Lightbearer

In general, everything readers don't know and is essential for characterization or plot should be reflected in the story somehow. If Z is a combat veteran, put two sentences at the very beginning to frame him as such. E.g. "he knew what sort the brightwolf before him was, he fought alongside them 8 years back in the Battle of Shatterhill. That memory made him scratch the wound on his back without thinking." or something. I didn't catch it from the story Yes, suck was a typo and I corrected it. I was giving an example to illustrate what I mean by showing. My point is, use variation between writing devices and remember many readers want to see the cool stuff. Then make the contrast between scenes more stark. Let P and Z be extra casual about the rats, maybe even scare them off. Then heighten tension with the centipede. I can tell they're friends. If other beta readers bring it up, you should consider putting their background story in the story. Having it here doesn't help the story itself. He's a source of chaos but a very honest one. He's fun and a real plot maker. Also he's likely small and cute and everybody likes dragons.

Overall: - I like the story's atmosphere and it's interesting. - Add more showing, reduce dialog. - Edit and tighten the writing, eliminate extra words and make it snappier Page 2: how is Z going to identify himself as a Seeker by talking to the alchemist? Is it part of the magic or is it obvious in their mannerisms? P.3: Firevein - cool word! In general, some of the writing feels like telling even though it's not telling as such. And you could be showing in the same number of words. For example, in pg. 4, the alchemist is instructing P. to find the relaxant by describing it through dialog. This feels like telling. Instead, you could do this: "the alchemist pointed a long red claw of a nail to the table (note characterization of alchemist), making Z and P turn to look. There, a blue swirl of liquid shone mysteriously inside a tall bottle tagged [insert name here]. Inside the blue swirl, tiny dots of light flowed around buffeted by an impossible current." This allows you to show the stuff to readers without the telling implied by dialog. Switch from dialog to graphical visuals as often as you can to create variation, especially when you have something worth showing off. Make characters point at stuff and then zoom on that stuff to show it to readers. Trim the dialog by removing inessential words. For instance in pg. 4, instead of “I don’t mind you waiting in the front, but you can leave and come back if you want to.”, you could have "wait out front or return later." While in real dialog you get a lot of filler, in stories it's best to have short and snappy sentences. Or even better, show the alchemist closing shop while telling the two visitors to return in 10 minutes. Then Z can say directly "we'll wait out front." Even if you decided to dramatize/show a scene, you can summarize portions of it, use action instead of dialog, show visuals instead of dialog - in general make dynamic switches where a different writing tool can help you send the point across just as well. You know where Kelsier meets Preservation, he could've told him "i am very upset with you." What he did was way more powerful "he decked the man." Dialog is not always the better option. Experiment with tools. Is the POV close 3rd? Perhaps you can make it closer by showing Z's reactions to what's going on because right now there's a bit of distance between him and the reader - I can't spot where it's coming from. Pg. 6: once the alchemist returns, Z is talking to her directly, no more whispering and using Tempter. Is that a continuity error? Pg. 6 last paragraph: "P. sighed" needs to be in a new paragraph since it's a different character performing the action. Edit and streamline. For example pg.8 “Alcohol?” P. blinked, surprise, then noticed Z. was offering him the vial that he’d bought. “No, I don’t drink on job. And stop trying to change the subject!” can be written as "P. blinked surprised as Z. offered him the vial. "I don't drink on the job. Don't try to change the subject!"" Pg. 9: using curiosity as a superpower is very cool but I don't get how curiosity enables Z to make deductions. The deduction isn't very obvious because you haven't foreshadowed his conclusion by showing the tower or the place where they are. Instead of feeling like an 'of course!' moment, it feels improvised. I don't follow the logic of the deduction. Okay, the hiding would be close, sure, but why the tower, what makes it good for something illegal and how did Z know it must be something illegal? If this curiosity power offers exceptional deduction abilities, I need to follow the logic. If it enables something like clairvoyance, i need to know that Z sees images. Pg. 11: conscious should be conscience Pg. 12: before they're attacked, you could create some tension by having them speak quietly and not much, stop to listen, hold their breath, show the place and make it ominous etc. Rise stakes and tension with the monsters too, e.g. "their rabid bite could turn a person insane." Make me fear for the protag. Pg. 13: motivations and character observations about each other don't need to be included in on-the-nose dialog. You can keep them internalized as close POV thoughts or show them through actions. For example, you can say "Z didn't mean to complain but that cut had been close. "I'd be more careful with that sword," he told the man, "if you want the customer alive and able to pay you." Pg. 13: if Z is protected against harm like he says, why is he complaining/worried? It makes him sound a bit fussy. Now it's too late for me to fear for him especially if I didn't fear before the kerfuffle. Pg. 14: why is P assuming Z hates whitchbeasts? It feels like it's only to give him an occasion to explain the conflict with the witch. But that conflict can be explained well as Z's inner thoughts in a closer POV. E.g. "the witch's presence nearby made Z's skin twitch and crinkle in distaste. The abomination used moonlight to twist life itself, spawning more dark creatures." You don't have to have Z explaining this to P, who presumably already knows about it since he lives in the same world. Pg. 14: P's standpoint that witches don't distort life feels like a strawman in the presence of monstrous rats who attack people, especially after said rats tried to kill him. Pg.15: If T. is an abomination and Z has such strong opinions on him, how come he's willing to adopt T as a pet? Normally people aren't so tolerant. Unless there's a story that motivates his choice. Pg. 18: Z's thoughts during battle are long, orderly sentences. Write shorter, choppier sentences to heighten tension. Also he's guessing what his new partner wants him to do, which is improbable. More likely he'd think the man set him up for a trap or would just get scared. Pg. 19: T is definitely my favorite character. Pg.20: I still have trouble visualizing how everyone looks like. Hope this helps, happy to answer questions.

