Starslash, Mark I

[loganmathewjohnson]

So, I am an aspiring Fantasy writer, and a few people I know suggested putting my work here. There's a brief introduction on my site, but essentially it's a YA Fantasy novel I wrote for NaNoWriMo. Anyone who wants to read and comment, THANKS!!! Follow the instructions on the site.

 

https://sites.google.com/site/starslashmark1

 

Or, for you fellow Sharders, you can leave your comments here. Thanks in advance to any helpers!

[Aether he/him]

I shall try to read in in the weeks to come. I'll write my impressions as I read, though, so I'll hopefully be of some use to you quite soon.

[Claincy he/him]

Ok I've now had the time and energy to start reading it

I think I'll post thoughts chapter by chapter as I go.

I will say that thus far I am enjoying it well enough.

A couple of notes first though.
-I appreciate a good book but I'm no author, anything I say is far from the be all and end all.
-I mostly read full-length novels so some of what I say may apply a bit less to something this length.
-Sorry if I seem a tad harsh at times, it won't be intentional
-Some of these are not major concerns so much as simple comments/suggestions that you can take on board or ignore as you wish. I may end up pointing out a lot more things that I don't like than those I do as I find them easier to notice and recall. That doesn't mean that I mostly don't like what you've written I am not going to end every point I write here with "Just a suggestion"
-Some of my comments are stylistic or character/story etc related and a few are just editorial bits and pieces that I think might improve it a bit.

A couple of general notes from what I have read so far:

-The world seems somewhat unoriginal thus far. Maybe a tad harsh, but noble-magic wielding, constrained elves in comparison to feisty, riotous humans and dislike and conflict between them is certainly not a new concept. The comparison of elven magic to human science is a bit less used though it feels very familiar. This isn't necessarily a huge problem as their is a certain appeal to those tales which is why they have been so many stories about them. The main character being a never-do-well outcast is also a common trope but as I haven't read far enough to see where his character goes I don't think there is anything really wrong with that. Your elves etc may turn out to be more unique later but I am only in the second chapter while I am writing this.

-The magic system on the other hand is more interesting. It has a couple of common ideas and is less restrictive and defined than I personally prefer magic systems but that is really personal taste. It has enough new ideas and potential to keep me interested in where you take it in the rest of the story.

-The descriptions that you put in seem very utilitarian to me. It feels a bit like reading a fact sheet at times when you are describing something rather than immersing me in the world and the story. It's not really bad, some of the descriptions are good, but I think you could put more feeling and life into them if that makes sense.

-You also occasionally use the same descriptive words in adjacent sentences. Which can be slightly repetitive at times. It is more interesting if you mix up the vocabulary a little. It isn't that the words you are using are bad, it is just when you describe two things using the same adjective, one in one sentence and one in the next.

So,

Chapter I

It feels rushed to me, this may carry on in future chapters too. However this may be largely a symptom of me being accustomed to much longer stories that have much more time to put in details. All the same I feel like adding some more incidental things could help. For example when Zac and Xatar are walking to the inn perhaps a couple of lines on how Zac is wondering who this person really is and what he could possibly want with him. Zac seems to sort of just roll with it till they get into their room and then he is suddenly brimming with questions. It just feels like an easily rectified jump. I do realize that Xatar was talking most of the time they were walking, but a line starting with something like "As Xatar talked Zac wondered.....".

I would like to note that I do enjoy the dry wit you utilize. Examples such as the "remarkably informative sign" and how he hadn't actually entered the village yet but he was sure this one would be different I find quite entertaining.

A few tents littered the square, but for the most part, it was barren of all civilization. But now, Zac could see where they were going: A large stone building at the far end of the square, which Zac knew to be the ‘Inn and Public Office Building’, Thanks to a remarkably informative sign he read as they approached. They entered into a remarkably barren common room.

Here is what I mentioned earlier about reusing adjectives. They are really just a bit too close together. They work well in either situation but both together like that feels repetitive.

