Jump to content

Vision - I'd really like your constructive op's


Recommended Posts

Hey guys,

I just recently joined up here, throwing out my introduction thread into the introduction-section ;-)

As I stated there, I'd really enjoy being able to share my storys or story constructs or ideas with you for the sake of getting constructive criticism about what to do better or whats good und whats not good in the first place.

In this case, I'd like to introduce you to my recent project "Vision".

Vision is centered in a future earth world, infused with cyberpunk-thematics. Human Body-augmentations play a huge role in this world. The one monopole-company being able to actually pull this stuff of und therefore control huge parts of the world, is centered in New York City (which is very different to the new york city, we know now. And this actually is a really important fact to the overall story).

To get a visual grasp of how everything looks like, you could throw yourself into the depths of google and research on a video-game called "Deus Ex - Human Revolution". But do not think bad of me now ;-) I am not interested in ripping off or writing fan fic. I have a story in mind, with all its twists and turns. It is fully outlined, my Charakters are written out and created up until the point, where I would say I know them.

There might be some things both Vision and Deus Ex Human Revolution have in common, like the main protagonist, who is heavily augmented, but not quite happy with it. Or the "gang of bad guys" running havoc in the city. But this is where connections should end.

As I said, my story is different, My charakters all have different intentions and the overall line of events is different. Just for clearing things up a little.

The story plays in the year 2064 and will be a multiple POV told story. It is targeted to be read by mature people. No funny, colorfull world full of fairytale here ;-) I am not interested in over-adding gore and violence, to achive that. I want to keep it subtle but recognizable and emotional, as I'am hugely inspired by Steven Erikson and his Malazan Book of the Fallen works, where he did just that.

First and foremost, before I will give you the imaginary "book-back-text" of the story and then a glimps into it: I'd like to say again, that I am from germany. So bear with me for any mistake in spelling and/or grammar, as I am literally writing in a foreign language ;-)

So let me thank you up front for your attention and maybe even help!

"In 2064, mankind is ruled by cybernetic augmentations, when a man, who should be dead, stumbles upon a threat that's scale remains a secret.

His soul devastated by his past, an old friendship convinces Michael Beckin to put his skills to use once more and actively investigate on events, caused by a group of terrorists, that seems all to well prepared for any kind of resistence upon their obscure plans.

Meanwhile Lieutenant Katey Rickston struggles to keep her Departement under control, facing a growing underground movement, rebelling against the government itself.

Every further step sucks them deeper into a turmoil of betrayel, schemings and omnipresent danger.

And when they realize that everything is enrooted far beyond their imagination, it might already be to late.

When you don't know who to trust and what to believe...

When our own controlled human evolution grows out of hand...

...all of the sudden, everything is at stake."


So many people would die, and all that the bald-headed giant felt, was raw anticipation and hunger. Hunger for blood. Hunger for, mostly, uncomprehending but sometimes even understanding eyes.

Yeah, they would seem to say, this is what all this has brought us to. Go ahead. There’s no strength left in me, anyway.

So at least that last spark of intellect; of acknowledgment, would take some weight of the fact of dying. For some…

The huge man took a look around himself. His eyes gliding towards, where the sky should be, where only darkness awaited him, cast by titanium that, in its hugeness and massive omnipresence, seemed to lock out the rest of the world.

Augmented eyeballs curved down slightly, along the lights in the windows that painted skyscrapers red and orange, until they focused on humankind again.

Men and women, buzzing around here at the intersection Downtown 1st, unsuspecting of the fact, that everything they’ve built around themselves for all their lives; relationships, values, careers, would get shattered in a second. And so, for them, everything would have been for nothing. Oh, the irony in this…

These thoughts made him grin. But it vanished in an instant, when his ear-implant gave a clear noise inside his head.


The tantalizing, female voice forced concentration into his brain again. Business was around the corner.

“Pretty?” he asked, already looking around to find her. His partner in this. Salica. A woman that finds pleasure in hurting and killing other people. Physically, as well as psychologically.

If it wouldn’t be so pathetic, he’d admit to himself that he loved her, dearly.

“You wanna lay me? No need to state the obvious than. How about, using your hands next time? Under the glide-rail, idiot!”

He was about to sigh of enjoyment, when her words made him realize, that he must have been throwing his eyes all over the place, except to where she would stand, according to plan.

