Reading Excuses - 08.08.16 - AuthorityHellas16 - The Thousand Yard Stare - Chapter 1, Resubmit [V, L]

[AuthorityHellas16 he/him]

Hello again, all!

 

This is a re-submit of the first chapter of the Thousand Yard Stare. I promise I won’t make a habit of this, otherwise no new content will ever reach you guys. However, given that it’s early days, I’m submitting as I write and that I get so many great suggestions and bits of advice from the Reading Excuses community, I feel I must beg your indulgence just this once. Feel free to gloss over anything that sounds familiar. 

 

The main purpose of rewriting most of this chapter was to address concerns some commenters had expressed about the depth of characters. Now while I plan on giving every major character their day in the sun at some stage (a la the Mistborn trilogy), the character that must have depth from the start is, of course, Atena. To that end, I’ve re-written a lot of her dialogue and interactions, hoping to give you, the reader, insights into some of the demons that plague her, her motivations for stubbornly continuing to fight for the better part of a decade, and her relationships with other characters, chief of whom (in this chapter) are her close friend Marcus and her adoptive sister Eleanor or’Shan. I also tried to begin exploring how all of these bits and pieces inform Atena’s interactions with the world around her. Now I can’t create a fully fleshed out character in one chapter, nor is that the aim. But I want to know if I’m on the right path with this re-write. 

 

Any other issues/compliments/comments on the writing, grammar, style, other characters, setting etc. etc. are more than welcome as well. 

 

As always, thank you all!

 

AH16

[Hobbit]

I think this was better.  I like that we get to see more of Eleanor, and I think Marcus’s friendship seems just as well-established as before.  Aetna herself definitely felt more fleshed out.  I did feel like you were more in a groove writing about Marcus than you were about Eleanor.  Marcus’s actions read as very natural to me - he tries to approach helping Aetna from different angles, which shows that he’s a good friend but also familiar with her needs.  And the fact that we see his statue later in the chapter was a cool moment for me, even reading it the second time.  It’s like, “Wow, this person is way cooler and more important than I realized.”  The juxtaposition between his kind, casual demeanor with Aetna and his statue gives me as a reader a lot of character depth to look forward to.

Eleanor’s character wasn’t as clear for me.  She’s certainly seems like a caring sister, and she seems mildly annoyed that Aetna’s not paying attention to her plans, but I wish I had a better handle on her.  Is she like Marcus, primarily concerned with Aenta’s well-being?  Or is there more to her?

Aenta’s character also seems better done here.  She’s still clearly tortured by her past experiences, but I like that you showed different aspects of that - she expresses her intellectual guilt to her sister, she expresses her desire for vengeance to Marcus, and she experiences visceral psychological effects once back in her room.  Between those things and her inner narration about the city and how she would like to fix it, she definitely felt more like a full character.  As a reader, I’m hoping that in the next few chapters I get to see her resist and/or fight with her inner demons in creative ways (even if she loses).

A few more specific suggestions:

• Part of my trouble with Eleanor was I was always unclear about her age relationship to Aetna.  You call her “young” on the first page and a “sleeping girl” later on, but then you also are characterizing her as an accomplished engineer and show her carrying Aetna back to bed.  Is she an adult or a child?  Is she older or younger?  Because that can make such a huge difference in sibling relationships.
• During the entire first page, I was picturing them outside, only to discover they were in an office!

Nice job!  Looking forward to more, as usual.

[kais]

Overall

This gets stronger every time I read it. I was so engrossed in the narrative this time around that I didn't even have any comments until page three. This chapter needs some thread of tension, whether it's Atena's PTSD or some plot element. Right now it is great world building and character building, but the plot appears to be absent. I'd also like to see more of her PTSD early on, at least in snippets.

Nice work!

As I go

- page three: why is she walking when she can fly? If I could fly I would for sure use that mode of transport over walking down allies with strung outs and drunks

- page three: this nightspawn and Cronus thing is still confusing to me as to their relationship with Atena. Are we supposed to know that yet?

- page four: as she passes her own statue this is a prime opportunity to give us a description of Atena

- the mansions described on page five bring to mind the victor villages from Hunger Games

- page six: the PTSD comes on without any foreshadowing. It'd be great to have little hints of it scattered throughout the narrative. You'd build clear tension to the end here and give us more empathy for Atena

- page six: her PTSD flashback is pretty vague. It'd have more impact if it was one or two specific scenes with detail

 

[Coop]

I thought this was a strong chapter, a noticeable improvement on your original version. Most importantly, I thought that you established Atena's character and emotional situation well and, as a reader, I am interested in knowing where things go next for her.

One thing to watch out for is making sure "the man behind the curtain" is well concealed. For example, when the poor child on the street showed up, my initial thought was, "Ah yes, the author wants me to see that Atena is compassionate and in touch with those of poorer circumstances." I had a similar reaction to her post-traumatic episode at the end of the chapter.

Nice work!

[AuthorityHellas16 he/him]

Thanks everyone for the amazing feedback. I'm starting to sound like a broken record by saying that, but I do mean it. It's gratifying to see how far this story has come. And we're just getting started! 

• Your notes on the characters are much appreciated. Eleanor was a bit of a late addition to the story, and I don't think I've fleshed her out quite as much as the other characters. Rest assured it'll get better. I'm glad to see that Atena and Marcus are becoming more rounded. I hope to continue to improve
• The nightspawn and Cronus I hope to make clearer in the next chapter, but I appreciate that it's definitely something that I have to improve on. 

A couple of specific points, for funsies:

• Atena and Marcus are NOT romantically involved at this stage. But they have known each other for thousands of years, and are perhaps closer than two people in a relationship because they know each other so well. Whether that blossoms into something else once Atena is able to overcome her demons remains to be seen . Do you reckon it needs to be more explicit?
• Atena's PTSD (as will be revealed in the coming chapters) is a constant source of shame for her, and is something she hides as best she can from all except those closest to her. Rest assured, this will be explored in full!

Can't wait for you to read the next chapter. Thanks again!

[AuthorityHellas16 he/him]

@ErneiI think I mentioned (or at least alluded to) the fact that humans in this universe have protracted lifespans in the prologue (which I don't think you've read). I could send it to you if you're interested