S. Stormy she/her Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) Hello! I've been working on this story for a while. It's just a rough draft though, working on some edits. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qK6PI3WkeahRyehxmPiuM6lTvcSYeHLjyPbxykYjG6U/edit?usp=sharing Edited June 27, 2022 by Shallan Stormblessed Rephrasing 2
MysticWolf02 Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 I hope you don't mind since you linked it, but I took a look at the first few chapters. It seems really good so far. Keep writing!
Odiumiumium he/him Posted June 19, 2022 Posted June 19, 2022 I read it, and I think it's great! The twist is very satisfying, and caught me completely by surprise. Well done
S. Stormy she/her Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 (edited) Thanks! I'm hoping to Spoiler move the "getting powers" scene to the beginning. Because the reveal with Isame's betrayal and the confusing powers is very overwhelming. Oh weird putting something in spoilers for my own book... hehe. Edited June 20, 2022 by Shallan Stormblessed Rephrasing
Odiumiumium he/him Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Spoiler yeah that was a little unexpected, and honestly not too well set up. Perhaps it would help for Lia's mother to mention that a dragon's heart is "a powerful magical object", or something similar, as well as creating a stronger connection between dragons and light-related powers. That might help make the pay-off more satisfying and less overwhelming. Everything is a spoiler. yay!
S. Stormy she/her Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 Spoiler I'm gonna have Lia trigger powers immediately after she touches the heart. SPOILERS GALORE!
Odiumiumium he/him Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Spoiler That could definitely work, and would help with power escalation. Also, I just thought of it, the heart doesn't have much of a purpose, at least that Lia's mother mentions (but she might know about its powers, just didn't say anything.) Spoilers and spoilers!
S. Stormy she/her Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 By the way, I have updated my story. So if y'all want to read a more polished version, just click the link again. It should be different.
Odiumiumium he/him Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 So far, it sounds better, but some small things, you may have forgot to re-include that a dragon loses it's fire when they lose their heart during the conversation with Lia's mother, the dragon's name (I believe it was mentioned in the first draft) and that it's life is tied to the heart's fire. Overall though, Lia's reasons for restoring the heart are clearer than before. One (rather tedious) improvement would be to spend time and lengthen the story, so the character growth and conflict can be explored further (wowie, me using nerd words). I don't have a lot of writing experience, but I'd think that 33 pages is difficult to write a full story with. It's an impressive start, and it would be great if it had more room to work with. Keep on writing!
S. Stormy she/her Posted February 13, 2023 Author Posted February 13, 2023 18 minutes ago, FranktheTalkingAxe said: It's great. Rayllum ship ...What are you referring to?
S. Stormy she/her Posted February 14, 2023 Author Posted February 14, 2023 6 minutes ago, FranktheTalkingAxe said: Rayse and Kaladin, obviously. Nah its a dragon prince thing Well... um... why is it on this thread...?
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