“No,” Xatar stated as they approached the bar, where a bleary eyed man sat, half asleep. No doubt the poor fellow is waiting for someone to liven up the place a little. Zac thought. “This is quiet.” Xatar went on, completely oblivious to Zac’s train of thought. “It will suit our purposes exactly.” As they approached, the man sat up, doing his best to look alert.

This felt like too many ideas bouncing around in the same paragraph. It seemed like the focus shifted too much. It might be better if there was a new line after Zac thought.

“I’ve been there. And tried it. It isn’t. Besides, every Lens I’ve seen is circular or elliptical in shape. The palace is sprawled out; a giant labyrinth.” Came the curt reply.

The short sentences fit it being a curt reply but it still feels too long to really be curt. This is directly after he talks for a couple of paragraphs.

Then not too far into chapter 2 you have:

“Magic. Get used to it.” Always a curt reply with Xatar.

So I get that you are trying to characterize him as being curt but the majority of his dialogue isn't and it feels rather inconsistent with how you are trying to portray him here. The difficulty is that you need him to give the exposition for the world and magic to explain to Zac and the reader, but at the same time you are trying to give him a character where he wouldn't go on like that :/ Perhaps noting after or during some of his explanations that he seemed grumpy about being forced to explain things or similar would make it feel more consistent.


(...If you wanted someone to just be nice to you about your writing you maaay want to ask other people )

Edited January 13, 2014 by lord Claincy Ffnord

[Claincy he/him]

(Given how long that first post turned out I figured I should put at least some chapters in separate posts. If this is a problem to anyone let me know.)

 

Chapter 2

 

 

After the previous night’s events, Xatar had sauntered into his bed, refusing to talk to Zac, or answer any more of his questions. The man certainly did have a sense for the dramatic.

Xatar likes being dramatic, ok. But it would be nice if this was more apparent in his dialogue. Add him pausing for dramatic effect before he revealed that he could use both magics for example. (I know that at that point him being a shadowdusker would mean very little to Zac, this is perhaps an opportunity for Xatar to get slightly annoyed at Zac not giving an appropriately awed reaction.) There are a couple of bits that in retrospect could show some degree of a sense for the dramatic, but they aren't obviously so at the time.

 

 

“Still, the idea thrilled him.”

Wait sorry. Which idea? Was it the idea of killing someone? The idea of an adventure? The idea of actually doing something worthwhile?

This could be a very good moment for learning about Zac's character but I left it feeling uncertain what exactly I had just learned. Just a few more words could make this a useful sentence rather than an uncertain one.

 

 

The face of a dark hooded figure appeared in front of him.

“Ah! Xatar, would you stop doing that?” Aono exclaimed. “You rather startle me.”

“Apologies, Aono. Is Miir with you?”

“No, she isn’t. You’ll be here by the end of the week, though?”

“Yes.” Xatar replied. “But you know I can’t stay.”

“I know. But perhaps, maybe one night?” Aono implored.

“I cannot.” Came the reply.

“Xatar-”

This section confused me for a moment. We had just learned that Xatar had left the inn at some point and here he was appearing to an elf in a very dark room. Initially I thought that it was just that he was wearing dark clothing in the dark room so only his face was really visible rather than the mirromancy that was actually going on. I realise that the reader doesn't know about mirromancy yet but I didn't actually realise that anything odd was going on. I was just confused by "You'll be here by the end of the week, though" as I thought he was already there and so a couple of lines of dialogue there didn't make sense at the time. Maybe it was just me being thick but maybe there is a way to make it slightly clearer that it is just his head appearing so that the conversation actually makes any sense before mirromancy is mentioned.

 

 

“You know she won’t recognize you. The man she knew- not “Xatar Shadowdusker”- is dead. She may never fall in love with you again.”

The second sentence about never falling in love with you again just feels odd to me. I'm not sure how to say why though :?

