Verdance

These days, I look in the mirror and find myself a man of lies.

I must apologize in advance, I am feeling seriously depressed right now and that is making me dramatic and eloquent; I feel like taking this seriously. At some point I was always going to have to make this decision, and it's not one that I am enjoying making, but I don't really have a choice.

This was going to happen eventually. I am terrible at keeping secrets. Some of you may be aware I have some very loving, very conservative, very controlling parents. I have simultaneously defended and complained about them many, many times, but in the end, they love me very much and want what's best for me. Well, they have discovered this 17thShard account that I have, and they do not like it.  I cannot say that everything I have said on here is true. I have time and time again expressed opinions on religion, gender and sexuality, mental health, and other topics, and I can't really say that all of it is true. At my core, I lie through my teeth, supporting things I do not truly support, condemning things that I do not condemn, because if I don't, I won't have any friends. You all would dismiss me as hateful and ignorant and never speak to me again, because in some ways I am. I certainly don't hate any of you. I really can't believe that all of this is just some mental illness or something like that. Regardless, I can't keep pretending to support it in any capacity.

2 Peter 2:4-10 mentions a person from Genesis, Lot, who lived in the city of Sodom, an ancient city legendary for its degeneracy and violence. Lot was a follower of God who lived among these people, even becoming an arbiter or judge among them. In Genesis 18, Abraham barters with God, who is planning to destroy the city for its sin. After some time, God agrees that if ten righteous men can be found in Sodom, the city would be spared. Immediately after, the account cuts to Lot. Two male angels have been sent to his house to warn him about the coming destruction. Lot asks them to stay the night in his house for safety, but they refuse, accepting his food and sleeping in the courtyard. Later that night, a mob arrives at Lot's house. Their intentions towards the angels, or strangers, are not pure. Lot literally is in the process of bargaining away his daughters to the mob, but the angels blind the mob, and everyone escapes. 2nd Peter mentions what Lot was feeling: he was greatly distressed, because he loved all the people around him and yet wanted nothing to do with them. You all are not Sodom. But I certainly feel like Lot.

I cannot continue existing here on the Shard. Feel free to ban me or wipe my account, I can't say I won't care, it will hurt a lot. But I have already made this decision. 

After my father specifically violated my privacy, going through my posts, he was immediately shocked at what he saw. Lies. Beautiful lies, from a lonely little boy clinging desperately to some sort of friendship. Very, very convincingly. I cannot justify his anger. I am only glad he held his temper back physically, which he has not done in the past. He is watching, reading through everything I have said, joking or serious, lies or truth, and I'm about essentially stand trial for it. I would like to reiterate that I am 18 years old and would like to be allowed to make my own decisions, but I also would like to have a house and a bed and food and water, and it has been made very clear that enjoying those privileges is not compatible with any form of disobedience. 

Maybe I really am a hateful monster. I lie to everyone around me, just to cling to them and get something from them. Even when I try to show love, it's almost another form of manipulation. Are we all manipulating each other? On my way to the library where I am typing this, I passed a mother bird protecting her eggs, sitting a short ways away from the railroad track I was using to travel. I stopped, and watched as any time I drew nearby, she would puff herself up and screech at me. It took me a minute to register that I was the threat. I was the looming, dangerous monster who had not thirty seconds ago been screeching harsh lyrics in the woods at the top of my lungs. Why wouldn't she be wary around me? Everything I touch turns water into blood, I don't look away when the bough breaks, I don't really love, I just hate being alone. I am so very happy my parents have taken away my autonomy, my agency, my knives, so I can't hurt myself. And I hate it all the same. 

And when I return to some form of logical sanity, I just remember how self centered I am. It's not about me. I'm in this love hate relationship with absolutely everything in my life. And when it comes time to decide between the two, I will become the villain to you all. My parents will still see me as deceptive, hateful, cowardly, rebellious, and godless. You all will see me as nothing more than a hateful bigot.

There's nothing I really can do to change all this; again, I need a place to live. And in truth, I don't support anything LGBTQ. I really can't say that I believe everything the Bible teaches and say "happy pride month" in the same sentence. A fountain cannot spout both fresh and salt water. That doesn't mean I see any of you any less, if anything, right now I am the worst person on the planet in my own eyes. None of my scant morality, precious philosophy, or arrogant theology means anything without my faith. I cannot continue straddling a line, I have to choose between one or the other- and when my life is completely meaningless without Christ, I will choose Christ. 

No matter what any of you think of me, I still love you all, I still respect you all, I still appreciate you all. This is goodbye. Whether something I have said here violates Shard rules or not, I will not be returning. Thank you all so much for these few months. I sincerely wish you all the best.

- Noah.