My first attempt a creative writing... ever.

[Bunnyburn he/him]

I am an avid reader. If reading is a skill, then I am very talented. Writing however has always been trouble. Mostly it is a self-expression block, but I am also unsure on some of the finer points of writing. (Such as dialogue, paragraphing, and assigning and reassigning of pronouns.) That being said, I buckled down and wrote this little fictional passage. I didn't really plan so much as wrote in a stream of thought. I would greatly appreciate opinions, advice, grammatical/formatting corrections.

Here it is:

Feinn slowly opened his eyes to the near-blackness of the forest canopy overhead. A soft rustling noise had woken him up moments earlier and he had immediately felt the sensation of being watched. Feinn did not believe himself to be a catious person, but he knew leaping to his feet would alert the creator of the quiet noise, the lurking watcher.

So he lay there silently, still as stone and straining his ears for another sound. After the space of three slow, quiet breaths Feinn heard the same sound, like dry leaves crunching underfoot. Feinn had little doubt that the noise was exactly that. He had expected to be followed. The small parcel inside the breast pocket of his leather vest suddenly felt much heavier than the single piece of paper it contained warranted. He didn't know what kind of information the missive contained, but he wouldn't have been sent to 'aquire' this unassuming envelope if it wasn't important to somebody.

The package had been locked in a solid wooden box, reinforced with iron bands. This box had been hidden in locked wardrobe in the sleeping chambers of lord Brandt. These lavish chambers had been behind a thick oak door, also locked. The grounds of Lord Brandt's forest haven had been patrolled by half a dozen guards bearing Brandt's colors of green and grey, armed with heavy maces and each carrying a lantern to hold back the oppressive darkness of thick woods on a moonless night. A pair of large men stood on either side of the massive set of doors that led into the small mansion. Although Feinn had no trouble bypassing the extensive security measures, it reinforced his client's assertion that this was a document of great import.

So Feinn was not surprised that he had been located. And he was not surprised when he heard the muffled footsteps of the watcher approaching from behind and to the left where he lay. Feinn slowly adjusted his left hand so it rest on the hilt of a long, broad dagger -almost a shortsword- as he counted ten barely perceptible footfalls. Feinn estimated that the watcher now stood directly behind him, near his head, but his view still contained only the dark sillhouette of oak leaves and patches of pitch black sky.

Feinn breathed evenly and slowly, maintaining the illusion that he was still asleep. He could feel the watchers presence mere inches from his head. A minute passed, perhaps two minutes, before Feinn began to feel impatient, and a little nervous.

Did I misjudge his location? He asked himself.

Feinn got his answer a split-second later when he heard the gentle grating of steel on hard leather from his left.

I guess it's now or never.

Feinn closed his left hand around the hilt of his dagger and rolled to the left onto his stomach. He came to rest with his chin in the mulchy soil and his eyes on a pair of boots and shins just inside the reach of his armed hand.

The watcher had apparently failed to notice that Feinn had been awake, his surprise evident in his lack of reaction to Feinn's abrupt movements. Feinn took full advantage of the watchers surprise and swept his dagger from left to right as he pushed himself into a kneeling position with his right hand. Feinn's blade struck the watcher above the knee on the inside of his left leg. The dagger sliced deeply, striking bone. At the sweeping attacked reached the end of its arc, Feinn swung it back as quickly as it had come, but with an upward angle this time. The watcher had begun reaching down with his left hand to his wounded thigh as his right arm thrust downward with a now unsheathed knife. But before the blade could be resheathed in the side of Feinn's neck, his dagger sliced the watcher's stomach open diagonally, waist to ribcage. Feinn leaped backwards to his feet as the watcher stumbed to his knees where Feinn had just been. Both of his hands now clutched his guts, holding them inside as best he could. His lips moves wordlessly for a moment, but before he could find a breath to express his agony, Feinn jumped forward, and in a single fluid motion he flipped his dagger in midair, caught it blade down, and rammed it straight to the hilt into the soft flesh behind the watchers collarbone. A foot of steel pierced lung and heart, and the watchers scream came out a breathy gurgle of blood and spit. Feinn stepped to the right as he yanked his blade free with a sharp tug. Blood spurted from the wound, and the watcher fell forward, his quickly failing vision watching nothing but the decaying leaves and milling insects of the forest floor.

[WriteNowDave he/him]

Hi Bunnyburn, 

 

I will (muhahhahahaa) take a stab at it if you want. 

 

Now that being said remember that I am an amateur myself.

 

Question: How much of a dissection are you looking for? Scale of 1 to 10 with a "1" being a "that's nice dear" and never really saying much else. A "5" being your high school teacher using the red pen and a "10" being a blood bath of red ink?

[Bunnyburn he/him]

I am wanting to improve. The more critical you are the better. That being said, I have done a 2nd draft and I am providing a dl link. I apologize is downloading a .doc file is a hassle, but in pasting my scene from a word processor into the message box, I lose all formatting and such.

I am an avid reader. If reading is a skill, then I am very talented. Writing however has always been trouble. Mostly it is a self-expression block, but I am also unsure on some of the finer points of writing. (Such as dialogue, paragraphing, and assigning and reassigning of pronouns.) That being said, I buckled down and wrote this little fictional passage. I didn't really plan so much as wrote in a stream of thought. I would greatly appreciate opinions, advice, grammatical/formatting corrections. 

Here it is:

[link name=2nd draft]https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/Spire.docx?_subject_uid=294061912&w=AAD9XxRu84ZFSvibhbEzEgVJBE7ZQSn9yWcWlPqpCwJFww [/link]

[Bunnyburn he/him]

sorry for the double post and cluttered download link. I assumed mark-up worked on this forum. The download link works fine however. For future reference, can I edit my posts after submitting them?

[WriteNowDave he/him]

I tried to download it but DropBox gave me a page permission issue.

[Bunnyburn he/him]

https://www.dropbox.com/s/o9g1lrqnjv2gn9o/Spire.docx

That should work. Apologies for private link.

[WriteNowDave he/him]

Got it.

 

I will try to review over the weekend

[WriteNowDave he/him]

Hi Bunnyburn,

 

Do you want it privately sent back? If so where?

[Bunnyburn he/him]

You can e-mail it to me

[email protected]

Thank you

[Bunnyburn he/him]

https://www.dropbox.com/s/8rwc80tqcyrv4g2/Spire.docx

I think I need a new file distributor... old link disavled for "security reasons"

[Virtual Mayhem he/him]

I read over it and really enjoyed it, and then re-read it to make some comments for improvement.  I really liked it and I hope you continue with this idea/character as I think there's a lot you could do with it.