TKWade

It looks like most of the points I seen have been touched upon. I agree with Eagle and Kaisa, the hook just wasn't there. You could probably cut the whole first paragraph, not lose anything, and start on the second with a stronger hook. The last page really dragged. The last few paragraphs were particularly hard to get through, and mind, this might just be my reading style. I get anxious towards the end of the chapter because I'm ready for that climax, that buy in, that gotch-ya moment that makes me want to keep reading to find out what is going to happen. It wasn't there. I felt let down, waiting to be hit in the face with this little twist or something new, and we basically got what we already knew - he was going to wake up to a difficult time in the mines the next day. Keep at it. I think you have some cool potential with your concepts.

I'd like to submit the 14th. Thanks!

Actually, if you look at the other questions, that was part of the poll, but it was unrelated to what I was talking about specifically. Using slurs and other language on campus that is intentionally offensive to certain groups 69% for restriction and 31% against. I'm not talking about hate speech. I'm talking specifically about rational discussion of uncomfortable, upsetting, polarizing, or offensive ideas. There are small groups that do want to censor those types of discussion. That's what I was highlighting. I think we're just getting our wires crossed. I absolutely agree with the sentiment and I don't want you to think I'm saying or promoting otherwise. That's nuts.

@neongrey Sorry neongrey, I think may have given the wrong impression by my poorly worded statement. Let me try to clarify. I think you're absolutely right in this paragraph and I misspoke. I think publishers should be publishing w/e fiction content they want to publish. I was speaking more in terms of social justice censorship through policy/intimidation in the public sector. The Continent is an awful book obviously and the publisher is going to suffer the social and economic ramifications of publishing it under their brand, that's capitalism. What I meant by censorship doesn't really apply to the corporate world. Here's an example poll that demonstrates the sort of ideas that I'm talking about: http://www.gallup.com/poll/190451/college-students-oppose-restrictions-political-speech.aspx The stat I'm looking at is Expressing political views that are upsetting or offensive to certain groups at 27% saying such political views should be censored. That's the type of social justice censorship that I think kills individual growth.

I'm of a similar mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if what the author is trying to say is lost in the way it has been articulated then it could be caught with this type of review process. If the author meant to write it that way then, w/e. I can disagree with them vehemently and decide not to read their material. I'm not a fan of what I consider social justice censorship because it sets a dangerous precedent with freedom of speech. That being said, if a company doesn't want to associate themselves by misrepresenting marginalized groups then they need to take proper precautions or suffer the consequential social backlash.

Sadly, I am not. White author + white agent + white editor + white-led publisher = problematic books. Its a perpetual problem in the publishing industry. Likely no one in that chain saw anything wrong with the book. Jumping from one privileged person to another, the issues that affect PoC would not have even registered. This is why having diversity in the field is so desperately important. I get that. I still think, even with people of privilege throughout the process, they should be able to catch stuff like this. There should be systems or practices in place to catch it. If race is an obvious theme in the book it would make sense for PoC review the content before it's published. I don't know if that's the best way or not, or if there is a better way. Being an individual of the most privileged probably doesn't make me a great judge of the overall process either. It's just sad.

Wowza, maybe I should read that book as a 'things not to do' reference guide. Edit: To be fair, the first time I wanted to describe angular narrow eyes I used the term almond eyes. But, after @neongrey pointed it out I did one quick search and found several great articles on describing characteristics in racially ambiguous ways. I wanted the eye structure, but that was it. This author probably should have known better and I would have thought a publisher would have seen issue with it. I'm surprised that made it through.

@rdpulfer Thanks for the critique! I'm glad it came off stronger. I'm hoping in the final I can tinker some more to make it really shine. Remove some more of the redundancy and elaborate on some of the areas you mentioned. Maybe there needs to be less focus on writing the letter and the banter back and forth and do more with the battle. I could also create more of the escape through the city, have them make it further for instance instead of just to the alleyway. I see what you're saying though and I completely agree. Thanks again!