Now it was her turn to sigh. “The glide-train’s coming in and Clip just gave the sign. You in the right mood already, babe?” She crooked her head slightly, mocking the questioning look of a wife, asking her sick husband, if he’s feeling any better.

Though she stood diagonally across on the other side of the intersection, her act was clear and amused him.

“Just don’t get stuck on something. No seatbelts on the roof, so you might wanna hold tight. Leave the groundwork to my … hands.”

He grinned at his own statement. Pathetic, told ya… But she did, too, and so their conversation died, bereft of necessity for now.

The glide-train made his appearance. Rod, in turning to his right, realized that the guy next to him might have overheard some details of this little talk, because a pair of eyes, filled with distrust, was regarding him intently.

“So … you will be the first to witness, huh?” Rod asked.

Distrust grew into surprise and then into pure terror, as Rod’s right arm reached out, grasping the skull of the poor dog. It crushed like a nutshell, when he closed his hand into a fist.

The body sacked onto the ground, spasms erupting it.

Brain spilled onto the pavestone and when the body came to lay still and the shock of the people standing around, transformed into realization of what had just happened, Rod was already on his way to the very center of the crossroads.

He got rid of his coat, dropping it from his shoulders, revealing the black, dangerous gleam of his body.

Salica blew him a kiss and did the same. Her arms and legs just as heavily augmented as his, while maintaining a female shape of body.

A human brain processes about a hundred trillion calculations per second. Shifting things it knows next to things it doesn’t know, just for the sake of comparing, testing, and finally understanding and reacting.

Body augmentations were nothing new to the people on intersection Chinatown 1st at that very moment. And so it took just a fraction of a second for hundreds of screams to erupt on that square. Screams, that were thrown in the air to get as far away as possible. To get away from the embrace of death.

People were scattering in every direction now, trying to escape from what was to come, as the giant in the middle of the street took a swing and rammed his fist into the concrete.

If one would take a closer look, one would see the mechanical devices shift, disconnecting the lower arm from the rest, leaving it stuck in the street.

The upper arm of the man transformed again in itself, expressing a high caliber weapon, when it was complete.

Well, not only expressing it. It actually was a grenade-launcher. Too much for a human-being to handle, when it already knew, it was in grave-danger.

Oblivious of the fact, that the other arm of the giant had been converted into a machine-gun, the buzzing life on the square was nothing but chaos now.

All this happened within a few heartbeats and when the shadow of the glide-train embraced the figure of a female cyborg directly beneath the vehicle, the very same jumped straight up. Augmentation-enhanced force injected into those metallic legs, shattered the ground underneath her and brought Salica on top of the train.

No need to regain balance. No need to fight against the pressure, thrown into her body, because of the train’s hundred and fifty miles per hour. Her body did it for her.

A savage smile almost split her face in half, as she reached down to violently rip part of the trains roof to pieces and drop into the wagon.

Faces surrounded her. Thirty to forty faces, knowing, that this was not a drill. Knowing, that this train would not reach its destination in the western district.

Some of those stares, Salica thought, even seemed to understand. Understand, that this was no bad luck. That it was no coincidence, or them, just being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

No. Some of them, she concluded, knew that this had to happen sooner or later.

And then she opened fire.

Back at the crossroads, near a small shop at a corner, a mother threw herself over her child in order to shield it from oncoming damage.

Deep down in her mind, she was at peace than. Because she did what she had to do, and it didn’t even seem like sacrifice. Loving that now sobbing, crying piece of her life, right beneath her, was not a sacrifice. Protecting it with her own life, just a way of saying: Thank you. Thank you for giving a meaning to, why I breathe.

The grenade, detonating not three steps away from where she was crouching, killed her and her child, outright. Because that weapon was just one of many, that’s been made by men for the sake of killing other men. They were designed, to ignore such noble last impulse-driven actions.

But that way, there would at least, be no further thoughts. No regrets. No shame because of failure. No sorrow in asking herself, if her child might have made it out of this mess. No wonder. Just … sudden absence. Sudden … nothing.

Rod continued his frenzy, in revolving around slowly, bursting out one grenade after the other, shooting fleeing targets here and there with his other arm. Until the point in time, where everyone and everything ceased moving.

Silence engulfed the scenery now. A piece of a wall from a house to Rod’s left gave away and landed on a heap of corpses on the pavestone underneath it.

The big man could hear sirens that were quickly closing in.

Of course, he thought, your friend and helper on his way.

