Gustaf Taen

Of course, placing the amulet on the table is weird, especially after thinking that this amulet might get him killed. I still would like to know more about the amulet though. Lets say Rowan knew what he was supposed to receive, willingly taking the risk because it was important. However, it is not very plausible in my mind the fact that his role is only to pick up something and have it delivered only a dozen feet away. But this is nitpicking. It was a trap and he was supposed to be stupid enough to fell in it.

I liked the piece, minus the fact that the whole amulet thing is not exactly clearly explained - or ad least it skips my understanding (maybe because I have no DnD knowledge?). In my opinion it needs more detail, it bugs me that I dont have this sorted, as it feels I'm not really getting what is happening. Since I'm late to the party and others have underlined many issues, some of which I agree, I will not insist too much. I think it needs cleaning and focusing, but all in all the set action is good and can be interesting to follow.

I liked the piece - and would not comment any more, others have done it so there is no need for me to add too much. As a general impression - it need just a little bit tightening, and the ending could be improved with something unexpected happening (for instance they decide to keep the treasure and not give it to Martmont, or something similar) then it's good to send out.

Thanks for the clarification - as I felt that there is basically little point to the story otherwise. The confusion from first/third person in some places is frustrating (at one point I gave up trying to understand whose mother has cancer), and there a quite a few passages in need of editing - like a record 4 whatevers in the last sentence "The Humvees soon pushed out of whatever was left of Camp Pendleton, and onto the whatever was left of the California freeway, leaving whatever was left of the old world behind, heading into whatever the world had become" (even if it is clear it/s on purpose, 3 times whould suffice). Otherwise, in most places the writing is clear and cursive, easy to follow, and the reader can "see" quite well the scenes, and can follow what is happening. Maybe a good editing will fix also some of the other not so clear parts. My only grip with the main character is that it does not seem to be qualified to lead, even by his own admision, and we are not given reasons to why he might possibly develop leadership abilities later on. Why would people follow him, since there is nothing special about him. As for more details/infodump - since all the heroes have a 3 year gap in knowledge, it should be simple to find somebody competent enough to explain to them what is happening. It would not be out of place since they actually dont know what is going on.

Not having read the previous two chapters, I cant really say much about the plot. One thing that I would cut is the passage with Thalidar, I would not even mention that someone was there, unless this is the first encounter with this character (and this will be an important character later on), and then if it is, you should maybe add a little more here, a question or two, a remark, a reminiscence etc. Dont put him there just to say hello. One thing that you do and I (for one) dont subscribe to is the insertion of commentary after almost every line of dialogue, especially in the second part. Lots of detalis of the protagonists rising brows, hands, tapping of chins etc can be left out, as it detracts me from understanding what they actually say, and I'm loosing the meaning.

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I perceive some inconsistency in the fact that Rowan actually does not like the human form, or being human, but he ends us trying to commit suicide because he's not human anymore. I would try to hide a little better the surprise encounter with Deborah, it's a little phoned in, ad least for me it was. (“Yes, sir. She appears to be in an enemy encampment near the border.”) I would not presume to give directions - but IMO a better sequence would be if Rowan, after a string of succesfull fights and ever growing ache over missing Deborah (let's say he's told she died in the hands of the enemy), would try to kill himself, and then he would be send to finish Deborah. I felt the part with the general was not really necessary, it seems to be there only to explain Rowan's condition, and could have been done faster and maybe more interestingly during some fleshing of Rowan's character (for instance him selfanalysing his condition).

As I get it, Leama loves Thepaten - and it is not possible for her to not know his condition. Other minor things that I would observe - Thepaten is in a difficult moment, I dont think he is interested in sex at this point, and - I would leave the "penis" part out, it distracts from the story, in my opinion, as I feel the story is about love. As RD mentioned - they come to a solution very quick, too quick, after only several dialogue exchanges. There is too much "understanding" going on on each line of dialogue. Since the last line is obviously important, as it is also the title, maybe you could do away with the dialogue and describe the story unfolding over several days or months, with only one dialoge line, the last one. The ideea is worth the effort to make it better, one way or the other.

I never read the first try so I have a question - is this standalone or is it part of something bigger?