May 27 - Guru Coyote - Memories Like A Moon-Shaped Wound

[Guru Coyote he/him]

So here is my second story for this group to comment on, thanks again for all the good input for my first one.

 

I will be submitting this story to a challenge next weekend, so I am looking forward to any suggestions, feedback and possible improvement you might have. Mostly I'd like to know if you think the story works.

 

The story is intentionally a Sad Story, the mission for the challenge is to 'touch the heart.'

 

Let me know how much I failed at that ^^

 

[andyk he/him]

Plot-wise, I liked this. I thought that the movement back and forth in time worked, and the resolution fitted well with what came before. It seemed from the start that this was going to be about Ann's conflict with Jack and/or her losing him, and both those things were paid off. It's a resolution with a lot of potential to meet your challenge of touching the heart.

 

Given that particular challenge, I think the biggest weakness is in getting the characters across. I didn't have a strong sense of who they were, beyond musician and parent/manager, or of how Ann felt about what was going on. My first impression of Ann, based on her thoughts about working as a musician, was of someone older than she was, and so I was pulled out of the story later on when I realised how young she was. If I'd known the characters better I'd have been more touched by their story.

 

I also didn't get a strong sense of place in most scenes. For example in the first flash-back, when she's about to go out in front of a crowd, I had no idea how big this crowd was or what sort of place it was. Is it just a dozen guys in a bar or thousands of people in an intimidating arena? This would have affected how I saw the characters, knowing what sort of crowd they were viewing the way they did. A slightly stronger sense of place would also have helped in picturing the scene at the Laughterhouse.

 

One plot point didn't make sense to me. If this is a teenage girl who's been pulled out of a car wreck, clearly injured and suffering from shock, why has she been left with her injured dog at the vet's? Surely someone would have taken her to a doctor or hospital, and dealt with the dog separately? Once I realised that she hadn't pulled herself out of the accident, this beginning bothered me.

 

That said, her confusion and shock following the accident did come across well in that scene, helped me empathise for her and drew me into the story.

[Guru Coyote he/him]

Oh-kay! Seems I'm on the right track here The bones are good, now for some (a bit) more meat.

 

Let me see how much more sense of place and character I can do... I'm still about 600 words short of the upper word count. 

And yes, the "why is she at the vet's and not in a hospital" question did occur to me, so that's something I'll work on too.

[Guru Coyote he/him]

Update: the revised versionn of this story made place #2 with 22 of 25 possible points (the winner was at 24). 

I did use many of the suggestions you gave here, esp. andyk's regarding sense of place and character.

Anyone who whats to read the final version I submitted, just let me know

[andyk he/him]

Well done, that's great. Nice to hear some successes coming out of the group.