My Short Story

[Veledsier]

This is a short story I wrote, hope you like it!

One More Hit - Google Docs

[Cinnamon]

Lol. That was pretty funny. Very much a Christmas Carol vibes. I was sooooo confused though for the entire first section (I did not know it was about baseball) and I had no idea who Babe Ruth was until I googled it...  that's my problem though  The Hotdog stuff sounded like suff Kelsier would say

Edited March 31, 2023 by Cinnamon

[Veledsier]

Glad you liked it! I will say I was having Ruth channel his inner HOID, cause that's kinda who I based the character traits off of! Yeah, my families big on baseball!

LET'S GO PADRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The cheeseman Don't you dare go Hollow!]

This is a very heartwarming story. As a huge baseball fan, it was great to see you bring in Babe Ruth as a mirror of the angel from It's a Wonderful Life.

The only criticisms I have are nitpicks: 1) the formatting of the Doc itself was a little wonky, but mostly because it's very different from how I set up my Docs on Google. 2) For me, having the ages of the MCs children be in parentheses broke the flow of the story. My advice on that would be to find a way to work their ages into inner/spoken dialogue or to cut out the mention of their ages altogether, as it's not a necessary part of the story.

Overall, your writing voice is fairly well polished, and your story made me laugh, smile, and chuckle. Keep writing, the more time you spend on something, the better you'll get.

[Veledsier]

Thank you so much! I'll take your advice bout' the ages! What team do you like?

 

[Veledsier]

So glad you liked it!