01.01.13 - Haradion Drogon - The Bloodlands Chapter 4

[Haradion Drogon]

Again, All relevant information is in the E-Mail.

Thank you all for the reviews and critiques. All advice is accepted and appreciated!

[Syme]

I liked this one better than the last chapter. It has some of the same language problems I mentioned in my last critique, so I won't repeat those.

You have some nice characters in there that are all distinct. I like the POV character, but I can't stand his sister. Not sure if that is intentional.

This chapter is also a bit heavy on the info dumping, but I don't mind it too much here since it's closely related to the characters and plot.

[cjhuitt he/him]

I agree with Syme that this chapter is more interesting than the last. It has action and some conflict, which are welcome. It also has some of the same grammar problems that don't need to be recapped here.

There were a few typos I noticed in the beginning. I'll don't concentrate on them, but since they caught my eye, you might as well know about it. The first is "span", in the first and second paragraph, when I think you mean "spun". The others are in the second paragraph: "instance" should probably be "instant", and "passed" should probably be "past".

In Lieneth's lecture, I was confused by what he was trying to say by "but only so long and as powerful you have drained it".

It seemed odd that Ethen had to "cycle" trough his pools of energy to find the one he needed, rather than just being able to use the one he wanted. I would assume that it wouldn't take much external time to do so, but even so it might give the wrong impression of the magic (if that is, indeed, the wrong impression). If that was included to mention the idea of pools of energy for different aspects, you could maybe have Ethen heal, then check the levels of his various pools instead, which is still perfectly natural after having used them.

I had no idea from the setting that other people were around, so I was kind of surprised when Valaessa showed up, though it wasn't too bad. I was even more surprised when suddenly Lieneth was occupied fighting another person, and actually double-checked to make sure I didn't miss anything. A bit more description of the surroundings before others are introduced would probably help with this.

I also had forgotten that Ethen and Lieneth had a sister, but I assume that was just because so much time had passed since I read the first chapter, not because she was missing from there.

The excursion about the woman who murdered her family seemed out of place, unless (perhaps!) if it was Ethen's history.

The bloodbolt idea is interesting, but after the explanation I didn't know why Valaessa had used a bloodbolt -- doesn't that leave her basically helpless? If you drain your reserves, that doesn't sound like something people would do very often. It also seems to conflict with following description that Valaessa then spent a lot of energy healing, and that Xerress helped refill Valaessa's energy after she herself used a bloodbolt. After writing all this, I'm guessing that a bloodbolt doesn't drain all the reserves, but that was definitely what I got out of the explanation at first.

Finally, the text seems to imply a mystery of whether Lieneth will come along or not. I'm not sure if that needs to be a mystery at this point, or if it is set up well enough to be a remaining question for the next chapter. I would suggest deciding if you want it to be a bit of a mystery or not, and then either strengthen the doubt that he will go, or remove it from the end of the chapter.

[Haradion Drogon]

Thanks for the critique. You have helped show a number of errors in this, Which I will fix ASAP.

If that was included to mention the idea of pools of energy for different aspects, you could maybe have Ethen heal, then check the levels of his various pools instead, which is still perfectly natural after having used them.

I may well do this. In my head, the cycling through pools was instinctive and takes almost no time, but this could work too. I will see which works best. Thanks.

I had no idea from the setting that other people were around.

I will fix this.

The bloodbolt idea is interesting, but after the explanation I didn't know why Valaessa had used a bloodbolt -- doesn't that leave her basically helpless? If you drain your reserves, that doesn't sound like something people would do very often. It also seems to conflict with following description that Valaessa then spent a lot of energy healing, and that Xerress helped refill Valaessa's energy after she herself used a bloodbolt. After writing all this, I'm guessing that a bloodbolt doesn't drain all the reserves, but that was definitely what I got out of the explanation at first.

Maybe I wasn't clear. Bloodbolts drain from all pools at the same time, and all are needed, so you only have as much bloodbolts as in your lowest pool. It does drain alot of energy, but not in a single go. Wounds inflicted by bloodmagic just take more energy to heal then coventional wounds.

And no, they don't do it often, is it really only used against other bloodmagicians. Valaessa was very angry, and it was the first weapon to hand.