ShinNoir

Syme, Interesting read. It is not my type of topic but I thought you did a good job with presenting both sides of the issue. As far as the experience goes it was a quick read and I was not bored at any of the parts. But I did suspect out at about page 9 when the Alan was going up to Roberts apartment that this was a trap, or that a shoe was going to drop. And when Robert shut the door, I knew it was a trap. And now for my disclaimer, I am an IT geek by trade and just starting in on this writing thing so take everything I say with a grain of salt. At the end I think I would have made Robert a little more insidious, a little more evil. Make him to be worse than a pervert. Say something like, Robert is also an addict but has made a deal with the local cops. Robert is aloud to feed his addiction just only every time he entraps another pervert. The positive point for the local cops from this deal is that they get good press for catching perverts. Perhaps this is all meant to be implied. Either way, good job. ~ShinNoir

Yados, Let me do my standard disclaimer, I am a IT geek and by no means a writer yet, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I absolutely loved the first chapter. The writing in it seemed very good and kept me engaged. I really enjoyed the line that Necromancers are better than cats. The only part that I had to stop and reread was the paragraph that starts with "Ghastly" It seems a bit off with him saying the line but having the sensation leave Lyan's mind. The second chapter, I was board with it by the 5th or 6th paragraph and found it difficult to get back into the story. I just eventually just skipped the rest of that chapter. The 3rd chapter, by the end I was trying to figure out what the main plot was going to be and if it was there I must have missed it. The conflict is there but it seems a little odd with out knowing what went on in the past or where exactly its going to. ~ShinNoir

AGW, I just finally had the chance to read your chapter, I enjoyed it. Just to be upfront, my background is in the military and IT and I am just starting to write so please take anything I say with a grain of salt. I personally didnt have a problem with the Pythia being the POV and not being active to the action. Though I might put her on a balcony instead of the ground floor. Most old churches and or public halls would have had a balcony or 2 which would lend more to her just watching the action than being involved in it as you would be if you were on the ground floor. Also for the reveal didnt really have much of an impact on me. Though I do like the line about arranging your own rescue. My problem was that in the beginning it seemed too friendly of a gathering. Then having the mood change as Silverwing makes the case on how they shouldnt trust Talvin. If they wouldnt trust an outsider why would they trust each other to not cut each others throat for a big enough payout. (Im thinking something like Batman, where the Joker kills off each of his accomplices for a bigger reward for himself) Or even kill another team that is competing against their livelihood. Another small issue the prince Talvin seems to fold way too easily. If he is a prince he should have experiences giving speeches and participating in debates. Even if he has not he surely would have had a tutor. He has no counter points and does not defend his position, he just folds and stammers. And when walking off the stage, looking crushed, I would have hoped that his tutor did a better job of teaching him how to hold himself, even looking royal in defeat. Make sense? Lastly, I personally dont think a bodyguard would have been so far away, perhaps take a look at any president's bodyguards movements in relation to the president or there is a really good autobiography on the man that was Churchill's bodyguard. Called "Churchill's Bodyguard". This might be helpful to you to better write Ashera. I hope this helps. ~ShinNoir

Much appreciated there FlashWrogan PS cant wait for the new DoctorWho episodes to come out.

Greetings Shardians, Where to start? Well I have so far read all of Sanderson's published works and I have really enjoyed each of the books. But that really doesn't have any real bearing on why I am here. You see I had this idea for a story. A really good one. But I am not the writer, just an IT geek. Therefore I had no clue as how to make it good. Then the thought came to me that I should hire Brandon as a writer's Sherpa guide. Then I found the Writing Excuses podcast and now the forums that I plan to abuse use to help me practice writing bad stories before I write my good idea. So let me thank you all ahead of time for letting me abuse bounce my work off of. ~ShinNoir