My Short Story

[gjustice99 she/her]

So, a little background before the story begins. I had to write a short story for a contest among other High School students. I don't write without a prompt very often and I only do it if it is for a grade, as I'm not very creative. So the day I need to turn this in I woke up super late and almost missed the bus, and I remembered all the times where I have had a dream where I wake up and get ready only to wake up for real and be very annoyed. That was how I started but this was how it turned out.:

 

The alarm went off. 7:00AM flashed on the alarm clock before her eyes. She hit the alarm to shut it off. She slid out of bed and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She went back into her bedroom, slipped on her pants and threw on a shirt. She tied her shoes and grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

She heard a loud buzzing noise and slapped the snooze button on the alarm clock. The clock read 8:00AM. She got up, brushed her hair and teeth, then went back into her room and got dressed. She put her things in her bag and walked out the door.

She rolled over and looked at the clock. 9:00AM. She sighed and rolled out of bed. She pulled on her pants and pulled a hoodie on over her head. She pulled on her shoes and tied them. She threw her bag over her shoulder and walked out of the door.

 

The mother looked at her daughter. It appeared that she was peacefully sleeping when she had been under for weeks. She watched as air was pushed in and out of her daughter’s lungs. The doctor walked up to her, holding a clipboard and a pen. She brushed away a tear as she signed her name. The doctor walked over and flicked the switch, cutting off the life support.

 

[Redbird he/him]

Well, that got dark really fast.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

That was a bit...abrupt. I would've liked a clearer transition between the first paragraph and the second; as is, it almost seems like they're two different stories.

And I'm no doctor or even a med student, but I think the process for taking a patient off life support is a bit more...involved?

[Phin he/him]

Dark. Very dark.

 

not that dark is a bad thing...

[Tyson]

Get straight to the point don't you, no beating about the bush with descriptions and other nonsense lol.

 

Oh and I think you overused the word "she". 17 times in 4 paragraphs!