Kaisa, I would love that, thank you! I really want to get it. Seeing it may make it easier for me to understand.

I had a question about punctuating something. On page two there is a line "She wondered the same thing-" it then cuts to a brief flash back. I didn't do this in the submission but originally i had italicized all of that flash back to notate it as such. Is that a poor way of doing a brief flash back like that? or is it punctuated correctly as is?

Wanted to add - Thank you Kaisa! I always really appreciate your critique and opinions I'm just really frustrated because I thought I had the fridging thing on lockdown and I'm just not getting it. Perhaps it'll click later on

I was looking for a way to describe his voice as shaken, but maybe it needs to be reworded. Improper usage? I don't think so here and maybe I have a problem with my story structure. The first paragraph of page 6 explains why she may think this. It would be like me thinking my wife thinks I know a lot about computers and can fix most computer related issues. It makes sense based on my occupation and what I enjoy spending my time doing. In the same way Lyzell knows what his wife does and what she enjoys. They know each other intimately which allows them to make general assumptions about what they may think of each other. I don't think that's being full of yourself as much as logical reasoning and an intimate knowledge of how your partner feels about you. If you recall, Lyzell was also paralysed by fear. This is an ability of the Drouvlan - it's not a sign of weakness or even a plot device. They're married. In love. They're safe places for each other. Not being a warrior or some super strong dude doesn't mean that a person can't find strength in your presence or even that you can't project strength onto someone else. He helps bring her back, i don't see it as 'settling her down'. Here i'm getting a bit confused. The majority of this page is focused on her watching the fight out the window. It's basically just an exposition and her irritation with Lyzell for taking too long. In fact, there is a sentence that literally says "her desire to be on the move." The whole scene is about how she wants to get out of there and put distance between them and the army, and how Lyzell seems to be taking his time about it. Can you elborate on what you mean by all she thinks about is him? This has been a really hard balance to find. Sort of one of those - damned if i do, damned if i don't - sort of things. He has to get all this information into these letters and he suddenly has no time. He's trying to get every second he can with these stones before they have to leave the city because the letter can't leave the city with them. If i rush it i don't have enough character development or world development. Some of it is definitely for me. I will totally concede that lol. This is where I have to disagree completely. OF COURSE her getting hurt is going to drive some kind of emotion out of her lover, that is an incredibly logical response. I could write where she doesn't get injured, however, it wouldn't make sense. The creature is after both of them, not one of them. She can't just run because it's faster than she. Is she going to stand idly by while it tries to kill her husband? How much sense would that make? How much sense would it make for Lyzell to just stand there while the creature brutalizes his wife? Those actions don't make sense, but their reactions to what happens doesn't exactly influence the plot either. I could have her escape unscathed. It would ruin the drouvlan, but i could do it. I mean, they're fighting this unstoppable creature, trying to escape, but they can't. What's going to happen? Alandria is obviously more than just a sexy lamp, and she more to the story than some damsel that has to die. She has wants and desires - they're to escape, because in the immediate future that's all that matters. I also want to point out that this is chapter one of a larger story. They have important roles in the plot and those will come to light. I just don't feel like i'm making the same mistake i made initially, so if it's still fridging you're going to have to explain to me how it is. I just don't see it. Again, you'll have to explain this to me in greater detail - i'm just not seeing it. His transformation has nothing to do with either of them being injured or hurt - his compelled basically, his mind made a slave. So his killing her isn't really fridging. But again, her reaction to what is or isn't happening to him. It makes sense and i don't see a problem with this. These are two people who care about each other. They're going to respond accordingly when one of them is suffering. I don't feel like this is a fight that can be won. It's like - as long as suffering happens because one person is in trouble and it drives the other individual's emotions - then it's fridging automatically. These are two people who are people of their own volition, but their wants and desires include each other.

Hello again! Let me know how you feel about the POV change from last revision(if you read last revision). Also, do you like the characters and does the dialog feel more natural? This is my last revision for now on this chapter. I'll be moving on to continue progress. Thanks!

