rohyu Posted September 14, 2015 Report Share Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) I think the cliffhanger I left you guys with won't be the end of chapter 5, just a scene break. All feedback is welcome. Thank you in advance. Theavis(human) can't remember anything about his past. Norlord(human) re-inducted him into the Mage Core alongside Magnus(geoglomite), McTuggard(sentinel), Alnas(human),and Helgrus(parasian). Katinov (human who created the black star Pelegra) has returned after 400 years and an army approaches from the east. The Mage's went to check out the invading army and were attacked. McTuggard tried to escape with Theavis, but couldn't outrun the shades that followed. McTuggard fell to his hands and knees, injured, as the wailing shades circled around him. Relvaris(rusticulan) and Ponsing (achinian) are traveling the around Umas, the western continent. Relvaris, the newly chosen warden of the rusticulan farmlands, hopes to gain some knowledge of the world so that he can become a better leader. Edited September 14, 2015 by rohyu 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted September 16, 2015 Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 - I like the building concern for McTuggard's condition. It also helps build sympathy for Theavis. - I like the line, "Even to stones the ground is unforgiving." - Just noticed now that Relvaris and Theavis sound really similar. You might want to change those two names up. - Be sure the breaks in the chapter feel natural. That don't have to be hooks (although that can certainly help), but they should feel like a good place to switch focus. "Can you check and see if the mayor is okay?" seems awkward to me. - Definitely feel like Relvaris and Theavis run the risk of blurring together since they have similar names and so far occupy similar roles as the point-of-view character thrust into an epic story. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 Straight to the detail, summary below. Chapter 5 ‘summit’ is not a verb. I know you can do that in the States, but it still sounds weird to the rest of us. Some of the phrasing is awkward, like “An army of our own must be assembled” – rather than “We must assemble our own army.” Also, don’t they have an army? I thought one of them at least was a soldier. I like the humour in McTuggard awakening. I'm happy to read a story that has a lightness of tone even when discussing combat and war. So much fiction now is ‘gritty’ and ‘authentic’, this potentially has a more heroic tone to it. Okay, it glosses over the true nature of war, but not every story has to have that, in my view. I got confused about the healing. Alnas healed both? How can he hop down from McTuggard when he can barely walk by the sound of it? I'm not sure I picked up the significance of the spell being wordless (i.e. silent, or is it actually without a word? Maybe it’s WRS, and I’ve just forgotten from last week). The mention of reinforcements reminds me that I was surprised that the shade army is not harrying them. Theavis didn’t wreck the whole army, and I presume even Norlord didn’t do that, so I thought they would still be advancing. More tension among this assembly, looking over their shoulders almost, would seem to be appropriate. Too many mentions of Magnus close together when he appears – unnecessary and cumbersome. Chapter 6 “A scream from the coastline...” This bothers me. The coastline is so big that it follows it must be far away. If they were close to it, you would say ‘water’s edge’. So, if it’s that far away (which I think is implied by the language) how can they hear a scream? Rounded a corner of the what? I don’t think a stone wall would splinter, would it? Isn’t that more wood? Tuskanger I can maybe just about infer from the name, but I don’t know what a yivas looks like, so I can’t picture this scene. You don’t need comas around a thought and you don’t need to attribute it. Also, the time frame is all wrong here. A crowd of people ran at him, then a stone being, then these invaders. The description implies they are right on top of him and he’s standing around thinking. The blocking here doesn’t seem right. You describe the creature as an ‘it’ so who is the ‘her’ holding the spear? I don’t know what’s going on about here. What does bright black look like??? The tuskanger is an ‘it’ again, but is ‘it’ also the ‘her’? Very confusing. What is senfeed and what does its lack tell him anything? There is too much unexplained stuff around here, names just being thrown around, and I'm getting frustrated (that’s you) and also the character (Why in the name of all holy did he drop his bow?!). I also don’t have these two straight in my head. I think it’s because Relvaris, to me, sounds like he should be the big (physically), imposing one and Ponsing the wee, flighty one. Because of this, my first thought was, whoa – the little one can do teleporting too? Phrasing issue (for me) – not sure you take blood away – maybe cleaned up or removed. Why are the healers in training? Is there any significance to it? It seemed like an unnecessary detail. But if he’s the king’s son, does the king’s blood not run through his veins? I know you talked about this earlier on, and you then confirm it here, but the line about blood sounded odd to me. Dropped what? The sentence did not seem to follow, for me. In summary: Again, I rather enjoyed the submission, although I'm confused in places and the writing could be tightened up, I think. I like what you did with Relvaris’s crisis of confidence, that adds a nice emotional dimension to this pair’s story, and a conflict as well, space for Relvaris to have an arc. I do struggle a bit with him leading an army though, because is he not about 18 inches tall? I don’t see how he could shoot anything with a bow unless magically enhanced. The number of place names in Relvaris’s scenes and indeed the number of characters in Theavis’s scenes are still rather confusing. The places I can just accept, not knowing where they are, but I think the story would be tightened up if there were not so many characters talking in Theavis’s scenes. Not convinced that you need all those voices. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rohyu Posted September 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 I'm going to try writing a book that has less characters and that takes place in our world. Maybe after more writing experience I'll come back to this story. Thanks for the critiques. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted September 21, 2015 Report Share Posted September 21, 2015 Glad to hear you're not abandoning Theavis, but working on craft can't be a bad thing. Good luck with your new project! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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