Explain a Sanderson Book Badly

[Agewalker]

Hey everyone.

I'm challenging you guys to explain the plot of any story by Brandon, taking every effort to make the book sound as strange, corny, or bizarre as possible, all while remaining technically true to the actual storyline.

 

For example:

Elantris: A bald zombie learns magic tricks.

 

Edited September 24, 2017 by Agewalker

[Modal Seoul he/him]

Alcatraz:

Spoiler

Rutabaga.

 

[manukos he/him]

a man stops a zombie army by breathing on statues 
or at least i think so it has been a while since i read warbreaker

 

[Zennix he/him]

Stormlight Archive: World War V (Voidbringer) 

[Nathrangking he/him]

SA

Spoiler

Surgeon learns to kill, gets good at it, and then gets sold into slavery.

 

[Draginon he/him]

Mistborn: so much ash, so little food

[Agewalker]

The Emperor's Soul: The story of an elderly politician, and his secret relationship with a young artist.

[Tharandin]

Words of Radiance

Spoiler

Some brown-eyed guy who hates primary-colored-eyed nobles suddenly got blue eyes thanks to a sword made out of dead souls

#bummer