Trying to write a hook for the begining of a book

[bobsaveg he/him]

So I have been trying to write hooks for the beginig of books and this is just one of my test samples lte me know what you think and please feel welcome to leave feedback

 

 

sorry I fixed it i had left off the end in a previous version

 

 

The Agency Tombs

Free Agent

 

 

When I was younger I once found a young snake while playing in the hills near my home. I thought it was Skybelly which are very rare, practically harmless, and valuable once grown. Named for the light blue markings on their underside, they closely resemble another more deadly serpent, the Golden Mouth, who look identical to a Skybelly except for the bright golden skin on the roof of their mouths.

 

I cared for my pet, kept him hidden, kept him safe. I was careful to always stay one step ahead of him, for he often tried to escape from his cage. As he grew I tried to anticipate his strength, always making his cage bigger and stronger to keep him in. Despite my efforts I was not overly concerned when I found he had escaped, after all he was harmless and I would find him eventually.  

 

I went into the woods in search of food for my lost pet hoping to entice him back onto his cage. When I returned home I found...

 

 Death.

 

 My sister lay in mothers lap near the chicken coop her skin gray and cold, a patch of it near her hand blackened and swollen, a basket of broken eggs lay near her, mother slumped unnaturally over her, as if her back had lost all rigidness. She too, was ashen and dead. On the ground near her in the dirt lay my father's walking stick with some sort of golden liquid near its end. I then saw the frantic marks their boots had left in the dirt. My mother running from the house and another set of larger prints coming from and then returning to the house in a rush. My father's tracks. I walked hollowly towards the house following his trail. When I reached the back door it lay broken off its hinges. Entering our kitchen I saw blood on the floor and counters, a bloody knife lay also on the floor. Father's boot prints now bloody, lead into the living room. It was there I found him laying over the table with a belt tied around his arm. His arm, it was covered in blood and looked to have been slashed multiple times. He was dead. Now I was alone.

 

Who could have done this!, my heart cried, but my head knew the answer. I had seen the blackened skin before.

 

I made my way back to the chicken coop. My footsteps heavy and my heart even heavier. stepping into the coop I saw my pet curled into a corner trying to fit a whole chicken down its throat. After sensing my presence it vomited it back up revealing the gold at the roof of his mouth. It then began slithering towards me, sliding over another dead chicken to reach me. Holding out my hand my pet slid up it curling around it twice before I picked up the rest of him with my other hand. Holding him before me I felt such a fool this was my doing, it was my fault. How could this happen. In that moment my pet flicked it's forked tongue out. I don't know why but that act made me so angry so furious that I felt a great rage build up inside me. Die! I commanded Just die!  I began squeezing the snake with all my strength and it began to writhe in my grip,  but no matter how hard I squeezed it still lived. You will die!  I didn't speak the words I felt them, with all the force of my soul I willed them into the snake.

 

The shackles my father had placed upon my wrists for as long as I could remember Shattered. The snake instantly went limp in my hands. In surprise and disgust I dropped it to the ground.

 

It was not until years later when a new pair of shackles bound me that I realized, I was the snake. My family had kept me hidden, protected me, kept me safe. Because of me they died and now I have been set loose to the world. Now I am Bound again to a new home, a new master, and I am his new pet. He thinks me a Skybelly, but has brought a Golden Mouth into his home instead. For I will not be chained. I will be a Free Agent.

Edited February 19, 2016 by bobsaveg

[bobsaveg he/him]

sorry everyone I totally left off the ending of the scene I fixed the post for you

[The Honor Spren she/her]

I think that hook works well. I would say earlier on that he wears shackles. It feels sort of lik deux ex machina, in a way? Even though it is just a small hook.

But it's good, now I want to learn more.

[bobsaveg he/him]

I think that hook works well. I would say earlier on that he wears shackles. It feels sort of lik deux ex machina, in a way? Even though it is just a small hook.

But it's good, now I want to learn more.

Thanks. now that you mention it. The line does seem out of place and mentioning them earlier would get you wondering more. Now where to splice in something about the shackles.

 

As for more this scene popped into my head while reading a book sample and I have not made any real definitive rules to the magic system or much  more then just a basic plot. I'll add what I can later though thanks