I really want some advice on the world/magic system. Please

[Yamato]

Hello everyone

Sooooo, it seems like no one replied to my previous post about this. damnation. Well, I've had some new ideas about the world I am creating, and have had more time to develop it, so here is a much better version of what I was trying to do before.PLEASE give me some feeback. I really want to know if people think this is worthwhile. Sorry its so essay like, but I have a lot of ideas.

The root of this world is an idea I had when I was 9.

It involved people sucking out heat with magical orange crystals, and shooting huge fireballs at people with it.

When I was going through all of my old written ideas I started to wonder "Huh, what would happen in a world like pluto? Is there any way it coud ever support life?"

I took this idea and ran with it, and used the idea of a orange stone that absorbed heat as a large part of it. The world I ended up creating is called Hyou, and it is really really cold. Without this stone, it would be like Pluto.

There are aboveground deposits that people use, and underground deposite that heat the world enough to make it inhabitable. People survive by using the aforemetioned stone, which I am calling Calorite. Calorite absorbs all heat near it when unrefined, but when refined by volcanic ash, it only absorbs more heat when it is subjected to extreme temperatures. The money in this owrld is refined rings of calorite, which makes heat distribution in the body easier, and makes it easier for commoners to warm themselves.

Farming on this world requires rings of calorite on the fround to warm the soil up sufficiently. Calorite was placed on Hyou by a mysterious being (Invented a mythos for this universe, not gonna get into it here). Civilization basically began when Humanity learned about calorite.

After many civilizations began to develop, there was a huge war between 3 huge nations, Rikka, Bhapre, and Sineilao, called the Triwar, over Calorite deposits and volcanoes (volcanoes are resources because they have lots of heat, so you need them for large calorite infusions, plus volcanic ash refines calorite.) During this war, people learned how to use calorite to create weapons, and Rikkan priests learned how to implant it into peoples nerves, to make them able to control heat flow. There people are called Heatmeshers, and they can control calorite by using the ambient electricity in their nervous system to take in and let out heat.

However, this uses up the electricity, so if they use too much too fast they die, since the brain wont be able to carry signals to their bodies. Also, if they take in more heat than the calorite and their bodies can absorb, the heat starts to calcify their bodies, turning them into calorite. They cant use the parts of their bodies turned to calorite. This is a dilemma, since the more of their bodies that are calorite, the more heat they can control, and the more powerful they are.

The powers of this magic system include, creating Gas, Liquid, and Solid forms of calorite, speeding up nervous system reactions with heat, shooting projectiles of heat energy and of course, spontaneously creating fire. (takes a little less heat than the amount needed to make liquid calorite). Rikkans are the only ones who can use magic, because of the surgical skills of the priests of the Creed, so they ruthlessly guard their surgical skills to give the Rikkan priesthood exclusive access to the worlds magic. The novel I am writing takes place around 870 years after the Triwar.

The main character of this book is a former priest who kills some members of the priesthood to escape after figuring out the corrupt schemes of the Creed. He becomes a thief, and so, when he gets a chance to try and destroy the Creed, he eagerly agrees. However, not everything is as straightforward as that...

I spent a lot of time making this up, plus I have 30 pages of the novel written, so I would really like know what you guys think. If you are confused at all, Im checking this topic every day, so I'll answer pretty promptly. Thank you, anyone who takes the time to give me some feedback.

-Yamato

Edited October 3, 2012 by Yamato

[Aeshdan]

Hello everyone

Sooooo, it seems like no one replied to my previous post about this. damnation. Well, I've had some new ideas about the world I am creating, and have had more time to develop it, so here is a much better version of what I was trying to do before.PLEASE give me some feeback. I really want to know if people think this is worthwhile. Sorry its so essay like, but I have a lot of ideas.

The root of this world is an idea I had when I was 9. It involved people sucking out heat with magical orange crystals, and shooting huge fireballs at people with it. When I was going through all of my old written ideas I started to wonder "Huh, what would happen in a world like pluto? Is there any way it coud ever support life?" I took this idea and ran with it, and used the idea of a orange stone that absorbed heat as a large part of it. The world I ended up creating is called Hyou, and it is really really cold. Without calorite, it would be like Pluto. There are aboveground deposits that people use, and underground deposite that heat the world enough to make it inhabitable. People survive by using the aforemetioned stone, which I am calling Calorite. Calorite absorbs all heat near it when unrefined, but when refined by volcanic ash, it only absorbs more heat when it is subjected to extreme temperatures. The money in this owrld is refined rings of calorite, which makes heat distribution in the body easier, and makes it easier for commoners to warm themselves. Farming on this world requires rings of calorite on the fround to warm the soil up sufficiently. Calorite was placed on Hyou by a mysterious being (Invented a mythos for this universe, not gonna get into it here). Civilization basically began when Humanity learned about calorite. After many civilizations began to develop, there was a huge war between 3 huge nations, Rikka, Bhapre, and Sineilao, called the Triwar, over Calorite deposits and volcanoes (volcanoes are resources because they have lots of heat, so you need them for large calorite infusions, plus volcanic ash refines calorite.) During this war, people learned how to use calorite to create weapons, and Rikkan priests learned how to implant it into peoples nerves, to make them able to control heat flow. There people are called Heatmeshers, and they can control calorite by using the ambient electricity in their nervous system to take in and let out heat. However, this uses up the electricity, so if they use too much too fast they die, since the brain wont be able to carry signals to their bodies. Also, if they take in more than the calorite and their bodies can absorb, the heat starts to calcify their bodies, turning them into calorite. They cant use the parts of their bodies turned to calorite. This is a dilemma, since the more of their bodies that are calorite, the more heat they can control, and the more powerful they are. The powers of this magic system include, creating Gas, Liquid, and Solid forms of calorite, speeding up nervous system reactions with heat, shooting projectiles of heat energy and of course, spontaneously creating fire. (takes a little less heat than the amount needed to make liquid calorite). Rikkans are the only ones who can use magic, because of the surgical skills of the priests of the Creed, so they ruthlessly guard their surgical skills to give the Rikkan priesthood exclusive access to the worlds magic. The novel I am writing takes place around 870 years after the Triwar. The main character of this book is a former priest who kills some members of the priesthood to escape after figuring out the corrupt schemes of the Creed. He becomes a thief, and so, when he gets a chance to try and destroy the Creed, he eagerly agrees. However, not everything is as straightforward as that...

I spent a lot of time making this up, plus I have 30 pages of the novel written, so I would really like know what you guys think. If you are confused at all, Im checking this topic every day, so I'll answer pretty promptly. Thank you, anyone who takes the time to give me some feedback.

-Yamato

I like the way that you balanced the priest's increeased powers with decreased regular fuctionality. Very good!

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Sounds intnersting. If you want critiques or something, come here (Reading Excuses) and we'll help you out! You have to also join the Reading Excuses group by PMing Silk. We'd enjoy having you over. (Yes, you will be asked (mutely) to critique others work).

[KChan]

For future reference, guys, you don't need multiple posts to accomplish this. Yamato, instead of posting a new topic, if it's been long enough, you can add your updates to the existing one. As long as you have enough content and it's been long enough, it's okay to post again in the old one. If it hasn't been very long, just edit the existing thread.

Stroniax, there was no reason you had to post in the old thread and then post again in this one saying that you posted in the other one. Just post in the active thread, please.