Cosmere Rugby XV

[Goatbringer he/him]

Guys – I know this is a weird post, but I somehow felt it in my heart and wanted to share my observations with you. This is going to be very niche, but it is for people who understand both the Cosmere and rugby.

I’m a HUGE rugby fan, and with the British & Irish Lions tour going on in South Africa, rugby has been on my brain a lot. Because the tone of the series from both coaching staffs has been quite toxic though, I have wanted to channel that rugby-brain towards something fun and away from negative youtube comments about Maro Itoje’s dirty tactics and Faf de Klerk’s high tackles.

Because at any given time I’m also thinking about the Cosmere, I came up with what I consider to be the premier starting 15 for an all-Cosmere rugby team. Because I’m assuming that the Cosmere fan and the rugby fan only rarely intersect, I’ll do my part to explain each starting position to you and why I chose each character for their role on the team!

I’ve also tried to include a character from each series so as not to overload the team with one particular planet. I’ve also tried to steer away from any god-like beings – no Shards are going to be part of the team.

Weird concept, I know, but here’s what I got!

Front Row

The front row consists of two props and a hooker. Usually, these guys are the popular conception of rugby players: big, hairy, ugly, and powerful. They’re often never the tallest players, but are almost always the heaviest players. The front row’s main job is to scrummage well as well as use their bulk to be lineout lifters and clean out rucks. It was tough to find characters who are short but powerfully built in the Cosmere, so I’ve gone with a taller front row than you might usually find on a rugby pitch.

1: Loosehead Prop – Galladon (Sel)

I’ve always seen Galladon as an anchor – and I can see him doing this on the loosehead side of the scrum. He’s described as firm of frame with wide hands and keen eyes – so I see him as kind of a Beast Mtawarira kind of prop: a good combination of brains and brawn.

2: Hooker – Hammond (Scadrial)

A hooker has an additional job of being the thrower in the lineout, so they need to have pinpoint accuracy as well as strength. Lately as well, a hooker acts as the fourth back-rower in the team, being more mobile and able to poach balls. That’s why I’ve gone with Hammond. Being a pewterarm he (or she, in the film version!) will have no trouble with the physicality of the game, but Ham’s also got a good head on his shoulders and could identify an opponent who becomes isolated.

3: Tighthead Prop – Baon (Taldain)

On the other side of the scrum, tightheads usually do a ton of work without having their praises sung. They’re also usually the biggest boys on the park. I’ve gone with Baon from White Sand. He’s a big guy with wide shoulders, but he’s going to be underestimated due to his physical appearance and has a skillset that will shine through when it needs to (his being able to use sand is an example).

Second Row

Second rowers, or ‘locks’, are always, always the tallest players on the rugby field. Their job is to use this height and their long legs to call and win lineouts as well as provide power in the scrum for their front rowers.

4: Front Lock – Human (Scadrial)

The number 4 lock is usually the meathead of the two. His job isn’t to call the lineout, so he doesn’t need to be as cerebral or as sneaky as number 5, but rather play off instinct and let his physicality rip up the other team. For this reason, I’ve gone with Human the Koloss from Mistborn as the front lock. As big, powerful, and violent as they come, but retains that little memory of humanity not to get red-carded.

5: Back Lock - Numuhukumakiaki’aialunamor (Roshar)

As much as the number 4 is a brute, number 5 has got to have at least a little understanding of the game and how to run complex lineout moves. I’m thinking that Rock would very much enjoy rugby as it doesn’t have any overt killing involved and he can actually put his skills to good use in the second row. I also think that his being able to see spren will give him a leg up on any opposing locks.

Back Row

The back rowers are most often the team’s best players and pack down on the flanks and the back of the scrum. They’re forwards who are more mobile than their front and second row compatriots, and their main job is to tackle, tackle, tackle. The trend with most teams is to have a designated ‘poacher’ as a member of the back row, whose job it is to linger around the tackle area and see if they can strip the ball.

