the words.

 

4. Too many adverbs. Not enough verbals.

 

5. Discrepancies in slang.

 

6. And of course, little mistakes in spelling, simple grammar, and logical sentence construction. Nothing an editor can't fix.

 

Issues with content:

 

1. Unclarity of scene. When I read this and try to imagine it all, it's like an old cinematic dream: white sky and completely unnaturally placed scenery, as if it were a setup for an onstage play.

 

2. Characters seem one-dimensional.

 

3. Magic system needs to be better defined. Continuing with that, everything in a book that is unfamiliar to a reader must either be defined from the start or presented as mysterious intentionally.

 

Solving the grammar issues:

 

1. Find areas of the story that show this repetitive pattern and reword the sentence. For example, "She wasted no time with small talk" could be rewritten as "Wasting no time with small talk... (continued action)" or "There was no time to waste with small talk.", since her reply is implied.

 

2. All of your sentences are essentially subject-verb constructs. Try adding more dependent clauses.

 

3. Think over each paragraph carefully after you have completed the first draft. Ask yourself, do I need this paragraph at all or could it be said a better or more interesting way?

 

4. Suddenly! Desperately! Immediately! You might consider using more verbal phrases/clauses than generic adverbs.

 

5. Story continually switches from slang to informal to proper speech in the narration and the dialog. Not explicitly noticeable unless you are a lover of linguistics. Before you begin a book, you might first do some research and thinking on the language and dialect and slang of your characters. This really isn't a huge problem though.

 

6. The solution to all grammar mistakes is to follow the ten steps of writing: plan, write, rewrite, rerewrite, edit, edit some more, have someone else edit it, rewrite massive sections just for clarity of thought, edit again, repeat 3-9 as necessary.

 

Solving the content issues:

 

1. The key here is subtlety. You have this excellent action scene here and you don't want to take away from it. However, you need to add some details in so the reader can envision it like watching a film, or better, like living it! Often, it is a simple matter of implying the details. For example, if you had a character running though a forest for their life, instead of directly stating that the orange leaves have fallen all over the ground because its Autumn (which takes away from the action of the moment), you could imply the details of the background by mentioning the temperature or the slickness of the ground as the character runs. From this, the reader can piece "cold" and "slimy soil" with "leafless trees" and "decaying leaves all over the forest floor" without you ever mentioning these things. Implication is truly a wonderful thing.

 

2. Here's the thing: your characters are warrior-minded and think best in times of danger or urgency. Yet, if your characters aren't overly emotionally and mentally engaged during this battle, how can they possibly be so when not in battle and still seem realistic. Listen to the words of Autticus Finch: “You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them”. Same applies to characters. Before they can have a life of their own, you need to be their life.

 

3. Learn from Brandon Sanderson about magic. How to do it: Mistborn. The concept of allomancy is obscure and mysterious in the beginning but soon revealed slowly as Vin first talks about her "luck", then when Kelsier reveals it all shortly after. How not to do it: The Rithmatist. It really bugged me during the first few chapters that Rithmatics was common knowledge to everyone but me, the reader.

 

Where you went right:

 

Everywhere. This is good. When I tell you that it is riddled with problems, I overlook the fact that the thrill of the tale makes them almost negligible. If you were to polish this up, add a whole lot more, and continue on with these characters, I would definitely read the book.

Edited October 29, 2014 by martyrboy

[mail-mi he/him]

Thanks so much for your critiques! I'll be sure to fix it up when I can. 

[mail-mi he/him]

So, I'm finally getting back to editing this. Martyrboy, if you please, I work much better if the edits and critiques are on the actual page. If it is possible to put your edits in comments on the actual paper, if you have time, that would be so awesome.