Reading Excuses- Kammererite_ 09_08_15_ Essence of Fire Vial 2 cont. Sub 4

[Kammererite]

Hi All,

Sorry the submission is late. Hope you enjoy. Thanks in advance for the feedback

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I just noticed everything is written in present tense. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for or not. It definitely has an immediacy to it, but it can also be jarring to the reader.

 

- Are the Neetut werewolves, and if not, what's the difference? Kang has a vision of his father becoming one, which suggests its a possibility, but how does the process occur? Is it a bite or something else? You might want to establish some ground rules to increase the suspense in this chapter.

 

- Watch out for more places to show instead of telling (something I'm presently working on in my own prose). Don't just say they "did battle" with a Neehut - describe what they are actually doing - and same goes for a description. The other soldier held captive shouldn't just be "tall" - describe what other features he has.

 

- Overall, very action-packed and suspenseful chapter. I really want to see what happens next - everything seems very ominous so far for the heroes. 

[Kammererite]

Thanks for the feedback RDP

 

I am definitely going for Present tense as it is supposed to be the reader experiencing Kang's memories via in-story magic (although i do not communicate that point, i have thought of writing a second-person frame story to get that point across).

 

The Neetut are not werewolf although they are inspired from werewolf's/lyconthropy in general.  As to how they are formed it is not a bite. i have tried eluding very lightly earlier in the story and do revisit it more in the next part of the story, but i could use a small hint again in this part.

 

Good catch on places to show.  As i mostly discovery write i tend to get plot-vision and end up  telling more then i mean to. (something i need to review more for)  

Edited September 10, 2015 by Kammererite

[Shrike76 he/him]

Overall, an interesting chapter, though it could have been much more interesting with fewer errors. There are spelling and grammatical errors in just about every sentence, and it makes it hard to read with any fluidity. I get a feel for the events as they happen, but the mistakes constantly throw me out of the story. A good editing pass before submitting would do a lot to allow us to focus on the story.

 

In general I'm getting a better sense of what everything means, but some of the action feels off. Sometimes you spend too much time describing things, and other times too little and it throws off the pacing. ex.

 Example:

   "My world becomes pain. My screams drown out all noise of battle. My vision blurs as tears fill my eyes. 
   The pain recedes and my senses return."
Here you spend time telling us how much pain he's in, and then all of a sudden it vanishes. There are lots of similar sequences in the chapter where a bit of additional description would help the flow, or where less description up front would make the transition less jarring.

 

Also, the whole scene with Kang sneaking in felt wrong. He's sneaking in and then when he gets close and needs fire he starts clanging knives together. That should have drawn some attention. I also didn't buy that there wouldn't have been some sort of guard left near the prisoners, or that they all had their weapons (I know there was an explanation but it wasn't enough for me to believe leaving prisoners unbound and armed). It's a snowstorm, obviously the fire had to have been started by someone relatively nearby but everyone just scatters like idiots.

 

And where did all these satyrs come from? I don't remember Kang tracking them but they're everywhere, and he never remarks on it.

 

Despite those flaws, I'm curious to see what happens next. I'm glad to see Kang taking initiative and making things happen, even (or maybe especially) if things don't always turn out the way he wants.

[Robinski he/him]

(Straight into the detailed comments – summary at the end)

 

Why doesn’t he search for the stuff? The spirit blades are clearly important, and there are mounds in the snow marking the location of his possession? I guess it will delay him, so really, he’s choosing the living over the dead. I think you could make a bit more of that, the dilemma and the choice he makes.

 

“I really wish I didn’t lose that Firethorn.” – I really wish I hadn’t lost that... Over the months, I’ve formed the impression that there’s a real aversion to using the word ‘had’ (i.e. past tense) in a lot of the writing submitted on the forum, any views out there?

 

“That could prove useful.” Obvious thoughts like this are unnecessary, I think.

 

“head of a caribou” – is it a satyr if it’s got an animal’s head?

 

“I head heed the call”

 

I'm still having trouble with the amount of telling that he’s doing in his thoughts to self. I tend to think you could show all these things through his actions and the reader would be able to accept them as logical without having it explained to them.

 

Also, what is it in the corral that is burning?

 

I think I’ve mentioned before that the onomatopoeic words like ‘crash’, etc. – for me – add nothing to the drama, and are rather distracting.

 

“What’s in the igloos? Captives or Neetut? Is my father in there? I detour away from the cave crawling towards the igloo.” Just a case in point about the monologue, I'm not sure what Kang’s thoughts add here. If he goes from noticing the igloo to moving towards it, the reader is automatically thinking ‘He must be wondering what’s in the igloo. He’s looking for him father, therefore it’s reasonable for him to think he might be in there.’

 

I don’t get it. Okay, maybe the spirit blades don’t pose a great threat, but it’s still a sharp bit of wood, right? That’s enough to stab someone. I don’t see why the bad guys would allow them to keep the blades. Even as a way to disrupt morale, I would have thought that breaking or burning the blades would be one of the enemy’s early thoughts.

 

I don’t get the joke / irony about the bow being the weapon that (almost) kills Kang.

 

Is the entire satyr not dead then? If he’s body’s dead that I think it’s a dead satyr.

 

I think the battle with the Neetut is the first thing that Kang would notice on entering the cave, not the funky lighting effects of the geological features, or the size of the cave.

 

Betsi sounds like a name that would be painted on a Flying Fortress, rather than one for a crossbow – it’s a bit 1940’s sounding to me. It’s been nagging at me for a bit, I think. Also, I don’t believe that a single crossbow arm is going to stop and axe blow. Surely that’s going to cleave right through and reach some part of Kang.