Initially I had thought (as we were supposed to) that he just wanted Miir on the team because she would be an asset, but from this I take it he does have hopes of rekindling their relationship? I don't think there is anything remotely wrong with that narratively, it adds to his character a bit actually, but that line just feels a bit odd. *shrug*

 

As I noted under chapter one we have Xatar being curt as "always" but then followed by more exposition. He does snap at Zac a little which is good, but then blames it on imbalance in the usage of his magic. Then again, if you are going to investigate how he is a bit inconsistent and a little messed up buy the way his attitudes shift as he uses the different magic I am all for it That could be a very interesting character->magic system interaction.

 

 

“I shouldn’t have to explain everything to you.” Xatar snapped. “This is hardly difficult-” He cut himself off. “I’m sorry, Zac. I just had to use a rather remarkable amount of Dark Magic, and it’s… Challenging… Sometimes to manage your personality amid such a turbulent change. I left you in order to use the Dark Magic. You see, Mirromancy, the art in which we are currently engaged, requires me to use my Light Magic. That, as I’ve said, makes a person change to an evil state. I could feel myself starting to slip, and I used the Dark Magic to counteract it. I must have used too much- I came back prideful, and short tempered. See, while Dark Magic does technically turn a man good, there’s a danger to it.”

I like the example of the effects of using much of one type of magic or the other but if a bit of mirromancy is enough to change his emotions and attitude to that degree the people who only have one would have to use magic very rarely or they would very rapidly reach the extremes.

 

 

“Exactly. After that, the two of us will regroup with you, at the outpost. After that, we head north, into the Deep Wood territory of the L’Veseld.”

Repetition thing again. Starting two consecutive sentences with the same words is not ideal. Perhaps an "And then" or similar for the second one?

 

I feel like the cheese that Zac eats should be fairly significant but again I am not 100% sure what the significance is. That it was a prized possession indicates how hard his life has been very well, I like it. But it is unclear in exactly which way eating the cheese is significant. I can think of a couple of possibilities, or was it just a small celebration of starting a new life? Either way I do like the moment, I just think you could make more of it.

 

 

If there were people who could use both Light and Dark, what side did they fall on?

I think this really needs a better explanation. I can intuit with some thought that their war was about light magic or dark magic being right/wrong and that shadowduskers existed suggested that maybe neither was and the whole war was a mistake, but if that is the case why were the shadowduskers hunted so much, and still are. It just isn't clear and it seems to be rather important. I also don't see how "patience" really ties in here to what ended the war.

 

On a happier note, shadowduskers sounds cool

 

Two more comments:

Firstly: wood elves and high elves and their fairly standard differences. And then goblins, who are automatically bad guys, because reasons and one of them is even riding a wolf at the start of chapter 3. Just noting the large use of high fantasy tropes again.

 

Secondly: This is a general suggestion, not specific to this chapter. Your world doesn't seem to have any idioms of its own. The setting is early industrial/fantasy but all the characters thus far talk like you would expect in modern day English speaking countries. Only the names reflect the setting. I think it would really help immersion if you had a couple of speech patterns or sayings etc that were unique to the world. Maybe characters could swear by light or dark or "dusk" could be an exclamation given how the shadowduskers are regarded. Just a few things like that could really add to the feel of the world and make it feel more unique and less generic.

[loganmathewjohnson]

Claincy!!!!

 

You are my HERO!!!

 

I didn't realize the danger of high fantasy tropes until you said something. Anyway, the reason I used those tropes is because that was how the original manuscript was. 

 

Thank you for your edits. They are wonderful.  

 

My current project is set in a western civilization style, (Think AoL, but the characters have no magic- rather, some of the greater antagonists do.) I doubt I'll finish it before I leave to serve an LDS mission, but it is much more adult fantasy than Starslash. Starslash was essential in my writing career, however, and I definitely want to edit it to my satisfaction and order myself some free copies.