The Obligator- Ch.1

[Cartith he/him]

This is my first attempt at writing anything of this type. Any advice on diction, grammar, pacing, etc. is appreciated. The document is attached in a rich text format, so should be readable for all.

Thanks,

Cartith

Ch. 1.rtf

[Two McMillion he/him]

Not a bad opening chapter. Far from the best, but also far from the worst.

 

The thing that stuck out most to me was sentence structure. You used the subject-verb structure over and over again, and very often the subject was simply "I". Additionally, your sentences tended to all be the same length, which makes the peice sound choppy. I would suggest a more varied sentence structure, trying to have some more compound sentences, sentences that begin with adverbs, adjectives, verbs, etc. That will make it more interesting to read. Lastly, the final paragraph is also quite long, which can result in a bogged-down feeling. Perhaps you could split this into several paragraphs.

 

Those are my main suggestions. Good start; I would read a fic with an opening chapter like this if it came with good reviews.

 

Check out Writing Excuses elsewhere on the forums for a more formal place to get critiques on writing.

[Cartith he/him]

Thank you, I'll go back and edit it later tonight. More chapters coming maybe tomorrow night or monday afternoon.

EDIT: How would you suggest that I use less "I" in a first person narrative? Should I just swap the story to third person? It would allow for more variation.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Cartith

[Two McMillion he/him]

Thank you, I'll go back and edit it later tonight. More chapters coming maybe tomorrow night or monday afternoon.

EDIT: How would you suggest that I use less "I" in a first person narrative? Should I just swap the story to third person? It would allow for more variation.

 

Well, here's an excerpt from your chapter:

 

I swung, my sword entering at his shoulder. He fell to the deck, breathing no more. I turned, seeing more skaa climbing onto the ship, faces black from lying on the ash covered hills. I charged into their ranks, dodging their swings with pewter-enhanced speed. I shortly killed or incapacitated the untrained men. I moved to sheathe my sword but then I heard a scream. I turned quickly back to the cabin, and I saw that the door to the cabin had been kicked in, and there was a man standing in the doorway.

 

And here's an example of how you could possibly vary sentence structure. Not saying this is the "right" way to do it, but here's a way it could be done.

 

I swung, my sword entering at his shoulder. He fell to the deck, breathing no more. Spinning, I saw more skaa climbing onto the ship, faces black from lying on the ash covered hills. With a roar I charged their ranks, dodging their swings with pewter-enhanced speed. Untrained men fell before my blade. Then, behind me, a scream. I turned quickly back to the cabin, and I saw that the door to the cabin had been kicked in, and there was a man standing in the doorway.

 

Personally, I think this is a stronger excerpt because with the greater variety in sentence beginnings helps keep the reader in the action more. 

[Cartith he/him]

Thank you. I'll spend more time updating ch.1 before I start Ch.2. Might as well get writing style settled before writing any more, less backtracking that way. Have some upvotes for all your help.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Cartith