Jana

Before I start, you should know that I am, as one person put it, "a jaded critic" as opposed to an avid fan. That's true, but since agents and editors are also jaded critics, I think that my relatively harsh opinions can be useful. If I'm too harsh, please let me know. I'm new to the forums and don't know what exactly is expected here. I'll leave off the sentence level problems for now, since they're pretty easy to fix and relatively minor, especially for a first time writer. Your prose is far from "horrible." My main issue with this is that it doesn't grab me. It's not at all bad, but I don't see anything so far to set it apart from other fantasy pieces. I want to have a sense of what sets your story apart, and I want to have it quickly. There are a few ways to do this: Plot: Getting into the meat of an original plot early definitely grabs my attention. By this I mean not only showing interesting events, but raising interesting questions. Take GRR Martin's Game of Thrones. He starts by introducing key elements in the plot (the Night's Watch, the Others) but leaves the reader wondering about them: what is the Night's Watch? What are the Others, and what sort of danger do they pose? Fantasy elements: Fantasy elements have been done every which way by everyone and their dog, but that doesn't mean a new twist on magic, dragons, etc. can't draw people in. Language: It takes an incredibly gifted author to draw the reader in on the quality of their prose alone. I'd say Ursula K. Le Guin level at least. That shouldn't stop anyone from trying, but it's important to keep in mind that us non-literary super-geniuses need to augment it with other elements Character: This is the one that first came to my mind while reading your piece. If I could see Fawlen interacting with other people and get a better sense of who he is, what makes him interesting as a person, I'd be drawn in, giving you more time to get to the meat of the plot. That's my only big criticism. Here are a few minor ones, just to complicate things ( ): Fawlen may not be an ideal name, since it sounds so much like "fallen." Having Fawlen think so much about how beautiful nature is comes off as saccharine. Try toning it down or giving him something more unique to find beauty, something not everyday, but not super-duper rare either. Maybe a bird of prey or polished river rocks? Keep writing!