TKWade

Will Edit I may need to rework this part the intent is to put forth that he created the door - not that it already existed. Will edit. Will edit. Thanks Mandamon, much appreciated

This seems to be a common theme for me - struggling to create strong investment in characters. I'll work on their motivation a more to try to create a more engaging dynamic and conflict. So, I was not at all going for Matrix lol - but what do you mean by clash? I thought they fell in line pretty well. He's sympathetic because of their treatment and that's part of the reason. I can cut the line about being his own man, maybe i need to be more subtle OR i need to include an additional scene before either of those that is with him an his father. Stephin is in his late teens and his father is extremely prominent. He has a lot of pressure on him to follow suit basically, so i need to maybe put more in there regarding that earlier in the chapter. I'll try to iron this issue out. I'll work on this more - i think really nailing their motivation and desires might fix this whole issue. NO! this is not like the Matrix at all. The matrix is a program, there is no program. I understand the connection, but they really aren't the same in plot or motivation. I was unsure even as i was writing this. It has how I have seen it done several times in Robert Jordan's books which is why I worded it the way I did - will edit. There will be conflict between her and her siblings - eventually Maykn as well. Obviously i need to work on the conflict further in this chapter and maybe solidify that tension. Yeah, i was playing with past perfect tense because he's remembering something further in the past, i just failed. Total slip on my part - i think i was just in the moment and then missed it on my read throughs. Totes Thanks for the crit Kaisa!

So, I noticed in the first few pages of the second seen in chapter 3 that I didn't correct some of Landin's dialogue - specifically you'll probably notice that his speech patterns change about halfway through. That can be overlooked because I'm already correcting it. But, if the dialogue seems stilted, or that it doesn't make sense even so, let me know.

Last scene chapter 2 Looking to see if it holds tension better, flows better, did I fix my wander narrative issue? Chapter 3 Looking for tension holding, pacing, character buy-in. I'm concerned about Nessian buy-in. I'm aiming for the reader to really despise this character, but I don't spend much time on her in this chapter. I may need to build her out more in the scene.

I'll go ahead and sub too - i have a chapter finished, but it's a bit out of order - possibly.

@Chaos Thanks! Hope everything is going okay for @Silk!

Wanted to see if people were willing to share tools or tips that they use when world building - organizationally. I've tried file system - each object being it's only document: Characters, City, Nation, Magic systems, Geography, Religion, Social Classes, Technology, Etc. I've recently started to migrate these things to a single document in google docs using document outliner, so that i don't have to move between documents. Anyone willing to share other tools or devices that they use to organize and keep track of it all? I just find that I sometimes lose myself in the details.

@Mandamon If you don't mind I would love to hit you up at some point, but it wont be for some time. I'm not in the realm of close lol I have much ground to cover in regards to improving my writing. @neongrey @kaisa @Mandamon Thank you for the detailed info, super helpful - just looking for goals, so I have a target.

What are thoughts on self-publishing? I'm far off, but I'm just doing some prelim research and wanted to know what other thought vs the traditional route.

Yeah, I love google docs - my savior. I'm on google docs too much at work. It's a problem.

have you looked into google keep at all? i'm just a google fan boy lol

Wow, that is an incredibly poor move on their part. I bet that gets rolled back shortly after release.

To everyone posting I just wanted to say thank you for the great and thoughtful discussion. It's really eye-opening and I'm taking in so much information. It really gives me a sense of hope moving forward in writing. I definitely wouldn't be progressing in the same way that I currently am without your help and guidance. So, thank you. Makes me excited

I think I need to flesh out the Vasin better because while the two who are in the story happen to be male - they are not at all human like and there for don't have an implied appearance of normality - they're bestial. In regards to women, I can definitely see what you mean and this is just going to take time and practice on my part. I have what I think is a good reason for Lillian and I need to make sure I really include Stephain in this because they're twins in the same vein. They're both supposed to be crazy attractive individuals kind of like Galad in WoT.

Okay, that makes far more sense which I would agree with. That being said - what about someone of privilege working closely with a member of the marginalized group in question to write the story focused on the marginalized groups experience? If I'm not a rocket scientist want to write about rocket science consulting closely with an actual rocket scientist - is that ethically acceptable?

I'm trying understand this sentence - can you say it more layman's terms? The way I deconstructed it is that you're saying 'privileged people thinking too much about themselves, their own experiences, which have nothing to do with them are a dime a dozen. And that's harmful.' or 'privileged people thinking deeply about issues and experiences which have nothing to do with them are a dime a dozen. And that's harmful.' The later seems paradoxical, because I think that would actually be the opposite of harmful and the first just doesn't make sense. So, I think I'm understanding what you're trying to say totally incorrectly plz help me!

