The Midas Gauntlet Sir Robert August 22 Chapter 2

[Sir Robert]

In chapter 2 Tommy continues his experience in the book world. He meets the great wolf chief Rendall and gains his first talent. At the end of the first chapter he finds himself on the edge of a battle and finds to his horror that he is in charge.

Chapter 1 Tommy Travers loves books, He doesn't have any friends, doesn't care about sports and doesn't bother with girls. At least not yet. When he turns fourteen is when it all started. As Tommy is reading his greatest wish is granted. He is pulled into the story and gets to meet the characters and live the adventures he has always dreamed about. His first experience is in People of the Plains, a book about a tribe of people who live with, and communicate with wolves. He is pulled in during the hunt of a great buck. Tommy gets to experience first hand the difference between reading and living an adventure.

Sir Robert

Edited August 24, 2011 by Sir Robert

[Asmodemon he/him]

I really liked the opening here between Tommy and his ‘dirty wife’, a great reversal of the trope of the guy falling into a different world and meeting the love of his life. The stories never mention rolls of fat I did expect her to say something when Tommy spurned her instead of her immediately bursting into tears. The character Tamaska is married to Mylva, they know each other pretty well. The way she talked makes me think the two of them are pretty open with each other and given how the women characters of the village talk to the men it’s not a traditional patriarchal society, so why didn’t she ask him what was wrong? Everyone sees him act differently but no one asks the question.

At the den when he meets the other woman I missed having a bit of description for her, we’re still getting to know the setting so having more visuals to key in on would help a lot. I’m making a guess here that this isn’t the only book Tommy is going to end up in, but even so it would help make this ‘temporary’ setting more real. Since this is also new to Tommy he’d have a reason to pay attention to how the people look.

I felt that Tommy reacted too readily to the voice speaking in his mind, that he and Rendall are connected. He reacts to readily, passively, to everything. It’s all still a wonder to him to be sure, but he’s old enough to realize he might never go home, yet he’s not worried in the slightest. The other characters are too easy on him too. In such a primitive society I’d more easily expect Tommy as Tamaska to be taken to a witch doctor because some demon is possessing him. Instead he also gets a new ability and immediately knows how to use it, which does fall into the trope of the guy falling into a fantasy world, so I didn’t much like that.

The end was a good cliff-hanger and Tommy is afraid he’s going to die. Good, I’ve been waiting for the fear to kick in. In all though it was a pretty good chapter, though it felt too easy in places. I suspect Tamaska is something of a chief so Tommy can ride on his reputation a bit as he gets his bearings, and that’s the reason people aren’t grilling him on his passive and OOC behaviour. As a result I didn't really connect with him except right at the start and right at the end of the chapter.

[Sir Robert]

I really liked the opening here between Tommy and his ‘dirty wife’, a great reversal of the trope of the guy falling into a different world and meeting the love of his life. The stories never mention rolls of fat I did expect her to say something when Tommy spurned her instead of her immediately bursting into tears. The character Tamaska is married to Mylva, they know each other pretty well. The way she talked makes me think the two of them are pretty open with each other and given how the women characters of the village talk to the men it’s not a traditional patriarchal society, so why didn’t she ask him what was wrong? Everyone sees him act differently but no one asks the question.

At the den when he meets the other woman I missed having a bit of description for her, we’re still getting to know the setting so having more visuals to key in on would help a lot. I’m making a guess here that this isn’t the only book Tommy is going to end up in, but even so it would help make this ‘temporary’ setting more real. Since this is also new to Tommy he’d have a reason to pay attention to how the people look.

I felt that Tommy reacted too readily to the voice speaking in his mind, that he and Rendall are connected. He reacts to readily, passively, to everything. It’s all still a wonder to him to be sure, but he’s old enough to realize he might never go home, yet he’s not worried in the slightest. The other characters are too easy on him too. In such a primitive society I’d more easily expect Tommy as Tamaska to be taken to a witch doctor because some demon is possessing him. Instead he also gets a new ability and immediately knows how to use it, which does fall into the trope of the guy falling into a fantasy world, so I didn’t much like that.

The end was a good cliff-hanger and Tommy is afraid he’s going to die. Good, I’ve been waiting for the fear to kick in. In all though it was a pretty good chapter, though it felt too easy in places. I suspect Tamaska is something of a chief so Tommy can ride on his reputation a bit as he gets his bearings, and that’s the reason people aren’t grilling him on his passive and OOC behaviour. As a result I didn't really connect with him except right at the start and right at the end of the chapter.

Thanks Asmondemon, your comments on my first chapter really helped and these will as well. Tommy doesn't worry about getting back too much because he is drinking in the fun and adventure of it all. He is fourteen and still invincible in his mind so worrying about the dangerous possibilities would be OOC. He will definitely need to consider that problem in the chapters to come. Again thanks for the critique, it really helps.

[akoebel]

Yes, the bit with the wife was funny. I wish it had lasted a little longer.

My main complaint here will echo Asmodemon's : your character seems devoid of emotions altogether. He should be worried about how to go back to his world, but he isn't. He should be frightened to go into the wolves lair (even after the warning ht got from the girl he met there), He should be frightened by his wife, and so on. All I sensed was a mild curiosity, as if he was walking in a dream and felt that nothing was real.

While I'm on the subject, his motivations to visit the wolves den seemed small. One instant, he's walking in the village, hiding behind his eating, and the next, he's like "let's see my old friend the wolf leader", and he's off.

One question about the wolves relationship with the humans : in chapter 1, you hinted that humans and wolves did live together. If so, why is it not safe for a human to go visit his friends wolves?

One last thing : the early parts of the chapter felt slow to read. Some sentences there felt very awkward.

[Asmodemon he/him]

Thanks Asmondemon, your comments on my first chapter really helped and these will as well. Tommy doesn't worry about getting back too much because he is drinking in the fun and adventure of it all. He is fourteen and still invincible in his mind so worrying about the dangerous possibilities would be OOC. He will definitely need to consider that problem in the chapters to come. Again thanks for the critique, it really helps.

I'm glad you find my comments useful

I don’t really agree with your point about Tommy. He doesn’t fit in well at school, his father is missing/abandoned his family, he spends his time reading books. This is not the making of a popular person, this is the making of a misfit bookworm with few friends who ought to feel very lucky if he isn’t teased mercilessly in school. This type of character has no reason to feel invincible. He comes across as socially awkward and at that age that isn’t a confidence boost.

But Tommy isn’t just confident he feels invincible in a barbaric world with no way home, no idea how or if he is ever going to see his family again. All he sees is the ‘adventure’ and ‘fun’. To me that just isn’t believable. He’s old enough to consider the implications of what happened, he should be worried, he should be scared, and if he were to overcome that it’s character growth. But he’s already at the top of his game, you can’t top invincible, so it doesn’t feel like there’s character growth at all and that there isn’t going to be any either.

That leaves us with a character who’s not believable, isn’t emotionally invested in his plight, and can’t grow – except in special powers and fighting skills. The problem is that this isn’t an interesting character to read about.

[Sir Robert]

Lots to think about here. I will give it some consideration and again thanks.