6: Blindside Flanker – Vasher (Nalthis)

A blindside’s job is to be an absolute bastard and cause as much chaos as humanly possible. They’re usually big, powerful, yet still mobile enough to disrupt balls at the ruck and maybe get a turnover or two. I like Vasher for blindside flank – he’s a big guy, but he can also be totally brutal in battle if he wants to be. He also has that classic grouchy countenance that a lot of blindside flanks have that fuel their destructive tendencies. And just imagine what he could do in unsheathing Nightblood out on that field…

7: Openside Flanker – Hrathen (Sel)

This one is a bit of a left-field choice, but I’ve decided to go for Hrathen from Elantris as my openside flanker. A lot of people will tell you that openside flank is the most important position in rugby, so you have to choose carefully. We know that Hrathen can mix it up with the best of them and has good skills in disarming, fighting, and disabling his opponents – a great David Pocock-esque skillset for an openside. We also know he trudges around in full plate armour all day, meaning the dude is ripped. I was tempted to go with Dalinar for openside, and I definitely think the Blackthorn would have been one twenty years ago, but I feel like he’s retired now. Hrathen, however, is just on the cusp and probably at his peak right now.

8: Number Eight – Eshonai – (Roshar)

Your number eight should be the all-around forward: destructive ball carrying skills, cerebral enough to make decisions from the back of the scrum, and be decent under the high ball. For this position, I’ve gone with Eshonai. As the warleader and Shardbearer of the Singers in books 1 and 2 of Stormlight, she definitely has the battle skills to be a number eight, as well as the keenness of mind to know when and how to make her moves.  

Half-Backs

Now we come to the backs – in general, backs are quicker and smaller than the forwards, and their job is to score points. If the above are employed to boss around the opposing team and retain the ball, the backs are employed to exploit the space the forwards provide and score tries. The two half-back positions, scrum-half and fly-half are probably the most important attacking positions in rugby, so having a pair that know each other well is important…

9: Scrum-Half – Vin (Scadrial)

Your scrum-half is more often than not the smallest player on the field. You ever see those crazy pictures of two guys playing rugby where one is like half the size of the other? Yeah, that’s usually the scrum-half. These guys are quick, dangerous, and instinctive – playing with both reckless abandon and tactical astuteness. Their job is to get the ball from the base of the ruck and distribute it. I’ve gone for a character with an all-around skillset here: Vin. Halfbacks need to be able to kick, chase, tackle, pass, and read the game – so having a Mistborn with a plethora of skills is handy (especially if she has atium). What’s great about Vin is that since she’s a tiny little thing, she’ll be constantly underestimated by her opponents until she levels them with a pewter-enhanced tackle.

10: Fly-Half – Kelsier (Scadrial)

The fly-half is the quarter-back of rugby – they make most of the tactical decisions on where the ball goes next once they get it from the scrum-half and are usually the smartest player on the field. This one was definitely a no-brainer – Vin and Kelsier make a deadly duo, and Kelsier’s experience with his Mistborn powers make him more level-headed than instinctive Vin. He’s also got great experience rallying people together, although he may have a hot head and can pop off sometimes, but hey, as long as he directs it well, that’s going to be useful.

Centres

Centres are usually the bigger guys when it comes to backs. As second receivers, they will probably take more contact than other backs and their job is to use their power to drive through the defenders, giving space for the wider backs to make the beautiful things happen. Centres also have to be defensively solid, as most of your opponents attacks will come from the mid-field. I always like a tried and tested combination at centre, and fiddling around with two guys who don’t know each others’ playing style always leads to miscommunication and defensive lapses. That’s why I’ve gone for two Rosharans in the midfield:

12: Inside Centre – Adolin (Roshar)

Even without Radiant powers, I don’t think there’s anyone I’d bet against with Adolin at inside centre. He combines the power and raw brutality of a Shardbearer with the soft-footed finesse of a master duelist combining the power of a forward with the talent of a back in one package. I’ve also gone with Adolin as team captain. Sure, there are others who may be more skilled, older, wiser, and more experienced, but Adolin is just such a likeable, empathetic guy: he’d make a fantastic captain to rally around and would bring out the best in all of his teammates. I doubt even Kelsier could have a bad thing to say about Adolin’s noble-born status once they get to know each other.