Sorry for coming late to the party, Gerard here. Here's my feedback (please note i am bad with names). The good parts: - very atmospheric writing, especially the intro in the woods - cool world, promising magic system; did I read it right that this world doesn't have daylight at all but only 2 moons? - the intro was intriguing and I was ready to continue reading had there been more About the characters: - I couldn't visualize the pet and it's a shame because I was curious; a good description right after he's introduced wouldn't hurt. Also when he goes hhh, I'm not sure how to read that. Maybe describe it once, e.g. it's a hiss? - the Brightwolf was a jerk - if that was the intention, well done. - I couldn't relate to the MC; hook me to his inner world. I have no idea what he's doing, what he thinks, what drives him. Sure, I get there's something mysterious about the town but I don't care yet. I also don't understand why he got to the Guild and asked about the brightwolf he just met, as if that was his point for getting there. Give me some cool bits to keep me interested. - All male cast is intentional? There are no women in the village at all? About execution: - After the intro, I had trouble visualizing what was going on. - After the MC got to the Guild, I lost track of what was going on and couldn't see the people. The dialog felt a bit like talking heads. Ground the speakers more; if they're not critical for the story later on, instead of giving them names I need to remember, use identifiers, e.g. 'the curly gruff man'. - Here and there the writing was a bit wordy. While in the opening it was very atmospheric, the wordiness didn't carry well where things got crowded. For instance, instance of saying 'X said this' and then adding a beat, simply use the beat instead of 'said'. Streamline and make it a bit leaner. Then you'll be able to use that space to add description of speakers. - Too many things introduced too quickly but without detailing. So I know there are several types of magic practitioners who use moonlight in different ways but I don't know what they do, how, why etc, they're just intangible taxonomy. - The scope is too wide for a short and there's too much dialog and introduction. This reads like the first chapter of a book. That's not a bad thing because it reads nicely, but if you want to make it a short, perhaps consider to trim it down and make it punchier. Hope this helps.

I only have a cool and an unclear. Cool: I liked how you foreshadowed there's going to be something in the coffee. I was able to tell that something's about to happen when you mentioned the special ingredient. Unclear: the conversation with the guy in the bathroom. The guy is shifting in-between two consecutive replies from insulting her to flirting with her. This made me confused about his motivations so I had to read the whole passage twice.

Hi everyone, I'm a new member of the Reading Excuses writing group. As a big Sanderson fan, I'm familiar with his writing theory lectures and podcast so I'm using his terminology when I say I'm available for alpha reading if an industry professional (or close) opinion is needed in theoretical physics, math, human biology (physiology, some biochem, neuroscience). I'm also a pretty good troper and tend to shoot gods and devils that step out of machinery. My work schedule is normally pretty crowded but I'm very willing to lend a hand if the result is a good book.