 

I'm finding the dialogue tags rather cumbersome. ‘she says to the satyrs’ for example, is obvious, because there is no-one else that there that the statement has the right context for.

 

In summary, there is plenty of action in this submission, as there has been in the others to date. That is good and generally enough to keep me reading. There are some things that bother me in the style, like much of Kang’s internal monologue (not all though) and the dialogue tags. Rescuing nearest and dearest is certainly a decent motivation for a story, but it doesn’t feel like a novel arc given how close to his father Kang is. You’ve set up the potential for Kang to get magical training but, again, that doesn’t feel very epic, so I'm still wondering what’s going to sustain the story in the long term.

 

Still interested to keep reading however, hope these comments are helpful.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Robinski

[Kammererite]

Thanks Shrike and Robinski

 

Shrike:

 

Description: Good points. I will try to smooth those sections out. to keep the pacing even. 

 

Sneaking: You raise some interesting point here. The captives being armed will likely have to go, (its not very critical anyway). I kinda got world-buildly about the spiritblades when writing and gave them to much page time.   

Satyrs: i did foreshadow them a little in the previous submission when he notice the weird tracks but i didn't dwell on it. i can punch this up some so they don't come from left field as much.

 

 

Robinski:

A lot in there, all helpful ill try for the highlights.

 

Satyrs: explained next submission the difference between them and Neetut.

 

The word had: as i am writing in the present tense, i have been forcing myself not to use past tense words unless a character is relating back. Its been a struggle and often parts of my submission end up in past tense before i realize it was wrong. Looks like its leaking the other way too now. 

 

The bow: opps, i forgot i deleted that bit of dialogue from, a previous submission. i will probably add it back in. General gist is Kang thinks bows are inferior to Crossbows almost to the point of extremism.

 

Betsi: The name is possible to change. The axe if through the arm would likely hit the stock..depending on the angle. i will mull this over.

 

Internal monologue: i am really struggling with this, as you can see. The internal arguments did not work in the last submission. I feel the compulsion to put down Kangs thoughts because he is thinking therefore you should see him thinking. I will try to smother this urge some more. 

 

Story length: This only planned for a novella and we are roughly at the half way point right now. i have 3-4 more submissions to get to the end.

Being my first foray in to creative writing since high school, a novel was to big for me (the novella is feeling overwhelming write now to be honest).

That being said i do hope to write multiple novella/novelette length independent stories about Kang and mash them together into a novel with a frame story, but that is far-far down the road. 

 

Thanks again guys this helps alot.

[Robinski he/him]

The word had: as i am writing in the present tense - Take your point, but even things that happened two minutes ago in-story are in the past.

 

The bow: opps, i forgot i deleted that bit of dialogue from, a previous submission. i will probably add it back in. General gist is Kang thinks bows are inferior to Crossbows almost to the point of extremism.- I can accept that, with suitable tagging.

 

Internal monologue: I feel the compulsion to put down Kangs thoughts because he is thinking therefore you should see him thinking. I will try to smother this urge some more. - "Use the Force, Kam" - I think you can trust the reader more to infer Kang's thoughts from his actions. Worst case, you remove a lot of the internal monologue and you get comments from Beta Readers that they don't understand why he's doing stuff - at which point you could put a bit back in.

 

Story length: This only planned for a novella and we are roughly at the half way point right now. - I think that's perfectly reasonable. I think you said that before and I think my comments on this actually reflect the right sort of length then. My bad.

[rohyu he/him]

I don't get why Kang is tempted to melt himself into the ice. He says, "I'm not a phoenix" as the reason he won't burrow into the ice, but I don't know of any lore about phoenixs burrowing into ice. I am not sure if I don't get the idea because I haven't read some of the earlier chapters, if it is something that you will explain later, or if I'm just ignorant of some phoenix lore.

 

I agree with Shrike about the prisoners keeping their weapons. Even a blunt, weak weapon can be smashed into someone's head and hurt them.

 

The thorough descriptions of the satyr and later the bear-Netuut drew me out of the action.

 

The escape attempt did not go as I think it would have, but it was enjoyable to read nonetheless. Given the chance, I would have started reading the next chapter right away to find out what they are going to do with (or to) Kang.

 

pg1:

-causes the sail acting as my roof to snaps and ripples

   I think it should be snap and ripple.

 

-I inspect the dams each one formed from

   Need a comma after dams.

-With the reduce level 

   Should be 'reduced'

- pull my boots, pants and poncho over

  Need a comma after pants

 

pg4:

-I rebuild the build the dams across each of the rivers of Essence. 

   need to remove some words here..

pg5:

-five sleight form a corral 

  I think you meant sleigh. 

pg7:

-until the light form the cave

 I think you meant 'from the cave'

pg10:

 -Variik says as he runs past me to engaging the satyr.

  Should be "runs past me to engage the satyr."

 

pg11:

. If we go quite we should be able to take them.”

  quiet

 

I think if Kang's group heard someone screaming from inside the cave, those people causing the screaming would have heard the battle with the bear-netuut inside the cave.

[Kammererite]

Thanks Rohyu.

 

The phoenix info is new to this submission. I have made my my own in-world phoenixes but because there essential firebirds i kept the name. i don't know if ill be able to go into them in this story but you are not missing anything lore wise. Essentially that line was a world building tidbit that may or may not come back in the end...haven't got there yet.

 

Good to know about the creature descriptions.

 

I' glade you enjoyed the escape, it didn't go as i originally envisioned.

 

 

Robinski,

your right to call me on the bow. I hope to avoid these things in the future but that what alpha/beta reader are for right?