Kammererite-Essence of Fire Vial 4 Sub 8 (V,D,L)

[Kammererite]

Hi all, Due to computer issues i didn't not think I would get to submit this but here it is, the final submission for my of Essence of Fire Story. 

 

As always all comments and feedback are welcome, but i also have a few specific ending questions.

 

1) Was the ending to Dues ex Machina?

2) Did i miss resolving anything you wanted to see resolved? 

 

Also if you have any capstone story comment on the story as a whole please let me know.

Thanks in advance.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Okay! I've been really excited to see this! 

 

- I like the horror of having Kang's father present as one of the beasts. Just one thing - he is the Owl-Neehut, right? You might want to make sure to remind the audience of that every now and then.

 

- I've said this before, but I have mixed feelings on the present tense. I think it works when Kang is in the middle of the action, but it doesn't necessarily work when the action is happening to the other characters. That said, I'm very engaged and in suspense on what's going to happen next.

 

- I really like the struggle between Kang and the phoenix' s consciousness, especially as he burns through, well, just about everyone. This passage was one of the most suspenseful among the book. 

 

- The ending hits the right beats plot-wise, but I felt it left a lot out emotionally. He barely mentions his father and I wanted something more between him and Lumi at the very end.

 

- Overall, I thought it was a very solid, suspenseful story. It could probably be at least another 10-20k longer, but you've got the hard part down - keeping the reader interested. 

[Kammererite]

Thanks RDP.

Yes he is the owl-Neetut. Ill add a reminder in now and again.

 

-Good point about present tense, i think this is also a first person issue. i all ready cut back on the action of Lumi, ( i want to show her being kick chull but in first person present i can't justify kang just sitting there and watching her kill things) 

 

-Thanks!!

 

-Good to know. I'll have to think ion the Kang Lumi connection at the end as i need them to be estranged/distant at the start of the next novella i wrote.

 

-I have no idea where to put another 10k to be honest, maybe buff up the descriptions throughout the story.

Thanks again for reading.

[Robinski he/him]

I found the ending of the story a little strange, anticlimactic almost. Kang becomes a knight, but having lost his leg, I feel that he won’t be able to play a particularly active role in whatever knightly duties he might have. As a result, the ending felt like a downer, I thought, in part at least. I liked a lot of the conflicts in the story, especially around Kang’s father being turned, but didn’t feel much empathy with many of the characters, Kang and his father excepted.

 

I thought the setting was well realised, although there were times you could maybe have stressed or reminded us of the cold, wintery conditions and how they made the characters feel. The creatures were handled pretty well, I thought and the big bad in the form of Mistress Cali was certainly suitably manic and controlling. I'm not sure that the druids ever felt like they would have been a threat to the wider population, like the army proper would have mopped them up easily enough.

 

There were some surprising developments, like Kang’s father being transformed and the traitor in their midst. All-in-all, pretty enjoyable without blowing my socks off. Thank you for submitting. Detailed comments below, mostly typos.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

“It’s okay, if I can’t handle the essence then I will slaughter all the people who helped me try to escape” – how is this okay?

 

“The other satyr’s club”

 

“four paces away”

 

“the satyr’s shoulder”

 

“My body is suffused”

 

“drops to the ground and rolls”

 

“into its head”

 

“seizing its prey chest (?) with my hands” – What’s a prey chest, and the last part is redundant, how else can he seize it?

 

“as small fires spreading across the creature’s body”

 

 “a predator rises up”

 

“from the hunter’s face”

 

“where an antlerless-antlered prey” – awkward phrasing. I think I know what you mean, but tripped me up for a second or two.

 

“bear her to the glacier, pinning her body”

 

“The pack leader’s screams echo / reverberate within me and a chorus of images clouds my vision”

 

“A shrike shriek of agony”

 

“The feathers on the creature’s right shoulder are marred with burns”

 

“The feathered predator’s other talon”

 

“feathers and flesh blacken to ash and fall away”

 

“The shirking shrieking creature twists”...etc.

 

“It’s over”

 

“I easily side step the old hunter” – Why does he do this, when he’s killed everything else in front of him? It doesn’t seem logical, but like a story device the keep the character alive.

 

“I curl in to a ball and slowly sinking into the ice”

 

The word is “olemus”, right? Are all the different spellings meant to be a device, or are they just mistakes? They look like mistakes.

 

“looking for the reaming remaining warlock”

 

“the newest knight of House Merikhiv”

 

“I almost chock choke on the water”

 

“before gathering her robe and leaves” – reads like there are leaves scattered around the room and she’s collecting them up.

 

“Do you here hear that father”

 

“A tear runs down my eye cheek”

 

“The blanket lays lies oddly flat”

[Kammererite]

Thank you for reading.

 

Ending: good point. I will think on this.

 

Knights: I think that i need to change this words throughout my story as its primary meaning is a warrior, rather then a social standing and it gives the wrong impression. In my world knight is more in line with the current embodiment of knighthood in the 21st century.

 

Characterization: Noted and is something I will try to improve upon. I really need to solve Lumi's Multiple character disorder as i cannot seem to get a grasp on her character.

 

Setting reminders: Will keep an eye out for this.

 

Druid threat: would it help if i slipped in the fact that this is only one cell/brood of warlocks part of a larger group working together? 

 

Side stepping Varrik:  Opps. I kinda want him to live for another story but he isn't really important. would it be more believable if Kang just lit him a fire as he steps around him and left him burning as he advances on Lumi.

 

Earlier in one of your other critiques you mentioned you were worried that Lumi might fall it the helpless Damsel in distress stereotype. Was i able to avoid this stereotype/trope sufficiently? 

[Robinski he/him]

Druid threat: would it help if i slipped in the fact that this is only one cell/brood of warlocks part of a larger group working together?    Like a warlock army? Cool. I suppose it would leave your story in a sort of 'Well, we won that battle, but now we have to face ten thousand more' sort of place, which I don't think is necessarily a problem.

 

Side stepping Varrik:  Opps. I kinda want him to live for another story but he isn't really important. would it be more believable if Kang just lit him a fire as he steps around him and left him burning as he advances on Lumi.    I think it's just a case of ensuring that Kang (in his 'possessed' state) behaves consistently towards each enemy that appears in front of him. To me that means he would attack / kill Varrik, or some external force removed Varrik from being between Kang and Lumi.

 

Earlier in one of your other critiques you mentioned you were worried that Lumi might fall it the helpless Damsel in distress stereotype. Was i able to avoid this stereotype/trope sufficiently?     I think you did.I don't remember ever feeling that about her. I reckon she felt like one of the guys, and I don't mean in a bad way, like she fitted naturally into the story, but I get what you meant earlier about tying down her personality.