Activating his ear-implant, he contacted Salica.

“Having a pleasant ride, ma’am?” he asked.

No answer.

Her glance drifted over what she’d just done. What she’d created.

It took her a few moments to realize, that Rod was talking to her.


“Oh, honey you should be here, right now. I mean, really be here, if you catch my drift.”

She heard the smile in his voice.

“Later. But I’m warning you. Only one hand left, for now.”

“Should suffice”, she answered, using the jacket of a girl at her feet to wipe her boots clean.

Rod asked: “How are the others doing? Everything happening as planned?”

She switched to the integrated radar inside her right pupil: “Clip seems to be on his way home, right now. Probably weeping again. Don’t know about Zack. Can’t see him. I don’t care. Just break his damnation neck, next time we meet.”

He snorted. “You should get over it. He’s a man of few words, but the Boss says, he’s important. And besides, he might break my neck first.”

She barked a short laugh. “Anyway, are you done there? Any cops in sight?”

“Of course. Too late, but that’s what they always are. The barriers will keep them busy. Clip’s a genius. Shall I pick you up somewhere?”

“No, just vanish. I’m in the mood of destruction. This train’s still driving. Unfortunately the driver just lost his ability to control the vessel. This could cause a nasty derail, if nobody takes care of it.”

There were butterflies all around Rod, now. “You bitch. I’d kill you, if I would be someone else. You’re just so glamorous.”

“Shut up. Report in for me, would you? I’ll be too lazy, when I’m done here.”

“Too lazy, regarding everything?” he asked.

For the purpose of answering, she cut the connection without another word.

He just loved, being teased by her.

Police was only one block away, now. Time to disappear.

And so he did. Leaving death and destruction in his wake. Enough for the bastards in their offices to ponder about, all night long.

No sleep. Lots of paperwork, sad messages to deliver and loads of coffee. And, on top of it all, total cluelessness in their minds.

Cluelessness regarding the fact, that this was but the beginning.

Chapter 1

Faces in the Rain

Reach. You’ve got to reach further.

A hand appeared at the bottom of his vision. It was bleeding. Strange.

Recognition gripped him and he realized, that it was his hand. The fact startled him. He wanted to feel how it felt but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t remember the feeling. The feeling of being whole.

His eyes focused beyond his hand. There was a black hole. Sparks sprang of its frame. Something was pulling him towards the black opening. And he was trying to reach into it. Because there was something moving inside.

Sudden tension behind him made his head turn around. Another arm. My other arm.

It was holding on to something. A handle. Short. Attached to a long rope or a cable. The tension radiated through his triceps and forearm. His muscles were cramping.

Realization struck him. He was holding on to the handle, lest he’d fall.

Gravity was what pulled him towards the hole. The Elevator. Adam…

It’s no use Michael … just no use … wake up!

Michael opened his eyes and looked straight into his own face. Short hair, soaked in sweat that ran down his face onto his chest, giving his scarred upper body a surreal shine.

And there were his arms. Stretched away from the torso, they were untouched by sweat or the frantic breathing, accompanying him for the moment. Again.

They just lay there. Black. Metallic. Capable of so many things. Seemingly not a part of him. Not anymore.

He decided to stand up. Have a drink or two and just stare out of the window.

As he stood, his leg-prostheses steadied him, giving him an odd feeling of acting against the rest of his body. Kind of the same as when you wake up after a long night, full of too much to drink and loud music and your body had to steady your legs to keep them from shaking. Just vice versa.

Leaving the bedroom, Michael decided, that dreaming sucked, asking himself why there was no implant in existence, yet, to erase that capability of the brain once and for all.

He took a glass out of the sink and filled it with ice from the refrigerator, than opened a bottle of Swift, standing nearby, pouring it on top of the rocks.

The man watched the tiny world of ice and glass, get flooded by the liquid that could give him a fairly quick boozing, if he wanted. But not now. He just needed to calm down a bit.

Michael made his way to the wall of windows, opening out to the north, and dropped himself onto his couch, facing the vista.

A snowy chain of mountains, overgrown with white pine trees lay to his feet. One of the air vents was open and a wonderful fresh scent filled the room and his nose, accompanied by the low noise of the winter breeze.

Breathing deep, Michael closed his eyes and took a sip. It burned in his throat, giving him an odd feeling of being alive.

Edited by Attaxcore
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Create New...