I would also like to sub on the 31st.

I'll say this because I feel like it should be said. You're allowed to ignore or disregard advice as you see fit, but Ernei has made a reasoned and logical argument as part of her critique. You can ignore that or engage in it, but to respond in such a manner as you've chosen seems to be a major overreaction. The problem with handling a critique in the manner that you have is that you put off others from coming forward with their whole opinion or any opinion. This isn't doing you a service; quite the opposite. If Ernei had said something absolutely egregious I would understand, but that just isn't the case(Unless she has edited out some offensive language that I'm just not seeing here). Censoring your own critiques isn't going to help you improve as a writer or a person. We all have improvements to make. I'm not suggesting that she's right or wrong, but that the way you handled her critique was in error. Just my two cents.

Neogray, consider me chewed up and spit out Seriously though, thank you. I don't intentionally do these things in my writing and it sucks to have it pointed out, but it's necessary for my professional and personal growth. I didn't even think about the almond eyes reference being offensive. I wanted sort of a Zoe Saldana depiction and her eyes remind me of wide almonds which is where I picked up the reference. After reading a couple of articles on how to describe eyes in non-offensive ways I've corrected this. I've also addressed my black army issue. It was weird anyway to just refer to it as the 'black army'. I get in a weird position with this prologue-chapter. I want to give a sense of urgency, but at the same time i need to information dump adequately for the readers and I'm finding that balance difficult. Especially when trying to do it through dialog instead of an exposition to make it more interesting and flow better. I'll do some reading on sentence fragmentation and try to rein that in. Same with my redundant sentences. With my writing style I think I may need to adopt sort of a 'less is more' attitude. Maybe that would help. My issue with Alandria is really bothering me. I don't want to be that Author. So, I'm going to what some others have suggested and just rewrite the whole thing from her perspective and maybe that'll be what I submit next. The last part with Soryn was a tack on at the end. I can remove it and with my new plot device it should work fine without it. That was just my laughable attempt to get past my fridging problem, but that was my total lack of understanding showing. Again, sincerely, thank you for the raw critique

Kaisa, I think I know just the thing to solve my Fridgin problem, I know I said only one revision, but I feel I cannot continuing knowing my story and plot suffer from this particular Trope. I feel like I'd be getting off on the wrong foot, so to speak. Ethan, Thank you! I'll be posting one more revision, as much as I'd like to get on with next chapter I cannot let my plot continue if the start is based around a terrible trope, but I think I have a solution that will work to solve that problem. So, hopefully, just one more revision, thank you for the kind words! I may have to find a different way to depict the length of their lives, i just thought that 'doggy years' type comparison would make it more relatable and maybe it's just really poor wording. My change to address with Trope will also, I think, address both the tension lasting long and the why of killing Alandria's wife.

Sasooner, first of all thanks for the critique! It feels like whenever i read a new critique i think so myself, "HOW DID YOU NOT THINK ABOUT THAT!?!! AHHH!!!" lol, but seriously, I wish I had considered those things while I writing. I think part of my problem was rushing it. I need to go back through my revisions with a more inquisitive mind set. Thank you so much for pointing out the lack of description with how my magic system works. I'll be leaving some of it vague because I want there to be some wonder to the world and the magic system, but I can definitely go more indepth, and will. Thanks for the advice and ideas.

