Waifs and Strays – Submission 5 – 151026 – Chapter 5 - 4561 words (-)

[Robinski he/him]

This is another longish submission, apologies for that. I'll try and keep chapters intact, but there are a couple coming up that are more than 5,000 so, if I keep submitting, I'll certainly break those up.

 

If you have the time to read, I will be very grateful for any comments that you have.

 

Cheers, Robinski

 

[Kammererite]

I guess i will take first blood on this submission.

 

Overall: I found the tension to be nice in the fight and i thought  the characters are progressing i like the reveals about Dyllis and Covelles reactions to them. 

 

Fight: while the action was good in this section some of the sentences felt clunker to me. I tried to pull out the parts that felt clunky to me. Any grammar suggestions take with a grain of salt.

 

Page 80- .... Covelle was up and backing over assorted linens, waving a knife in the harbourmaster’s face, relieved  at the Dyllis’s quick reaction.

 

--Personal opinion but I felt like this information was out of place and should have been closer to the start of the sentence.

 

Page 81- Covelle, not stopping, relied on his sense of direction to ....

--the placement of the violet words throws me out of my rythem. 

 

Page 81-  Covelle thrust a knife at the midriff of his opponent , but the man parried it in a blur. His other fist came over Covelle’s guard and...

--Missing word i think plus the second "his" make me think it Covelle still acting until i read his name as the target.

 

Page 83- ...them and Covelle  fended him off.

--I think this sentence is a great place to expand if you wanted to. I asked my self what happened to the guy a few sentence later.

 

Page 84- ...the flames crawled up onto the bed, soon rising towards the ceiling. 

--Personally i think the sentence flows better with out soon.

 

Page 84 - The first man pushed past him and started up, water slopping out of his bucket as Covelle’s boots hit the cobbles.

--I feel the actions are taken out of order in this sentence even though they are simultaneous. 

 

Page 85- None of the boats was new,...

--Were?

 

Page 86- The town rose above it , its tall quayside buildings,  and beyond them houses....

 

--I do not know what either it is refering to in this sentence. I want to say the first one is referring to the pier, and the second the town?

 

Page 86- After the madness of combat, the fire, the crowd, the wide expanse of water was peaceful.

 

-- i think you need an "and" between fire and crowd.

 

Page 86 - sandbanks reflecting the blue sky...

--just curious but do sand banks reflect the colour of the sky? 

 

Also there are a few times where in my opinion you used pronouns when the use of a proper noun would have made it flow better.

 

 

Back to story points

 

Dyllis being ignored in fight- minor issue but why are they not all attacking her Covelle is dazed. who would you be more worried about people with knifes or the girl who used forbidden magic to melt your friend. 

 

Covelle thinking about helping the kingsmen even for a second - i do not think this idea would even cross Covelle mind. 

 

Influence power. I knew it! Was so happy i was right.

 

Dessel: this felt a little thin as sole evidence to make a connection on given the information you provide. Surely others could grow the herb. 

 

Toe: i don't believe Dyllis used the toe for this. This could be weekly reader syndrome but i will explain my logic.

1) her foot wound was to fresh. and does not align with the story. The wound should be over a week old (removed before she was searching for Covelle).

2) If she has all her other toes then how did they discover her ability of influence or test it if it requires such a big piece of her. that being said if she can influence people to different degrees with different amounts of catalysts then i am willing to concede this point.

 

As a note i get the feeling that Covelle is the protagonist at this point in time as most of the POV has been him.

 

Looking forward to the next.

Cheers

[Robinski he/him]

Influence power. I knew it! Was so happy i was right.  

 

Dessel: this felt a little thin as sole evidence to make a connection on given the information you provide. Surely others could grow the herb.  Good point

 

2) If she has all her other toes then how did they discover her ability of influence or test it if it requires such a big piece of her. that being said if she can influence people to different degrees with different amounts of catalysts then i am willing to concede this point.   These are the lines I am thinking, but I think I need to include this specifically. My reading group wanted more information on casting.

 

As a note i get the feeling that Covelle is the protagonist at this point in time as most of the POV has been him.   Right again, although there are various POVs throughout the story. 

 

These are great comments - I found them very helpful. I've still to polish the whole thing, so I accept that some of the phrasing will be a but cluttered, but you've hit on my bad habit of run-on sentences, which is something I need to curb, and go back and fix in many instances. I don't disagree with many of your grammar point - thank you!

 

Glad you are still enjoying it. I think I will keep posting, if it's still getting comments - spots permitting.

 

Thanks again - much appreciated.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- The first paragraph confused me a bit, since we're right in the action. I take it Dyllis is casting, but the grabbing verb feels more like an attack on her rather than the other way around. Could be Weekly Reader Syndrome.

 

- Thrusting a knife at someone's midriff sounds like a stab, but I was little surprised the man parried it away successfully.  

 

- Like the intrigue with the Kingsmen fighting the Duke's harbormaster.

 

- I like the explanation of Influence and how you are differing it from hypnosis, putting more limitations on it.

 

- A good chapter. The mix of action broke up the info-dumping, but it did seem a little tedious towards the end. Still, I'm very curious where this is going now Covelle and Dyliss are on the same plage. 

[rohyu he/him]

-I was happy to learn some new ways Casting is used, and I am looking forward to learning what is going on with Covelle's father.

 

-My brain might be running extra slow, but the part about Dylis starting the fire was a little unclear to me. I had to read it a few times before I was clear that the fire was in the room and not thrown out the window.

 

-I also had a hard time following exactly what happened in the quay. I am not a boat person at all, so that could be part (or all) of it.

 

-The scene in the boat with Covelle and Dylis talking at the end lasted longer than it needed to in my opinion.

 

Sorry the feedback is late, hopefully better late than never . 

[Robinski he/him]

Thank you RD and Rohyu - feedback much appreciated. Sorry for being out of circulation. I've got a huge commitment at work atm, and decided to do Nano too, which I'm barely keeping up with (although now finished, thank goodness). I just have not been able to give any time to RE at all.

Hope to get through the last few submission week after next. Thanks for reading.

Cheers, R

[rohyu he/him]

If you wanted some feedback on your NaNo book I'd be more than happy to read it.

[Robinski he/him]

That's very kind of you. As it happens, I've used Nano to finish Waifs and Strays - so you're already on the case!

 

Sorry I've been AWOL, but back in line now and needing to catch up with my critiquing.

 

I'll look for a slot to continue Waifs and Strays - or might put it up for Alpha Reading, as it's an awful lot of weeks to get through it. It's topping out about Chapter 42/43.