Honestly, I feel like I have a much better time with revisions because the first draft feels more like a detailed outline of where I'm trying to go and just generally feeling out the direction of the characters. So I enjoy going back through and fleshing out scenes and fixing problems because I have something more to work with. I think I do write in a males gaze - I can definitely see it. That being said - thought I gave a decent description of the Torturer, but maybe I need to do more - but it was definitely more than not at all. eg. "A withered-looking Vasin with slick black fur stood next to a table."; "The Vasin appeared to be mixing something at the moment while talking to himself and shaking his oily head."; "He smiled broadly showing off his gnarled and rotted teeth." Is that what you're looking for or are looking for a more concrete description of both the species and the character specifically? I did purposefully describe Lillian the way I did because I'm toying with a romance possibility there. I will try to keep my male gaze issues in mind when describing both women and non-women characters. Thank you for checking me on it! Yeah I definitely need to do something about this! What is WRS? The characters in this scene are the Vasin from chapter one and the two Ortan's who picked up Maykn from his home at the end of chapter 1. They are with the Potent. I may need to provide more information on who the Potent really is and her overarching role in Coreen, but to this point it isn't really relevant. What do you think? I change this, thank you! Eep! What do you mean by narrative wandering? Thanks again Kaisa!

I think this is going to be one of those things that just comes down to time spent practising and writing. I'll improve, but writing technicalities have ALWAYS been difficult for me. No matter how many books, articles or posts I read about sentence structure it just doesn't seem to be clicking. Thank you! I will edit! Kaisa mentioned this right after you. I need to read through this part and reworks I think. Maybe I can find some first person accounts of experienced torture because I was just having a difficult time visualising exactly how he might feel and at the same time what type of torture. It's something I need to work out. This was incredibly helpful for me - thank you! Fixed! LOL Ah, good catch - will edit. VERY helpful - thank you! I like it - i hated that i used contain twice like that but my brain wasn't coming up with a word. Yikes! i'll fix this, oops! Another oops - hah. Thank you so much for reading it and the detailed crit it was super helpful and I'll keep them coming!

Looking for character consistency, pacing, tension holding, etc. I'm curious on thoughts on new Potent scene, Inquisitor scene, and ending. Is there a point where you feel like it slows down too much or does it hold interest? I tried to do more showing and less telling - please let me know if I'm getting closer to the mark. My punctuation is not great, but if you want to nit pick it I'm all for it, or even if you want to pick a page to nit pick and explain why the punctuation is incorrect that would help a lot. I have much to learn. Thanks for reading!

Yeah, it's held me back from moving forward. I may get 10 chapters in and agree that it isn't necessary anymore and then I just wasted weeks for no reason. Edited. Thanks! Ah, true, edited. I tried to clean this up and have made adjustments, thanks! Took me a minute to understand what you meant here, but I'm assuming this sentence? "They continued into the temple following a red runner worn from years of people visiting to worship." It's because I'm saying it as the narrator vs the POV of the MC correct? I will edit. This has been difficult for me to get a balance on between knowing when showing isn't necessary and vice versa. I've gone through and tried to redo some scenes to be evocative vs informative. I think this is just one of those things that will take a ton of practice and revision to become second nature. Thank you for pointing it out! Thank you for reading what you did! The last bit of the chapter was quite bad, so you didn't miss anything. I'm going to submit a revision this Monday instead of the next chapter only because the revision was so heavy.

Oooo that sounds like funsies good job @Mandamon !

@Mandamon I'm not 100% sure what's happening, but it sounds awesome whatever it is - possible book deal? Either way, congratz!

I'd like to get in on the 12th as well

Good catch, edited. I will edit this. I'm going to dramatically cut down the whole fight scene so I will try to make this more apparent in some way. Thanks! Thank you for taking the time to read!

Okay, new question to pose, writing about current everyday objects in a new world with no basis for those objects. e.g. a vehicle. Do you come up with a new name for this mechanical device that is altered from our reality of it or do you just call it what it is? You tend to see this often with guns or military weaponry in books. In WoT RJ called coffee, kafe, and cannons, Dragons, etc. So, do i come up with a new name for flying vehicles that fits my realm? I struggle with this sometimes because words have origins and those origins don't exist in some worlds, so there would be no basis for them.