AHH!! I FAILED!!! Alright, I'm going to have to do some real brain storming. She's his wife, I want to keep that dynamic, so I need a super compelling reason to submit to Osha and leave his wife, knowing she's alive; time to get really creative. I was kind of hoping the appearance of Soryn at the end would be enough to prevent the trope, but I suppose it wouldn't, considering the trope is what motivates Lyzell to submit to Osha's will. But, her being his wife, I don't feel like destruction of the letter would be enough. As long as she's alive Lyzell would fight on, that's his character, so.. we'll see. Like I said, I need to get creative. Oops. But my prose! I want this detail I'm just going to have to find a way to dumb it in a less, expositiony? way Need to flesh this out Poor word choice on my part. I wasn't going for that, i changed it to 'Alandria persisted' I guess women being fighters doesn't need to mean that the men are weak and incapable. Lyzell may be a scholar, but he has other abilities, his strength just doesn't lie in physical combat as seen in the drouvlan encounter Can one not find beauty in strength? He knows she is physically stronger than him and is a combative person and he finds her beautiful, I don't see how that needs to be expressed differently. I guess I just think about how I see me wife and maybe this is part of the problem, but I don't love my wife because of how she looks, I love her because of what she adds to my life and the happiness I feel from spending time with her. She's beautiful to me and I could describe that in a hundred different ways. Do I find her physically attractive? Absolutely, but that isn't what makes her beautiful. My son is beautiful to me too, but it isn't because he's the cutest kid ever, which he is, it's because of the joy he brings me when i see him. She's my wife, he's my son, they're precious to me. That's Lyzell. I don't feel like I've done a disservice to the way Lyzell feels about Alandria by not saying, "I love her strength," explicitly. he clearly loves how strong she is. I really thought I imparted that feeling in the first couple of paragraphs in page 4. Again, she's a warrior and he a scholar, but he has his own ability that haven't been described - this may be a flaw in chapter structure. That being said, she should probably be more tactical than he, so that may still make sense even considering his ability with Source energy. I need to do a better job of imparting equality. As far as who's in the lead or who should be in the lead. They're a team, equally, and they both have their own skills. Again, though, based off of my previous depictions of the characters before this point one could easily assume that Alandria should have been the one to peer around the corner first, not Lyzell. I need that scene though to build tension and detail the drouvlan and it worked well for Lyzell I thought, showing how he relies on her strength. Maybe I could reverse roles in that scene and still make it work well. It may even increase tension. When I went back and read it again after reading your comment i cringed, so true. I need to find a way to make it feel more ominous because it's absolutely laughable. I was hoping that with the appearance of Soryn at the end it would break the Fridge trope issue, but I think I just misunderstood the problem. I feel like I need a reason for her to be left behind by Lyzell, just can't think of a good reason. Need some creative thinking sessions I guess. Thanks for the critique again It's so appreciated.

Hello again everyone. This is the first revision of my prologue. I tried to take into account as many of the suggestions as I could, but if I missed something let me know. Looking to see if my character development is better, my hook is better, and if it flows well throughout a little better. Kaisa, I hope I fixed my Fridging problem or at least made it better, but if not I'd love to hear what you think would help even that out a little better. Thanks everyone!

I'd like to submit on the 17th if a spot is still available.

All the tropes! My first thought was uncle Ben from spider-man, but good catch with Luke's aunt and uncle. My mind didn't go there and now I'm just disappointed in myself because I fancy myself a huge Star Wars fan. All I've been able to think about for the last couple of day is Rogue One, It's a real problem. Robinski, thank you so much for the critique. These critiques are exactly what I needed for direction on getting better so it's hard to say in words how much I appreciate you all giving me the advice that you have. I've got a major revision ahead of me and I've been workin my butt off trying to take everything that I've learned into account. I might actually have it ready for this Monday submission if there is still a spot open and if not then definitely next week. The great thing is that I see similar issues with my next chapters so i'm going to do one revision before I post those and try to incorporate what I've learnt into those as well. I also took at a look at that inherent bias site, kaisa, very cool. I found that I'm not a racist BUT that I see native americans as forgien, slightly. I need to take the rest of them. They're really interesting.

I don't know why I never considered tropes and inherent biases, probably my writer's ignorance showing, but that's okay lol Thanks for the encouragement. My goal is to do one revision per submission to just keep the progression going. Unless my revision gets shredded, maybe, maybe then i'll do one more haha. I'll have to check out more books from non-western writers. I need to just be more aware, in general, of my characters as people and not just filler.

Ah yes, I really like this! It's the small things that can make all the difference, thank you!

I think I get it now. I will strive to make you proud in my revision