13: Outside Centre – Kaladin (Roshar)

Adolin’s midfield partner has gotta be Kal. Has the attacking skills to be a back, but I think where he truly shines is in his defensive instincts. If you tell Kaladin to imagine his team’s try-line is a poor, defenseless soldier drafted into Amaram’s army, he’s going to be the best goddamn defender on your team, making him a perfect hinge on defence, able to snuff out the first hint of attack with his battlefield awareness. When he has the ball, he’s got the attacking skills and the knowledge of his mid-field partner to make in-roads every time.

Outside Backs

Outside backs are usually the fastest and the most attack-minded players on the team. They will often stay out of the main defensive line, covering for longer kicks for the chance to counter-attack. They’ve got to be good under the high ball and have decent kicking skills. While wings are notorious for being the weakest on their team in terms of defence, the fullback is often the last line of defence against an attack in open space, so they’ve got to have a good skillset. Some teams, like the All Blacks, in the last few years, have used their fullback in a more creative role as a second playmaker in tandem with the fly-half.

11: Left Wing – Szeth (Roshar)

I’m going to go with Szeth as a left wing. I think because he can fly, he’ll be pretty good under the high ball. I also think that with lashings, he can do a bang-up job in getting some speed down the left touch-line. Szeth is also much more attack-minded than defensively skilled, and if he doesn’t go crazy from the voices in his head, can be the team’s top points scorer.

14: Right Wing – Lift (Roshar)

While Lift may be too young to play full-tilt rugby, she is a Radiant and can heal from injuries really quickly. Lift could really be the next Shane Williams or Cheslin Kolbe – a small pocket rocket who is nigh-impossible to get a hold of due to her abrasion surge.

15: Fullback – Waxillium Ladrian (Scadrial)

I like the dual playmaker set-up, so I’ve gone with Wax in the fullback position. While my initial instinct was to have Hoid as one of those wildly unpredictable fullbacks, I think Wax is a solid choice. As a coinshot, he’ll be safe under the high ball, and as a lawman he’ll understand the importance of his defensive responsibilities. And I figure we can have Wayne on the bench as our back-up scrum-half – if anything happens to Kel or Vin, sub on Wayne and bring Wax up from fullback to play half-back.

Head Coach: Dalinar Kholin (Roshar)

Bondsmith. Old warhorse. Knows every trick in the book to win the battle. Next.

Attack Coach: Jasnah Kholin (Roshar)

I think that if there is anyone in the Cosmere who is going to be creative enough to be a game-winning attack coach but who may not want to stoop to get dirty with the rest of the players, it’s Jasnah. Jasnah is always forward-thinking and willing to use any means to win.

Defence Coach: Raoden (Sel)

Dude understands the importance of defending one’s city. He may not be cut out to play the game itself, but he can read an attack and find a way to defend against it like the best of them.

So there you have it! Rugby fans of the Cosmere, do we agree? Disagree? Have other choices? Let me know!

[Olmund]

While I'm no rugby enthusiast, your descriptions offer enough thought & background that your Cosmere team lineup is an enjoyable read. I'll say that I wouldn't trust Szeth or Lift to be on my own team regardless of sport (Lift especially -- she'll drop out the moment she gets hungry, and only come back if she's really bored), and I can't really see any sport being okay with a no-holds-barred approach to cosmere magic systems. Aside from that I can't offer much feedback.

 

I do appreciate thinking about what Cosmere sports could look like -- complete with investiture-fueled mayhem. The closest look we have now is the Skybreaker paintball festival exam (or whatever they called it); other cosmere sports (like in Warbreaker) have no description of the rules and don't have anything to do with investiture (aside from the Adolin + Kaladin duel, I suppose). I wouldn't be surprised if other radiant orders had training exercises that were very sports-like pre-recreance; it'll be interesting to see if Brandon explores those possibilities in the back half of SA.

[apepi]

I now just want Blitzball from FFX except it is in the cosmere.