Need a Fanfiction Torn Apart

[Grey Knight]

Hey, writers of the Shard. I've got a first draft of a chapter I'd like y'all to beta read. It's a continuation, of sorts, of a slightly-dead fanfic called For Those We Cherish that explores what would happen if Warhammer 40k met RWBY.

First drafts are always terrible, so don't try to spare my feelings. Please let me know if you have any questions. And yes, it is a fanfiction of a fanfiction. No, I don't care if you judge me. Shove off. 

Spoiler

One ship.

It punches through the walls of realspace, sides streaming with empyric energy. It is a monstrosity of iron and plasteel, its design more concerned with efficiency than grandeur. It is also wounded, with gaping wounds torn in the hull and half its crew dead. Ten Astartes are among that number.

It is the Ironmonger, Aquilla-class strike cruiser of the Ashen Blades Chapter. The leviathan comes to life, lights flickering along its sides. Gun batteries swing outwards. Its stuttering engines flare into the void, putting it on a course towards a single point of light beyond them.

The Imperium has not forgotten the Lamenters. And now, by their glories and their sins, Remnant shall be judged.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lieutenant-Commander Rommel strides into a bridge filled with chaos.

He ignores the shouting serfs, the blaring klaxons, and the conspicuously empty stations where the dead crew would have once been. He doesn’t even bother to close his helm’s audioreceptors. Now is not the time to lose focus.

Rommel walks through a smoking pile of ashes, already disintegrating back into the Warp. He can see Raphael and Kass ahead of him, standing behind the Lord-Captain. Raphael moves in front of Rommel, spreading his arms wide. His sword is covered in ichor from some daemonic beast, likely the one Rommel had just stepped in.

“At last, the crone arrives,” he said. “Did your nurse take too long with the diaper?”

“Shut your mouth, you bastard child of a she-dog,” Rommel growls. He shoves the company champion aside with an arm, ignoring his indignant grunt. “Lord-Captain Roth, the Lamenters have a battle barge. Preliminary scans identify it as the Mater Sanguinium.”

Behind him, Brother Kass swears violently. “Then they have at least a battle company, maybe two. Are there any other ships? Orbital defenses?”

“The scans haven’t picked up any,” Rommel says. He can hear the muffled sound of explosions from the company vox-feed in his helm. “Doesn’t mean they’re not there.”

“We have surprise on our side,” Raphael says, shooting a glare at Rommel. “Even if they have more firepower, we can take them by surprise. Teleport a squad into the bridge before they can raise their void shields. Decapitate the head before the body can respond.”

“We’re too far away for that to be safe, mud-eater,” Rommel replies, shouting over the klaxons. “And in case you haven’t noticed, the Lamenters have a frakking battle barge. It’s their fracking capital ship, for the Emperor’s sake. We don’t have the numbers to successfully board a ship of that size.”

“Then we need to hang back,” Kass shouts, shifting his balance as the gravity rapidly increases, then returns to normal. “If we stay out of reach, then they’ll have to come to us. We could get around them, maybe hit the planet and then flee the system.”

“Only a fool,” Raphael sneers, “gives the initiative to an enemy with superior numbers and-”

Lord-Captain Duhan Roth raises his fist. Raphael stops talking.

“Shipmaster,” the captain says, not moving. “Prepare a vox-transmission, as follows: ‘The Emperor’s servants have arrived’. Broadcast it over all channels and wait for a response.”

The ship’s captain, a portly man currently wired into his command throne, nods nervously and speaks into his vox. Rommel can see beads of sweat trickling down the man’s brow. He can barely contain his own shock. Why aren’t they doing something? What is the captain thinking? They need to move, to fight, to act.

“Lord-Captain, what are you doing?” he hisses, stepping closer. “We need to make a plan of attack, not invite them over for a frakking tea party.”

“Your mistake,” Roth says, still facing the void, “is assuming that there must be conflict in the first place.” He turns around, cutting off Rommel’s indignant reply with a wave of his hand. “We do not have the numbers to assault their battle-barge, and they do not have the maneuverability to catch us before we jump to the Warp. We find ourselves in a stalemate, even before we come to the fact that the Lamenter’s loyalties still remain unknown. The only option is to open a channel of communication.”

“Unknown, my chull!” Rommel spits to the side, narrowly missing a servitor wired into the floor. “Lord-Captain, please. We can’t afford to sit back and let the ashes settle. When they turn out to be heretics, we need to have a plan to purge them!”

Duhan Roth turns around, his eyes suddenly cold and hard. “I am your captain, Lieutenant Rommel,” he says softly, “and you will obey my orders. Your experience and age do not change that.”

Rommel meets the captain’s gaze, then looks away.

“I… Apologies, Lord. A slip of the tongue, nothing more.”

Roth waits a moment, then nods. “Your choler serves you well, brother. I would expect nothing less than unbridled fury from a veteran of the Black Company at our cousin’s heresy.” He gestures toward the bridge screens. The Mater Sanguinium, to Rommel’s slight surprise, has remained in orbit around the planet. “But look at them. Their flagship hasn’t moved in the slightest since we arrived. There are only two reasons for that- the first, that they haven’t noticed us. Unlikely, given our… dramatic entrance, and the vox-signal I sent moments ago. Which means only other thing is possible.”

“They can’t come to us,” Kass says. He sounds shocked at the idea, that a ship older than most Chapters could be crippled so badly.

“An immobilized prey,” Roth says, his voice hard. “Ferocious, deadly, but weak. Vulnerable. If our cousins have truly fallen, brother, then this will not be a fight worthy of the Wall of Glory.”

He stops, looking at Rommel and the others in turn. “It will be a slaughter. And we will be the butchers.”

 

[+ILuvHats he/him]

I've heard of both Warhammer 40k and RWBY, but I haven't played/watched either of them. So the fact that I have a rough idea of what's going on in this scene is fantastic. You managed to dive immediately into an action scene that's engaging and requires no prior knowledge of the source material. I'm sure people who are actually familiar with RWBY and Warhammer would be able to recognize the worldbuilding elements (and maybe the characters), but I never felt overwhelmed by everything going on, and you quite wisely did not include any noticeable info drops. Also, your dialogue is on point. You can feel the personality oozing from each character, the dialogue is quick-paced, and it sounded very realistic. Overall, fantastic job. I would totally keep reading the fanfiction despite my ignorance.

[Grey Knight]

6 hours ago, ILuvHats said:

I've heard of both Warhammer 40k and RWBY, but I haven't played/watched either of them. So the fact that I have a rough idea of what's going on in this scene is fantastic. You managed to dive immediately into an action scene that's engaging and requires no prior knowledge of the source material. I'm sure people who are actually familiar with RWBY and Warhammer would be able to recognize the worldbuilding elements (and maybe the characters), but I never felt overwhelmed by everything going on, and you quite wisely did not include any noticeable info drops. Also, your dialogue is on point. You can feel the personality oozing from each character, the dialogue is quick-paced, and it sounded very realistic. Overall, fantastic job. I would totally keep reading the fanfiction despite my ignorance.

Thank you so much! I was worried that the ending felt rushed and awkward. What did you think?

[+ILuvHats he/him]

1 hour ago, Grey Knight said:

Thank you so much! I was worried that the ending felt rushed and awkward. What did you think?

Looking at it again, maybe you could add a few lines of description at the end to ease us back out if the dialogue. But I think it’s pretty good as is.