TWD - Chapter 14 - kais 05/22/17 4769 words (S*)

[kais]

TWD may be skewing more dark fairy tale than dark fantasy. Unsure at this point. Anyway, here is the final glacier installment!

Edit: whoops, sorry everyone! Forgot there was a kissing scene in here. S* for kissing and some mention of breasts.

Edited May 23, 2017 by kais

[Robinski he/him]

Comments. (Aw, man – I've got to type these out again instead of just keeping them in-line tracked changes).

• “and the density from all those glacial conversations” – I don’t quite follow the train of thought here. Is ‘density’ the word you meant? Just a bit tortured, maybe.
• “the coarseness of the scabs” – where are the scabs? Bit confused.
• “She lowered her hand back to my hip” – I know what, you mean, but I think you need the words when it’s a specific thing (the hand) that’s being lowered. However you could probably get away with ‘she returned to my hip’, which could be her attention.
• “reveling in the how much”
• “might have been a beaver’s house” – shouldn’t you call it a lodge?
• “They’ll be an inn tonight” – there’ll
• I enjoy Sor being tempted back to fungi
• I like the emergence of detail about the negotiations.
• Ooh, nice stinger at the end of the chapter.

There’s lots of good stuff in this chapter, and lots of it links into earlier themes and references; very satisfying. The ‘breaking’ of the tension between Sor and Mag is also a relief. I feel like there’s a point where you can take sexual tension too far, and the reader gets p’d off, in a bad way. I think this timing is good.

<R>

[rdpulfer he/him]

- The first line could be a bit tighter, maybe "Morning brought sun, but not heat."

- I like that Sorin is struggling to throw off alchemy, even by just noticing what the fungi. It's a really subtle take on temptation.

- I also really like the stinger at the end.

[kais]

Wow, how far behind am I? Catching up!

On 5/23/2017 at 0:23 AM, Robinski said:

Is ‘density’ the word you meant?

It is tortured, isn't it? I'll play around with better words.

On 5/23/2017 at 0:23 AM, Robinski said:

where are the scabs?

Edited

On 5/23/2017 at 0:23 AM, Robinski said:

but I think you need the words

Good call, good call.

On 5/23/2017 at 0:23 AM, Robinski said:

shouldn’t you call it a lodge?

Er, yes?

On 5/23/2017 at 0:23 AM, Robinski said:

I feel like there’s a point where you can take sexual tension too far, and the reader gets p’d off, in a bad way.

Yes this! One can only take so much before something has to give. Unfortunately, the next chapter doesn't have it give in a great way. Thank you so much for the comments!

On 5/23/2017 at 4:22 PM, rdpulfer said:

he first line could be a bit tighter,

Solid. Editing. 

On 5/23/2017 at 4:22 PM, rdpulfer said:

It's a really subtle take on temptation.

Thank you! It's hard to throw off what you've worked your whole life towards. Thank you, as always, for the comments!