A "prologue" I wrote a few years back

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

So this is a story I had a couple years ago, and I fleshed it out enough to get this page or so written. I eventually trashed the idea and came up with a whole new thing (still semi-based off this). But this was a first draft, no editing write-up I had. Lemme know what you think. That's what this section is for, right?

Edit: ew. Yeah. The format is really bad. I only had notepad at the time, and even though I kept a single page width format it made it long version. So having to scroll left to read really sucks, my apologies.

prologue.txt

Edited September 6, 2013 by Gamma Fiend

[Gaelan he/him]

I have to admit that I find the idea interesting, and the worldbuild is someway original, but I will point that sometimes the narration seems quite subjective (when it says the emperor's distraction, for example), or that you put us in the whole thing almost in the first paragraph. An upvote isn't a reward for any kind of work, but it's the only thing that I can give to you

[Gamma Fiend he/him]

Thank you! That was all very great feedback, and that's the kind of stuff I need to hear. Very constructive criticism. And yeah, I agree that my narrative was pretty bad. That was my first time writing anything like that ever really. I still need to get my writing style down, but that will come with practice.

But I'm not working on that particular story now any way. That world eventually changed into the one I've been shaping now. I nixed the 3 suns idea, was just too complicated at first. And now the worlds closer together, more Rodinia, super-continent like.
My new magic system I really like though. It's based off of Electromagnetic Radiation from the Sun. We know those energy waves as Radio waves, Microwaves, Infrared waves, visible light, ultraviolet, x-ray, and gamma waves. I've been studying how we use those in real-life, and going to let people use those powers.

I'll take a day and compile all my stuff so far and type it all out on here, (if any of ya are interested, of course)

[Gaelan he/him]

Helping people and reading are both a pleasure, and together are sublime 

 

I will tell you my opinion if you release that content, I personally find worldbuilding interesting, anyways.

Edited September 14, 2013 by Gaelan

[Virtual Mayhem he/him]

The concept is unique, and the astronomical dance you describe in the first paragraph sounds interesting.  My main problem with the first paragraph, however, is that you just threw a bunch of world-building at us.  Now don't get me wrong I love world-building and I love the ideas you gave, but try to show it to us gradually over time, not throw it at the reader all at once.  Chances are they'll either put your book down right away or even worse, just plain old skip over it.  If it is so vitally important to the story (and I imagine it is) then figure out a more subtle way to convey the information than just telling us straight off the bat.