People say I’m a teenager.

Am I?

Sometimes I still feel like that wide-eyed child

That looked at the world with hope

And wonder

Who didn’t care about ‘grades’ or ‘society’

Who didn’t fall asleep with those dreams

Who didn’t want to not want what he wanted

Who still preserved his innocence.

In Romeo And Juliet,

There’s quote

And I can’t quite remember what it says

But it goes along the lines of

‘Kids shouldn’t wake up early with worry,

That should be saved for adults.’

I still feel like that wide eyed kid.

And yet I feel like I’ve grown all up.

…

I walk through life with distance.

Never quite feeling my feelings.

I want to feel

But the moment I do

It’s shallow happiness that lasts for a moment

Or stress and worry the bog down my days.

Sometimes I feel like I’m all grown up

And never quite fit what I was supposed to be.

People say I’m teenager

And I look around and see them.

From the outside I must look like one

Socially inept

Closed off

Uncaring

But from the inside all I can do is care

And yet I can’t bring myself to care

All I do is care about my life

But I can’t bring myself to feel

Sometimes I feel so lonely

So rush for some quick happiness

Sure, it may be meaningless

But it might be the only respite I get

I go to bury myself in a world

Or maybe make 1 or 2

Anything to stop feeling

Because all I can do is feel

And yet I can’t bring myself to feel

I look at the world from the outside.

Want to know who I am.

I rush to express myself

To see a plastered fake part of me

Shown on a screen

I want to be remembered, to be known.

But humans aren’t just as simple

As what they show

They are full of contradictions

And with, I am human

They work to live on through memory

But will that ever truly be them?

Can you ever really see someone?

And know them truly?

Can you know all about them?

What they thought and why?

People say I’m a teenager.

And yet, I don’t believe them.

…

All I can do is write on your wall

Hope someone will see it.

I live fueled by a special part of me

That people dismiss with a swipe.

“A book can’t actually change your life”

But it certainly changed mine.

I want to do well, be who I want to be

But can I stay human doing that?

What even is a human?

And why do they do what they do?

Why even is a human?

And most importantly,

Who

Am

I

?

…

Maybe I don’t need to know.